I Like Big Brains and I Cannot Lie (Part II)

If you missed part one, click here.

I’ve been so amazed at how many people have reached out to me wanting to help me in some way and just how many people are praying for me.  There are no words to describe how incredibly blessed I am feeling right now.  Please know that even if my responses are short, you’re not going unnoticed and definitely not genuinely appreciated.

A lot of people have asked a ton of questions, I’ll do my best to try and answer them here.

When is your surgery?

I don’t have a date yet; I meet with my surgeon on Wednesday the 26^th in the morning.

So, how do you know you’re having surgery if you haven’t met with your surgeon yet?

Because I’m psychic, or psycho? No, it’s because I have a gap in my skull that can only be repaired with surgery and it must be repaired.  When I went to have it checked out before, I was informed that having a plate put in my head is the best and really the only option.  Nothing physically has changed (my skull didn’t magically close up because I can still feel the gap) except that my symptoms are much worse than they’ve ever been.

How do you feel about all of this?

I went into writing this blog with the understanding that I would be painfully transparent, so here goes.

Sometimes I deal with this realization really well and sometimes, not so much.  Sometimes I am so positive and strong I make myself want to puke, other times, I want to drink myself into oblivion and pretend it’s not happening to me.  How’s that for transparency?

My neurologist explained something very important to me about chronic pain, it automatically comes with depression, especially when you’ve dealt with it as long as I have.  Most of the time, I just want to sleep, partly because my body is so worn out and partly because I can’t dwell on it if I’m unconscious.

Most of the time, I’m completely overwhelmed.  Sometimes I feel like I’ve been on this part of my journey to healing for a year, other times, it just feels like 5 minutes.  Getting in to see my surgeon so quickly is a positive thing and an incredibly terrifying notion that I might have a surgery date as soon as Wednesday morning. 

I walk the thin line between relief and horror on a pretty constant basis.  I feel like I’m on the edge of just freaking out at just about any given moment.

However, those are just feelings- powerful ones, but still, just feelings.  They’re not a good representation of how I’m actually dealing with things.

In those times where I’m overwhelmed, like right now, this very minute, I get alone with God.  I have found myself at yet another place where I must be in His presence just to breathe, just to function, just to feel any peace at all.  It’s in His presence that we’re made whole. 

I get alone with Him, I pour my heart out to Him, I voice my fears, my worries, my joys, my hurts, my frustrations, my everything to Him…and then, I listen.  I wait for Him to speak to my overwhelmed and weak heart.  I wait for Him to meet me there and embrace me and just make it all okay.  And He does.  Never once have I not received what I really needed from Him.

I couldn’t do this without being in His presence and having an intimate relationship with Him.

No matter how I might feel, I completely, 100%, totally, recklessly trust God to take care of me.

You don’t seem like you’re in pain…

I was paid a tremendous compliment the other day (I think he meant it that way), “You don’t seem like you’re in pain, ever.”

I’ve worked very hard to not burden anyone with my physical pain, because honestly, it won’t do anyone any good.  I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about my injury much, for whatever reason, and it certainly was not an excuse to be lazy.  Now, if there were days where I was in debilitating pain, my parents were understanding and compassionate, but other than that, it just wasn’t discussed.  The theory in our house, was even if you don’t feel good, you still have to get up and work because no one else is going to do it for you.   That’s just how I’m wired.  I try not to complain a lot, and I always manage to just get up and do what needs to be done regardless of how I feel.

If you want to know the truth of the matter, most days, it takes more effort than you can imagine to just get out of bed and pretend to be a functioning adult. 

I’ll be glad to put those days behind me.  I’m ready to actually have the energy I pretend to have, I’m ready to not be exhausted all the time and dealing with a throbbing head 24/7.  I would love to know what that feels like because I honestly don’t have any idea.

My doctor put it to me like this: What takes a normal, healthy person 100% effort to do takes me at least 125% to just get accomplished.  That’s not even doing it well.
I’m excited to see how much better I am at my life when I don’t feel like this all the time.

How can I help you?

This is probably the most popular question I’ve gotten so far and I don’t have a great answer for it because honestly, I don’t know.

Pray.  Pray that I will have wisdom and discernment to make the right choices for all the responsibilities I have in my life; pray that I will not be overwhelmed all the time; pray against a spirit of anxiety- I war against it on a constant basis; pray that when I feel weak, I will not let the enemy come in a whisper lies to me, and when I fail and he does, I believe the exact opposite (he’s a liar, so the opposite is the truth).  Pray that the obstacles in my family will be worked out and that more and more stress will be taken off of me.

I will tell you how you can help me once I actually have surgery though- my moms (Debbie and Sadie Ann) will need rides to the hospital, wherever that might be, possibly every other day or so.  I might very well be in Dallas or Plano, or who knows, but that would take a HUGE load off my mind while I’m in the hospital.  It probably wouldn’t hurt to have a few meals brought for them while they’re with me in the hospital because we all know that hospital food blows.

I have a really good friend, Alicia that will be coordinating meals and probably visitation for when I’m home.

That’s plenty for now, thanks for hanging out with me and hearing my heart.  I still have lots more to share and will do my best to keep everyone updated as I know things.

Thank you for loving me, from the very bottom of my heart.  I have the best people; seriously, no one has better people than I do.

Be blessed, y’all!

Pamela

He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.

Psalm 18:16 (NIV)

I Like Big Brains and I Cannot Lie... (Part I)

Some of you may have noticed that lately I’ve been posting on Facebook more and more about dealing with migraines and even going to neurologist.

I think now is a good time for some information to come out.

When I was a baby, there was an accident involving a babysitter, a ceiling fan blade, and my head. Needless to say, I got a skull fracture and had brain surgery to repair it when I was 10 months old.

The surgeon believed that over time, the plates in my skull would come together and fuse over the wound and I’d have no further issues.

Until I hit about 17, I didn’t. At 17, I began having debilitating migraines and went to a neurosurgeon to have it checked out.

An MRI revealed that when the plates grew together, the thin membrane around my brain (the Dura) got caught between the plates and caused a gap in my skull which created a Cerebral Spinal Fluid (CSF) leak.

That all means this: I have a hole in my head and I leak spinal fluid (which we all produce daily) on a continual basis which causes low pressure headaches. These are very painful and I experience them every single day. These are different from migraines.

I went to a Neurologist yesterday and found out that it is quite possible I also have actual migraines from a separate (unknown) cause.

At 17, the magic cure was this: the surgeon could put a Formica (think counter tops) plate in my head to protect my brain, repair the fracture, and stop the leak, thus putting a stop to my ‘migraines’.

However, by this time, I had turned 18 and was able to make this decision for myself.

In all my infinite wisdom at 18, I opted not to have brain surgery (& shave my head) and just kind of put it out of my mind. Meanwhile, I’ve suffered with migraines for the last 15 years.

Over the last 6 months, the symptoms have become more frequent-going from once every couple of months to at least once a week, and I can’t remember the last time I had a day without pain. It was more than 15 years ago for sure.

I always have a headache. There is never a time that I am not in pain to some degree. Some days the degree of pain is more manageable than others. Most days, I can totally handle it, others, it’s completely debilitating. Unfortunately those days are becoming more and more frequent. The pain is now completely out of control. Up until now, I haven’t been on any migraine medication or steady pain medication to control the pain. If I’m being brutally really upfront and honest, I’ve probably self-medicated with alcohol and tons of Motrin™ for years.

I have made the decision to finally fix this problem.

I have decided to have brain surgery to repair the fracture and stop this madness.

I would also like to add that this is not just about the pain, I’m at an incredible risk for infection (meningitis), and it’s extremely dangerous to have my brain exposed like it is; currently there is a gap in my skull where my brain is only protected by a thin layer of membrane (Dura), a thin layer of tissue, skin, and hair.
It is truly an act of God that I have never had an infection or been hit in the head. If I were to be hit in the head in that spot, it would more than likely be fatal because of the location of the gap.

I went to my first neurologist appointment yesterday to start this process. I am now on migraine meds to take on a regular basis, and meds to use in case of emergency (out of control type of migraines). I had new MRI scans done today to take to my surgeon because my previous scans are 15 years old.

I am writing this blog not to gain sympathy, or to even get public opinion, but my hope is to encourage those that might be dealing with chronic pain that they are not alone.

If through this journey I can point others to the Father for a deeper relationship with Him and to gain their strength from Him and not themselves, then I want to do that. My goal has always been and will continue to be to inspire others to recklessly trust God with every facet of their lives.

I have a tremendous amount of support and encouragement helping me along this journey. I want to document my feelings, emotions, fears, joys, hopes, and just flat out miracles so that I can really express how much God is showing off throughout this process.

I can see more clearly than ever that His hand has been on my life literally from day one. An accident that should’ve killed me, at the very least disabled me, has had little impact on my life until now.

So many times, the enemy has literally tried to take my life and God’s hand has been right there, protecting me, guiding me, and bringing me to this place where I’m being stretched further than ever before and my faith is growing daily. I’m being taught to be compassionate and exercise more grace towards myself and towards others more than I ever have before.

This is a terrifying and exciting journey. I cannot wait to see how God uses this to add to my already amazing testimony. He will get all the glory for this!

Be looking for more posts because I will go into detail of just how God brought me to this point in my journey- this is just the tip of the iceberg…

He is so good. In every way, in every circumstance, He is constantly making my ashes beautiful.

Be blessed, y’all!

Pamela Hill

 

Isaiah 61:3 (NLT)

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.

In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

Isaiah 49:16 (NIV)

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls

are ever before me.

It’s Just A Little Crush, So What?!

Daniel Dae Kim & Wife
 

Hugh Jackman & Wife
 



We live in a super-sexualized society where we worship and even idolize beautiful people.  Sex is everywhere and we’ve become desensitized to it because it’s everywhere. It’s only natural that we develop little crushes on celebrities, right?

 

So I had an intriguing thought the other day while watching an episode of Hawaii Five-0.I love this show- it’s entertaining, has plenty of suspense, and let’s face it; all of the actors are attractive and endearing in some way.

I have a particular crush on Daniel Dae Kim.  So what’s wrong with having a little crush on some good-looking actor?  I’m not stalking him, I’m not spending hours fantasizing about him, so what’s the harm? I’d make little comments about how hot he was, how I’d have his baby if he’d give me 5 minutes (I’ve also said this about Hugh Jackman) and little thoughts like that would just creep in and come out of my mouth before I even realized what I was doing.

Let’s be realistic here, there’s little chance that I’d ever meet him, and if I did somehow get the chance to see him in person, I can almost guarantee there would be no baby-making going on.

I did however realize that I was beginning to feel a tinge of conviction (not condemnation) whenever I would pin his pictures or I would make a comment to myself while watching the show.  His wife came to mind.  I had done some research on him and realized that he’s married, and has been for quite some time.  By me lusting after him (to whatever ‘harmless’ degree it was), I was dishonoring his wife, his marriage, and the covenant he made with his wife.

Ouch.

So it got me to thinking.  I had a Pinterest Board titled: “I’d have your baby…” and it was full of pictures of men (& woman) that were attractive/beautiful, and even people that I admired.  I posted these pictures with no regard whatsoever to what God might think about my actions.

What if the celebrity (or stranger off the street for that matter), is not married- should you even worry about it?

Well, this is what God says:

“But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman (or man) with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28 NLT

It’s just a bad idea.  It may seem harmless and innocent because the odds of even having an opportunity to act on it are slim to none, but it does have real implications, even if they aren’t obvious.

I’ll give you an example:
I knew a woman who was infatuated with a famous musician and constantly posted pictures of him on Facebook, often in a provocative pose, and she’d even send them to her friends as a ‘pick me up’. Even when she was around her husband, she’d talk about how hot this guy was and what she’d do to him if she had the opportunity.  After a while, her husband began to hate this guy, hated just hearing the sound of his name, and would voice his opinions to his wife about his disdain for this guy.

He began to pull away from her intimately.

She couldn’t understand why and she came to me.

 

Now, I don’t proclaim to have any infinite wisdom here on marriage, but I do know a thing or two about how not to have a healthy marriage and have a little hard-earned wisdom on how to make different, better choices in the future.

She was frustrated with her husband for suddenly not wanting her anymore and even questioned his faithfulness to her.  I asked her to consider having the tables turned for a minute.

What if he was infatuated with a gorgeous celebrity? What if he talked about her the way she talked about this guy?  What if he spent hours looking at her pictures online and sharing them with his friends?  What if he did this right in front of her?  How would she feel?

Her answer was simple: “I’d feel like he wanted her more than he wanted me.  I’d feel like I couldn’t measure up to what he has built up as perfection in his mind. I’d feel like he was settling for me.”

Even Christians fall into this trap.  Pointing this out, is probably not going to make me popular, but I’ve never been one to set out to make new friends and influence people.

No condemnation here, but my goal is to challenge you to allow the Holy Spirit to reveal truth to you, and be open to hear what He might have to say.

Any time you allow your thoughts to rule you, you open the door for sin to enter.  It doesn’t have to be a famous person, it can be some guy in your office, or some woman you see at Starbuck’s every morning, it just has to be someone who is not your spouse.

Let me encourage you if you’re like me and felt that little ping of conviction: there’s grace for that.  God’s not punishing you for having those feelings and desires for someone, but He does want you to take authority over your thoughts and not give the enemy any legal access to the door of sexual sins.

He wants you to live a life of freedom and that always starts with what you allow into your mind, which makes its way into your heart. Want to know what’s in your heart? Listen more carefully to what you’re speaking.

Matthew 12:34 says that from the abundance of

the heart, the mouth speaks.

I was convicted, that doesn’t mean that you will or should be, but it is actually an answer to prayer for something I had asked God at the beginning of the year: to expand my territory, take me even deeper into intimacy with Him, and allow me to be more sensitive to what the Holy Spirit is saying.

That’s happening.  I asked that because I wanted to grow.  I don’t ever want to be content in my walk with God, I want to be stretched and used to the full capacity that He will use me.

This just happens to be an area that He is stretching and challenging me in right now.

Now, I’m asking you to be challenged; trust God enough to ask to be stretched, to help you grow, and to be make you more sensitive to the Holy Spirit.

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela Hill

Please visit our website: www.ACreativeWord.com

I can be reached by email at: Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

 

 

Daniel's pic was found here.

Hugh's pic was found here.



 

 

 

 

 

It's Christmas Y'all...

Christmas time has to be one of my most favorite holidays ever, just after Thanksgiving.

Homes get all decked out in their finest decorations, people get sentimental over special ornaments, and ordinary places get a little bit cozier than usual.

I love decorating my tree- it stands as a ‘trophy’ of my Christmas-y abilities and I proudly display it for all to see.  My second pride and joy is my village that my mom adds to every year. 

I love to see the unique kindness and gentleness that we tend to show each other during this time of year.  Society deems this as the season of giving.

There’s some truth to that.  This is the season of giving- it’s when the ultimate gift was given to the world.  Jesus.

Let’s talk about Christmas Carols for a minute- most of us know them all, and probably a few of us know all the verses to our favorites.  Have we ever taken the time to really listen to the lyrics?  I mean, like, really think about what they’re really saying?

“Hark the Harold Angels Sing” is one that comes to mind immediately- it literally talks about how the angels in Heaven rejoiced at the birth of the King.

“Silent Night” speaks of the humbleness that the King of the world was born into.

“Little Drummer Boy” talks about a young boy who has come to see the King of Kings the only thing of real value that he possesses, his raw talent.  This young man recognizes that this is no ordinary baby, the humble position that he finds himself in, and desperately wants to show his adoration in the best way that he knows how.

I’ll be honest, until the other day when I saw the video posted below, I never gave much thought to that song and it wasn’t one of my favorites.  I see it differently now and it speaks powerfully to me.

Christmas is a difficult season for me now that I’m divorced and find myself without a family of my own.  I usually get pretty depressed and tend to dwell on the thoughts of how things ‘used to be’ when I was married.  We, (my ex-husband and his girls) would spend hours decorating our beautiful tree and watching Shrek  and listening to the Shrek Christmas CD and laughing and all getting along.  It was so precious to me.  Up until I left, we did it every year and I treasured that time together.

Now, I put my tree up myself and it’s just not the same.  There’s a certain amount of emptiness that comes with doing that.  Even if I have help, it’s an emptiness that only a family of my own can fulfill.

So, that being said, this year I asked the Father to help me by giving me a different outlook, help me to see this holiday in a different way.  I’m so grateful I did.

I heard “The Little Drummer Boy” in a new way and it spawned the whole Christmas Carol thought process.  It took me back to that miraculous night, where my Savior was brought into this world to a young woman who found favor with the God of the Universe.

You see, there were people that God sent angelic messengers to that believed this was the Messiah, knew that this was the Savior and Redeemer that was sent to save the World.

Wise men, royalty, shepherds, came to bring a baby- the King of Kings, their most treasured belongings as gifts, and bow before Him.  See, they knew He wasn’t just a baby, I firmly believe they recognized exactly who He was.

Can you imagine going before the One who was promised to save the world?  To save you?  To be close enough to Him that you could see the fleshy tones in His skin, to see Him smile for the first time?  Can you imagine what it was like to literally kneel before the One who would change the course of history forever?  Can you imagine?

I challenge you as you decorate your homes, cook that magnificent Christmas feast, snuggle in on snowy/icy days with your loved ones (even if those loved ones are furry), and send out Christmas cards to those you love; to ask the Father to help you really see this holiday for what He intended it to be.  Ask Him to reveal just a little more of His heart to you.  My prayer for you is that you’ll be as pleasantly surprised as I was when I asked.

I pray that you’re blessed beyond measure this holiday season and that you are blessed with new revelation of just how much the God of the Universe loves you; after all, He did send His most treasured gift to you, because He delighted in you, even before the foundations of the earth were laid.

From my heart to yours, Merry Christmas!!
 

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela

 

Running For My Life...

If someone wants to do this for me in the mornings, that'd be great...

**One thing I'm known for in my blog is my transparency; when it comes to spiritual things, it's pretty easy for me to show you my heart, even the ugly parts because I firmly believe that relation is the best tool of encouragement and ministry.  However, when it comes the physical stuff, well, that's a little more difficult for me, mostly because it's a hot-button issue for me.  My prayer is that through sharing this 3 things happen:
1) I stay motivated and held accountable for this new endeavor of getting healthy and fit
2) You're encouraged that you're not the only one that has ever felt this way about yourself
3) We all get to experience what happens when you trust God with the 'impossible'
Your thoughts of encouragement are always welcomed and I'm going to do my best to stick with this project and bring the funny!**

So I've decided that I'm tired of being fat.  Say what you want to about me being beautiful (duh) but let's face it, I've let myself go- in a huge way.  When the biggest clothes I've ever worn in my life are too small, we have a serious problem, and it's time to get drastic.
I've started the infamous 'Couch to 5K' program because I thought it'd be the easiest way to get into without dying.
I was wrong.
See, I have this problem.  I used to be an avid runner.  I ran every day- at least a mile (which was rare), rain, snow, sleet, or hail, me and that postman were out running.  I loved it- it came fairly easy, and it was therapeutic.
That was 80lbs and 16 years ago.
Yeah, that's like a whole person.  Talk about humbling and a little humiliating.  I think for some reason, I believed that it wouldn't be as torturous as it actually is because I did it so well before.
Yeah, even that skinny girl back then would've struggled carrying a full size (albeit unhealthy tiny) adult on her back.
With every step on the pavement, I feel every single pound.  Over and over.  Yet, as much of a struggle as it is, I'm motivated. 
I'm motivated because I don't want to be this way and I don't want it to be a struggle.
I want to be able to run the whole minute, every time it comes around instead of having to walk the last few intervals because I feel like I might die.

I run in my neighborhood, in the early mornings, while it's still dark out.  One street in particular is covered in trees- normally, during the day, it's nice and relaxing, in the dark, it's a fun-house full of spiders.  You know you're in bad shape when you actually don't care if spiders jump on you (they'd slide right off and probably drown from all the sweat anyway).  Did I mention that I have a paralyzing fear of spiders?

Running also used to be my 'quiet time' with the Lord. I used to spend that time sorting out the struggles I was facing that day.
My prayers are now fairly simple and go something like this:
Start of warm-up:
"Father, thank you for this day and the ability to drag my butt out of bed and do this!  I just love being out here alone with nothing but me and you."

After first interval of running...
"Father, thank you for helping me do that- it's a little painful, but thank you that I have the breath to do this!"

After the first 10 minutes of intervals (running/walking)...
"Oh *gasp* My *gasp* God! *pant, wheeze, pant, gasp* Please don't let me die out here, *deep breath* I'm so sorry *wheeze* for all the stupid crap *pant* I've ever done.  If you let me live, I'll do less stupid crap."

5 minutes later...
"*ragged breath* When I die, *pant* please let it be in *wheeze, gasp* front of someone's house *pant, struggle for breath* that's already awake. *dry-heave* Lord, they're not going *gasp* to find me for *gasp* another hour!  Please help *almost run into parked car, don't care* me not die... *intense revelation* I think I'm having a heart attack *clutching chest and gasping* and my leg is probably *pant/wheeze* broken.  Please send someone *pleading and gasping* that knows CPR my way..."

At the end...
"Well, Father, I'm home now and I didn't die.  Thanks."

Oh believe me, I was grateful, I just didn't have the energy to really express my thanks properly.
I'm so excited that I didn't die that I'm doing it again tomorrow.
Anyone that's available is welcome to camp out along my route and cheer me on or give me life-saving CPR when necessary.

I'm pretty sure this is how I look when I'm

running...but hey, at least I'm doing it!

Next time, I'll tell y'all about the homeless guy that I crossed paths with...

Blessin's y'all!

~Pamela

Ecard found here

Dog picture found here

So, Come Here Often?

I'm the one in the back with the glasses and hot stud!

 

No, thank God, I don’t.

And no, I’m not at the DMV.  I’m at a country and western dancing class at TWU with my “friend” Sandy.  We’ll see if she’s still my “friend” when these 8 weeks are over.

I tease, she’s alright and we did have fun.

She’s in this phase of life where she wants to try new things and meet new people and let’s be honest here, I’m SO NOT.

I’m pretty sure I’d been drinking when she proposed this idea of going to this class and I agreed to try it.  I think.  Or maybe I was just distracted.

Last night was our first class and I should’ve started drinking before leaving the house. 

See, we had this big plan of leaving early so we wouldn’t make a grand entrance.  It didn’t quite work out that way.  Oh, we left early, but we still made an entrance. 

We went to the wrong building.  Twice.

By the time we finally ended up where we were supposed to be, we were nice and sweaty, I mean, glowing with excitement to be there.

We walk into a room full of…couples!  Like boys and girls all posed neatly in a circle waiting to start dancing. 

Then we come busting into class, all two girls all dressed up and no boys to dance with.

Cause this wasn’t supposed to be a ‘couples’ class.

So, instead of being all depressed and single, we danced with each other, taking turns being the boy.

Now, get your minds out of the gutter, it wasn’t gross (mostly) but it was sweaty.

Sandy couldn’t figure out that the boys hands always go on top and she kept asking me not the fling her across the room for some reason.

I think the instructor got irritated a time or two because we kept laughing hysterically.  I’m also pretty sure that the other couples were somewhat annoyed- psh, like we’re supposed to take this all serious and junk?!  Please!

HELLO?!!!  We’ll be dancing at BARS… not like at a Catholic Mass or anything…

Anyway, I’m sure there will be much funni-ness that comes out of this new adventure that I find myself in.  Just the fact that I’m dancing… in a classroom… probably with a girl for the rest of my days… will have to bring some hilariousness.

I love my comfort zone- and I hate to brag, whatever, I love to brag, it’s pretty awesome up in Pamela’s comfort zone- but it’s healthy to be pushed from it occasionally.

I admire my friends that just seem fearless and anxious to try new things all the time when I dread it.

Oh yes, I’m sure there’s some deeper wounds going on there on my part, but still, it’s just not my nature to enjoy any kind of change in my world.

Lately though, I’ve been in sort of a rut and this was a good opportunity to change that.
Thank you, Sandy for helping me stretch and grow a little.

We’re still friends, for the moment. ;)

I can’t make any promises until after next week’s class.

Blessin’s y’all!

 

Pamela

Picture found here.

 

Where's Waldo? I Mean, Mr. Right?

He rescued me because He delights in me… Psalm 18:19

Today, I’m having a tough day being single.

It might sound foolish to some- and those some would be ones that are probably not single, but for those of us who have been single for a significant period of time (and a couple of months does not count here), you probably know exactly what I mean.

Some days being single are a breeze, even a preferred way of living, and other days, it’s just a drag.  Some days, you just long for companionship.  You just long to not come home to an empty house and no one to kiss goodnight.  Sometimes, you just want someone to eat dinner with and watch crappy TV.

Every day is not like this for me, today just happens to suck a little bit.  These days tend to come whenever I have some catastrophe at home, like right now, my a/c is out in the living room.  It would be nice to have someone else to suffer with ;) and to have to deal with the fiasco of repair people and the landlord so the burden doesn’t fall on just me.

Have you ever felt that way?

I want to tell you something about myself, because if you don’t know me, and you don’t know my heart, you’re starting to have thoughts like the following about me:

·         The right one will come along, you won’t be single forever, you just have to find him.  (The last I checked, he wasn’t hiding in the bushes or at Wal-Mart and if he’s a missing person, then we should really call someone about that.)

·         Maybe you’re meant to be alone (Maybe so, but man, that stings a little!  Is it really necessary to say this at all?)

·         This too shall pass (one of my favorites, so vague it could take on many meanings)

·         At least you don’t have any drama (uh, excuse me, no a/c in 100 degree heat creates drama!)

·         You don’t have to share the remote control! (Hello, I don’t share it otherwise)

·         You can eat out every night if you want to! (Right because take out all the time is awesome and cheap)

·         Remember how miserable you were in your marriage?  Do you really want to re-live that? (This one was stated to me recently and I honestly couldn’t think of a not smart-eleck-y way to respond to this.  God has promised me a healthy, happy, and God-centered marriage.  They’re not all bad!)

·         At least you have two precious puppies who love you and are excited when you come home every day! (My dogs freakin’ rock and they’re beyond adorable, but let’s be honest here- if you think dogs equate your God-Custom-Made husband, you’re delusional and have bigger issues than you are admitting.)

·         Just be patient, it’s all in God’s timing.  He knows what’s best. (Yes, He absolutely does, but it’s still okay for me to feel a little sad that that moment isn’t now.)

Here is something really important to know about me:

I absolutely, recklessly trust my Father to bring my husband into my life.

I know that my husband is out there, and God knows exactly where he is (he’s not a missing person or Waldo) and His timing is perfect.  I also know that I’m a human being, with human emotions, and it’s only natural that we’ll feel a little lonely from time to time.

It’s not an everyday feeling and for that I’m grateful.  I can see how it would become and obsession, and at one point in my life, it was- I was on a mission to find a husband.

A husband.  Not the husband.  Not the one that God created just for me.

So I’m a little lonely these days- I have an ex that’s getting married soon and several others that are settled in satisfying relationships.  Know what?  I’m exceptionally happy for them!  I’m not jealous at all, maybe a little sad that I’m not also getting married or expecting any children soon, but certainly really excited for them.

Like I said, I’m human, and that’s my soul talking.  (Note: Your soul is actually your mind, will, and emotions)  I will not be run by my emotions.

Something else you need to know about me:

I absolutely, recklessly trust my Father with my life.

I trust Him in every area of my life.  When I choose to, I can be in His presence any time.  I don’t want or need a husband to satisfy my loneliness.

I have a Heavenly Father who cares for my every need and want.  He delights in me.  He longs for me to be in His presence and He is completely fulfilling to me.

I trust that my Father only wants good things for me.

I know that my God is for me, not against me.  I know that it hurts His heart when mine is broken.  I love my Father and I know that this time that I have on my hands right now, is completely His time.  Not to say that will completely change once I am with my husband and family, but it will some.  There are only so many hours in a day and so many demands that a family brings- my relationship with my Father will not diminish, but the amount of time that I’ll have available to spend with Him will change.

I guess you could say that I have a love/hate relationship with singleness right now.  I love that I have so many opportunities to share infinite and unique love for me; I love that I have time to take advantage of those.

I’m grateful that I don’t have the distractions that a family can sometimes bring- I have the attention abilities to actually plan out times when I speak at events. 

I’m grateful that I have friends that I can spend time with if I want to and that they will point me to spending time in my Father’s presence when I’ve had enough of feeling this way.

I am not looking for a man to make me happy- Jesus has already done that.  But having someone to take me to dinner and a movie and mow the yard once in a while would be great.

To sum up, I’m not unhappy being single but it has it’s downfalls.  I know that God has my very best interest at heart.

I also know that if one more person quotes Jeremiah 29:11 to me, I might actually scream.

Blessin’s y’all!

~Pamela