Grief Is A Cruel B*$%h…

Grief is a cruel bitch…

Some days, it’s like an ocean during a storm- where the waves are overwhelming and non-relenting.  It’s like a rogue wave that comes without warning; you have no idea where it’s going to hit you and it always comes when you least expect it.

I’m filing out a survey for the Hospice service that took care of my mother.  A simple survey and I feel like I got punched in the gut.

It’s ALWAYS there, just under the surface at the ready to pull the rug out from under your feet.

I’ve learned to compartmentalize, if I don’t, it would consume me.

I had no idea the impact my mother’s death would have on me. 

It’s been 4 months and I’m still completely devastated.  I’m still in complete shock and there are moments where I just can’t wrap my brain around the fact that she’s really gone.

I really thought that because I lost my dad 12 years ago, and we were really close, I’d know what to expect this time around.

I was so very wrong.

This time is so different, it’s not even comparable.

I miss her so much, it literally aches.  It still takes my breath away when I think about her smile, her laugh, the way she said my name, the way she called me, Baby Girl.  I have her voice recorded and I can’t bring myself to listen to it.  I guess I’m afraid it would shatter me if I did.

I have thank you notes to write yet for those who contributed to her cremation/memorial costs and I just can’t write them.  I need to set up a payment plan to finish paying for the cremation and I just now did that.  I need to purchase an urn for her ashes and I just can’t do it.
Every time I start to work on these things, I just stop breathing.

I experienced so much adversity in my life and I’ve always used it to make me stronger, (and give me a dark sense of humor) but this?  This makes me feel like I’m going to just crumble.

She was so special and so beautiful, and I know she never knew that while she was alive. 
I wish I had told her more.

She had such a hard, hard life, sometimes at her own hands, but not always.
It seems like she never could really get it together, no matter how hard she tried.  Time and again, she picked herself up, and soldiered on.  Things just didn’t work out for her most of the time.  Her times of complete stability were few and far between, but you’d never know it by her attitude.

I wish I had done more to help her with that.

I know that eventually the grief will change into something smoother and less jagged, but right now, it still feels like someone punches me in the gut every time I think of her.

She had the greatest laugh, and she laughed all the time.  She was passionate and felt things big.  She loved with her whole heart.
She never lost her joy.  I could learn a lot from that.

DUDE - I'm Gettin' Hitched!

“Take delight in the Lord, and
He will give you
your heart’s desires.”

Psalm 37:4

“…Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. You people will be my people, and your God will be my God.”
~Ruth 1:16

Hello Blogging Universe!

Been too long since I posted here, but I feel like it’s time now. 

I’m posting because I have to share something about this picture:

Most would describe what they see as pure joy and goofiness; a candid moment.  What do I see? Not just a glimpse into my every day with this dude, but an answer to prayer.

It’s amazing how God works things out that seem impossible.  If you’ve ever read my blog posts in the past, you know I was single a painfully long time.  I prayed a LOT of prayers, begged, pleaded and cried an ocean of tears to not do life alone anymore.  More than once I begged the Holy Spirit to make me understand why I was single for so long.
Turns out, I was living in the wrong state.  Hahaha

Well, maybe there was more to it than that, but I digress.

During all those oh-so-glamourous-heart-wrenching-moments-with-God, He revealed something to me.

I will never forget the moment He showed me a picture of my future- at the time, I was in misery.  I was lonely, hadn’t been asked out on a date in months, seemingly invisible to the opposite sex.  My heart was aching for someone to love and love me back. 
Like I had done some many times before, I poured my heart out to the Lord, begging, pleading, snotting, crying, and when I got all my words out, I asked for a promise, a glimpse, something to hold onto to keep me from losing my mind altogether.

God revealed a picture to me – a literal picture.  It was huge and sitting on a mantel over a fireplace. It was a picture of my wedding day at the altar with my husband and the minister.  Of course, all I could make out was 2 blobs where the guys were however, I could see myself clearly.  I was laughing like an idiot.  I had that huge mouth gaping, belly laugh expression on my face – clearly I was cracking up at something.  I remember hearing the Lord say, ‘I am preparing you for a marriage full of joy and laughter.  Trust me.’

Talk about humbling.  My first marriage had been such a nightmare and there was rarely laughing and absolutely no joy between us.  It was almost a concept I couldn’t fathom.  I mean, I knew that it would be better, but I didn’t know how much.

“You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.”

~Unknown

As the years went by, I kept that picture tucked away in my heart and clung to it in the many periods of loneliness.

Fast forward to March of 2016 – I meet this police officer while I’m temping for the City of River Falls.  We start chatting and I flirt and he’s clueless (which should tell you about my flirting skills).  He has a quirky sense of humor and a sensitivity that draws me to him.  That August, we start really talking – more than just small talk in the break room.

By mid-September, we were in a relationship.

Check out this ring!!!!!

Since that time, we’ve been through the ringer.  We’ve been through hell and back and have come out stronger and even more united.

When I say we belly laugh every day- I mean it.  We really do- we crack each other up on the regular.

“I love that you are my person and I am yours, that whatever door we come to, we will open it together.”

~A. R. Rasher~

Over the last 2 years, I’ve had that picture pop up from time to time but for the most part, it stayed tucked away.  I never even told Bryant about it- I hadn’t given up on it, but I know that sometimes things don’t look exactly like we think they will.

I figured the picture the Lord showed me was indicative of a relationship of lots of laugher and all that junk- which I had.

I really thought that, and I was good with it.  That is, until I saw our engagement photos at 3am this morning and it slapped me right in the face.

I couldn’t believe what I was looking at.  No, it wasn’t a wedding picture, and I wasn’t with a minister, and I wasn’t in my amazing wedding dress, but it was the exact same expression I saw before.  Purely candid and full of joy, love, and so, so much happy.

We’re not perfect, but we are perfect for each other.  There is no question in my mind that Bryant is the fulfillment of God’s promise to me.
Bryant is proof that God is true to His word.

I never knew I could love this much or be this happy.  Bryant constantly challenges me to be a better person – constantly points me to the Father – and is the calm to my crazy.

Our relationship is further evidence that God always, ALWAYS brings beauty from ashes – especially when ashes are all we have to offer Him.

I’m so grateful for Bryant and I can’t wait to be his wife!!

Blessin’s, y’all!

Pamela (soon to be) Ekstrom

I Don't Trust God as Much as I Thought I Did...

“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.”

Isaiah 49:16 (NIV)

Have you ever read a verse and thought to yourself: “Part of that applies to me, the other, not so much”.

Yeah, me either.  Except for this one.  Mainly, because I wasn’t wrapping my brain around the wall part, but something in my spirit pricked every time I read it.

Anyone that knows me at all, will tell you that I’m an independent-get-it-done-yourself kind of woman.  The women in my family are just known for their “I can do it myself” attitude.  We’re strong, self-reliant, and hard working- and proud.  Boy, are we ever proud.  We never show weakness and we most certainly do not ask for help.  Needing help is a shameful thing.  Showing weakness is a shameful thing.  Owning your mistakes, that’s right, it’s a shameful thing.

The fact that I can be transparent at all, is a freaking miracle.

I was brought up with the mentality that you should never, ever depend on someone else to do anything for you.  You should never depend on anyone to take care of you, because they will fail you every time.  Countless times have I heard the advice from my mother, ‘Pamela, you can’t depend on any man to take care of you because as soon as you do, he’ll leave and you’ll not be able to take care of yourself.  You just can’t depend on them.”

Add that on top of a tumultuous childhood of instability, an adolescence of verbal and emotional abuse from someone who was supposed to take care of me, and marrying a man who was just not capable of taking care of anyone but himself and here we are.

So let’s get back to these walls…

“Your walls are ever before me.”

To be quite honest with you, I didn’t even realize that I even had walls before the Lord.  I didn’t even realize that there was any part of my heart that I didn’t leave open to the Lord.  Turns out, that’s a lie.

There are wounded parts of my heart that I’ve made off limits to not only God, but to myself.  I locked them away and forgot about them.

However, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times at least- sooner or later, every truth comes to light.  There is nothing hidden in the dark that doesn’t eventually make it’s way into the light.

It did for this weekend, and this weekend was hard.  I am in the process of learning how to become financially stable- I’ve struggled all my life with not having enough – not having enough money, attention, love, affection, sex, nice things, whatever it may be, just not enough.  I’ve tried every which way I could to have ‘enough’.  I’ve spent money on worthless things to try and feel like I had enough junk in my home; I’ve stayed in unhealthy relationships for far too long so that I could have ‘enough’ affection and love; I’ve had more friends with benefits than I care to admit out loud to try and make myself feel like ‘enough’.  Here’s some revelation- until I let God heal those deep, dark, wounded parts of my heart, there will never be ‘enough’ of anything because I’m attempting to fill a bottomless void.

SO as I come to this gut-wrenching revelation at the help of a good friend who’s trying to help me get my finances in order- I recognized that I there are things that I need to forgive God for.

I needed to forgive God for not giving me parents that were able to provide for me when I really needed it.

I needed to forgive God for not protecting me in all the ways I felt like He should have.

I needed to forgive God for taking things and opportunities away from me that I thought I deserved and I needed.

I needed to forgive God for withholding from me all the promises He’d given me- a husband, a family for instance.  The truth is though- if the man that God created for me, the one He’s promised me, walked into my life right now, I wouldn’t trust him.  I’d always be waiting for him to let me down, to hurt me.

I needed to forgive myself for not trusting God to be my provider; for so arrogant and thinking that I could take care of everything on my own when that hasn't worked for me thus far.

Then, I had to let the Father come in and heal those deep, dark, hidden wounds of my heart.  That’s still a work in progress.

I believed the lie that God couldn’t be my provider for every area of my life and in doing that, denying that God can’t be God all the time, I’d robbed myself of so many great opportunities for God to show off in my life.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve said that I wanted God’s best, that I wouldn’t settle for anything mediocre or sub-par from God- I want everything that He has for me.  In order to receive that, I have to let Him be God.  I have to let Him be my everything and I have to trust Him to be that provider.

I have to stop being self-reliant.  I have to accept that in reality, I have no control, I have no say in how things go in my world.  I have to lay down my own will to have things my way.  I have to trust that whatever God wants to give me is His best, not mine because let’s be honest here, my best is filthy rags compared to His best.

I’m still processing and I’m still being submissive and several moments throughout the day, I have to stop myself from trying to figure it all out and trust that He’s at work and it’s for my good.  I’m a logical person so it’s hard for me to trust an illogical God. 

I have to trust Him.  In all things, in everything, in every minute detail of my life and of my heart, I have to trust Him.

Like I said, I’m still letting God reveal the hidden parts of my heart- the parts that are still tucked away behind those walls- the ones I thought were hidden from Him, but He states it so clearly- my walls are ever before Him.  He never stops thinking about them, He’s just waiting for me to give Him the permission to bring them down.

I don’t just want them to come down, I don’t just want Him to crush them, or tear them down, I want Him to obliterate them.  As painful as those wounds are, and as painful as I think it will be to let Him heal them, I don’t want any part of my heart guarded from Him.

The other great part of that verse, my name is engraved in the palm of His hand- because He loves me that much.

He is my healer, and He is my provider, and He is a good, good God- there is no one or no thing that has the capacity to love me the way He does.

I want my heart to be laid open before Him, because it is all that I have and I love Him so much that I want Him to be the God of my life, to be the King of my heart.

Besides, it’s not like anything or any part of me is hidden from Him anyway.  He sees the darkest and dirtiest parts of me and loves and delights in me anyway.

How could I not trust a God like that?

I’ll leave you with this- trust Him.  Forgive Him if you need to, forgiveness is not about feeling like it, or being in a place where you think you can, it’s a command, and it’s for your own good.  How much of the goodness of God are you missing because you’re holding on to something painful?

Embrace the healing.  He is for us.

Be blessed.

~Pamela

7th Anniversary

“Then Job answered the LORD and said: ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.” Job 42:1-2

In scrolling through the old memories app in Facebook, I came across this gem and a different status that said, 'officially divorced'.

God has a way of taking tragedy and hopelessness and still making something so perfectly beautiful from it.

I just can't wrap my head around how He's able to take so much pain and make good come from it.

He's still writing my story and He's still making beauty from my ashes, but I am so, so grateful for His promise to bring it to fruition.

I may not always understand, but I can always trust that He will always work the bad for my good.

My Plan B is still His Plan A, no matter how much I think I've messed it up.

If you're struggling with pain today, as so many seem to do around the holidays, hold on to this truth.
Lean into His presence and let the Father comfort your heart and heal it as only He can.  He'll do it, He longs to do it, you just have to trust Him with your pain.

He's just so good at His job.

So good.

Be blessed and Happy Thanksgiving!

~Pamela~

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

www.ACreativeWord.com

Image can be found here

Howdy Y'all! (part 1)

“For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:19

Well- I did not fall off the planet.  

I mean, sometimes, it feels like I did, but alas, my faithful 4 followers- I did not disappear completely.
Turns out, I was right- they do have The Facebook up here, they use The Internets, and they do have cell phone coverage.

Where do I begin??

First off, the bed & breakfast thing did not happen, just wasn’t God’s timing- however, that was not the purpose for why I was coming here- I came here simply because God called me to minister to the people here.

The treacherous drive up here was soul-changing. 

It took me and the dogs 2 days to get here.  I was pulling an extremely full U-Haul trailer with an exceptionally full truck.  Twenty (yes, 20) hours of driving and 3 pukey stops (poor Chester) and a constantly peeing mommy (I have fantastic kidneys!) – we made it.

Before the vomiting ensued...

During that drive I experienced every emotion possible.  I was in awe of how beautiful this country is – shocked and irritated at how extremely WIDE Oklahoma is, and just how long the non-tollway highway in Kansas is.  (FYI- there is NOWHERE to stop and pee in Kansas.  No. Where.  Not even a bush.  Seriously, y’all; take the tollway, it’s worth the ten bucks.)
I was angry at the important people in my life that just couldn't accept that I had to be obedient to God's call, sorrowful for the best friends I was leaving behind, excited for a new start, and terrified for too many things to name here.

When I first got here, we lived in Rice Lake, Wisconsin- by ‘we’, I mean, Lisa and Charles Jett.  They have been gracious enough to take me in and help me get on my feet.

I was there for 3 weeks – Charles and Lisa had purchased a home about 2 hours away in River Falls so I stayed in their awesome RV until we moved (again).

Secluded, homey, and so relaxing - except for the bears.

The night before we were to move to River Falls, tragedy struck.  I was loading my truck, for the move – getting all my junk out of the RV, when I missed the bottom step and broke my ankle and foot in 2 places.

Could not have happened at a worse time.

I went from being a fully functioning adult to someone who wasn’t able to go to the bathroom by myself.

For. Real. Y’all.

Talk about being taken down a notch or 10.  I will never be able to thank Charles and Lisa enough for how graciously they helped me.  They had to help me do everything all while moving (them and me) to a new place.  They took care of Daisy and Chester, took me to doctor’s appointments, helped me get around, fed me, entertained me… and loved and prayed for me.

Because of my injury, I was in bed a lot- less mobile than usual.  I wasn’t really supposed to get up and do much so I had a lot of time to think.
This was my hardest time- besides, Charles and Lisa, I had no one.  I had no job, no church, no friends, no people at all.  I could feel myself going down emotionally.  This is when I really started the grieving process… I was mourning the life I had in Texas.

When I first moved here, it felt like I was on a perpetual vacation – that wore off pretty quickly.  

About 2 weeks before my final doctor’s appointment, I began job-hunting.  I got an interview for a company in St. Paul.

The interview itself was really interesting- it was less about my actual skills (my resume speaks for itself, I guess) and more about what my purpose up here was.  I was sort of grilled about my ministry views and I began to realize that this wasn’t so much about a job, it was more about what I was really doing up here.  I know from an employer’s point of view, they were concerned about me getting homesick and leaving, but I know from a spiritual point of view, I was in some unknown territory.  It was good though- it really helped me define what I was doing here.  Bringing people to freedom in Christ.

Shockingly enough, they offered me the job and I started there on July 1st, got my walking boot off on July 2nd, and moved into my new townhouse July 3rd.  Whew!  Talk about going from sitting in my bedroom catching up on Gilligan’s Island to being a grown up in a matter of a couple of days! 

For those of you that actually know geography (I do not so no judgement here), I live in Wisconsin and work in Minnesota- it’s only about 40 minutes from where I live.

Let me state something here… Dallas drivers are nothing compared to Minnesota drivers.   

Oh. My. Cow.  Welcome to the Passive/Aggressive capital of the Universe.  I got cut-off by a cop!!  These people don’t wave, don’t use blinkers, don’t even give you the finger, they just cut you off and assume you’ll move out of the way. 
I also went from driving 4 minutes to work one way, to over an hour (some days) one way – white-knuckling it all the way to work.  J
Needless to say, this has been an adjustment.

So far, since I moved here in May, I’ve been back to Texas twice- both were short trips for ministry purposes and I’m about to come back in October for a couple of days to serve at Tres Dias.

You can take the girl out of Texas, but you'll
never take the Texas out of this girl!

I’m pretty positive this will be my last trip to Texas for a while.  It’s expensive and I have to board my dogs while I’m gone – which can get super pricey in a hurry.

I miss Texas.  So much.  I miss my life there- my job, my house, my friends, my family and it’s been so much more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

I feel like I’ve been in this constant state of grieving since I moved here.  I realized that part of my problem is that so far, I’ve been living here but still trying to maintain a life in Texas.  The problem with that is, I don’t live in Texas, I live here.
I must create a life here.  Until I manage to do that, it’s just going to be hard.

That is also part of the purpose of waiting so long to come back to visit – I need some distance.  I keep finding myself counting down the days until I get to go back home and that is no way to be present here. 

This has to become my new home.  To be quite honest, that’s been a painful revelation.
I had a great life in Texas but I have to be obedient to what God is calling me to- right now, that’s up here.  I have no idea what the future holds, and I have no idea where it might take me but I do know that I have to trust Him.

I don’t fully understand what I’m doing up here, and some days, I really question why I’m here and He always reassures me that He’s got it all under control.
Starting a new life somewhere else might seem exciting, it might seem like a great new adventure, but what most outsiders fail to see, is that it comes at a cost.  At least for me.

I’ve sacrificed a career that I loved, I’ve lost some friendships, I’ve sacrificed some potential romantic relationships, and I’ve even lost a relationship with an important family member because she just wouldn’t accept my decision to move.
Some may even be shocked to learn that this has made me softer- more emotional than I think I’ve ever been (or maybe it’s the hormones?! Lol).  There hasn’t been one day since I left that I haven’t cried at some point or another. (I’m now that lady at the airport that cries at check-in, you’re welcome) Sometimes it’s sad, sometimes, I’m just dealing with my life.
This has changed me- I hope for the better, but being brought to a place of humility like I have, has taught me so many things about myself. 
Not the least of which is this: it’s not about me, it’s about Him, and it’s about what He wants.
I want His best for me and if this is what it takes to get to it, then so be it.

And don't even get me started on how they talk up here......

More to come… 

Be blessed, y’all!

~Pamela

I can be contacted at: Pamela@ACreativeWord.com
Visit our website at: www.ACreativeWord.com

Purging...

Purging…

Wow.

It’s getting more and more real with each passing day.  I’ve reached the stage in my move where I have to actually start doing stuff.  I’m cleaning out closets, the garage, rooms, and I’m wondering, ‘how in the world did I accumulate so much JUNK?!’

I mean, seriously- this is just sad.  No ONE person needs this much crap.

Today, I’ve actually started packing.  Well, if I’m being totally honest, I’M not packing, my mom offered her help so she’s doing it while I’m at work.

I’m starting to disconnect services, I’ve turned in my resignation at work, and I’m starting to let doctors’ offices, etc. know my forwarding address.

Meanwhile, I’ve started cleaning out the garage- which up until now, has been full of what I affectionately refer to as, mystery boxes.  You know the boxes that you never unpack, you just keep moving them from place to place?  Yeah, I have about 8 of them.

In the process of purging, I’ve come across a plethora of stuff from my marriage.  I’ve been divorced almost as long as I was married.  This means that there are tons of financial documents that are over 10 years old that need to be shredded.

As you might imagine, this has stirred up some emotions.  It has also brought to mind, areas where I still need to exercise forgiveness and finally let go of some grief.  I’ve run across countless pictures and cards, and just sentimental mementos from my past.  I even ran across a box of the silk flowers used in my wedding.
I won’t even try to pretend like that wasn’t hard to come across.
I spent the better part of that afternoon sobbing in the garage as I once again, mourned over the death of my marriage.

Seven years.  You’d think in all that time, all of that pain, the grief, and the heart wounds would be all healed.  They obviously weren't.

One of the greatest lies in the history of mankind:

TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS.

Huge lie.  In fact, if you think about it, time causes wounds to become infected and fester and can even lead to death if they are not treated properly enough to heal.

Time does not in fact, heal anything.  God is the ONLY One who can heal your heart wounds. 

Ever meet those people who have been divorced for decades and still talk about their ex like it just happened yesterday?  What about those who lost a loved one 40 years ago and still talk about them like they just saw them yesterday?
Yeah, they’re not healed.  Time won’t fix that, but God can.

We must let Him.

So, on that Sunday afternoon, I stood in my garage, and sobbed over the remnants of my broken marriage, the loss of my children, and the destruction that was born from our divorce.  I made a pile out of the papers that needed to be shredded and started sending out texts to different crafty people to see if anyone could use my flowers.

I also sent out a couple of texts to my people telling them I needed some healing for my broken heart.

Then, I brought my brokenness to the Lord.  I sobbed, I snotted, and I asked for answers.

“Why did my marriage have to be the one that failed?”
“Why did our dreams have to fall to dust?”
“Why is he allowed to move on and find love and make another marriage work, while it feels like he put no effort into ours?”
“Why does HE get to be happy with a companion and I’m here all alone?”

I would love to say that God answered all my questions with the perfect answers that put my heart at ease, but that’s not what happened.
Instead, He let sob, He let me ask, and He let me pour my heart out for as long as I needed to.

Then He showed me something – I had believed a lie.
I believed that my marriage to John was my only shot at having a good life with someone.

I had to realize that the truth is, God has someone out there who was made just for me.  He was going to take the pain and destruction and make it into something beautiful that glorified Him.
I had to let God heal my heart.
I have to trust in His promises to me.

It has been so evident that He is closing the door to this chapter in my life and opening a whole room of possibility for me in Wisconsin.

I honestly don’t know what will happen there – I don’t know who I will meet there – and I most certainly do not know what God’s plan is.  I do know that it is good and it is HIS best for me.

I go through a roller-coaster of emotions on a daily basis right now because this is all so overwhelming; but the one that is becoming more and more evident- EXCITEMENT!! I cannot wait to really start this adventure!

My last day at work is the 24^th and I leave town on the 30^th.  I’ll be breaking the trip up into 2 days because it’s just too far to make in one day pulling a trailer.

I will be posting to my blog much more regularly and keeping all my people updated that way.
Yes, I will be keeping The Facebook and my phone number for those that have it.  For those that buy from me, I will still be doing Scentsy- it will just be shipped to your house now instead of mine.

Your prayers and encouragement are more appreciated that you’ll ever know.  I have been overwhelmed by the amount of love that has been shown to me over the last couple of weeks.  I will always be a Texas girl (I will NOT be a Cheese-head) and I am actually looking forward to experiencing a Wisconsin winter (seriously, have you seen me sweat? It’s not pretty and definitely not sexy).

I seriously have the BEST people in the world and I am excited to be expanding my territory because I KNOW that Wisconsin needs more TEXAS goodness.  I mean, after all, God blessed Texas.

Be blessed y’all!
Pamela

I can be reached at:

Email: BeautifulChaos2010@hotmail.com

Website:www.ACreativeWord.com