Grief Is A Cruel B*$%h…

Grief is a cruel bitch…

Some days, it’s like an ocean during a storm- where the waves are overwhelming and non-relenting.  It’s like a rogue wave that comes without warning; you have no idea where it’s going to hit you and it always comes when you least expect it.

I’m filing out a survey for the Hospice service that took care of my mother.  A simple survey and I feel like I got punched in the gut.

It’s ALWAYS there, just under the surface at the ready to pull the rug out from under your feet.

I’ve learned to compartmentalize, if I don’t, it would consume me.

I had no idea the impact my mother’s death would have on me. 

It’s been 4 months and I’m still completely devastated.  I’m still in complete shock and there are moments where I just can’t wrap my brain around the fact that she’s really gone.

I really thought that because I lost my dad 12 years ago, and we were really close, I’d know what to expect this time around.

I was so very wrong.

This time is so different, it’s not even comparable.

I miss her so much, it literally aches.  It still takes my breath away when I think about her smile, her laugh, the way she said my name, the way she called me, Baby Girl.  I have her voice recorded and I can’t bring myself to listen to it.  I guess I’m afraid it would shatter me if I did.

I have thank you notes to write yet for those who contributed to her cremation/memorial costs and I just can’t write them.  I need to set up a payment plan to finish paying for the cremation and I just now did that.  I need to purchase an urn for her ashes and I just can’t do it.
Every time I start to work on these things, I just stop breathing.

I experienced so much adversity in my life and I’ve always used it to make me stronger, (and give me a dark sense of humor) but this?  This makes me feel like I’m going to just crumble.

She was so special and so beautiful, and I know she never knew that while she was alive. 
I wish I had told her more.

She had such a hard, hard life, sometimes at her own hands, but not always.
It seems like she never could really get it together, no matter how hard she tried.  Time and again, she picked herself up, and soldiered on.  Things just didn’t work out for her most of the time.  Her times of complete stability were few and far between, but you’d never know it by her attitude.

I wish I had done more to help her with that.

I know that eventually the grief will change into something smoother and less jagged, but right now, it still feels like someone punches me in the gut every time I think of her.

She had the greatest laugh, and she laughed all the time.  She was passionate and felt things big.  She loved with her whole heart.
She never lost her joy.  I could learn a lot from that.

I Don't Trust God as Much as I Thought I Did...

“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.”

Isaiah 49:16 (NIV)

Have you ever read a verse and thought to yourself: “Part of that applies to me, the other, not so much”.

Yeah, me either.  Except for this one.  Mainly, because I wasn’t wrapping my brain around the wall part, but something in my spirit pricked every time I read it.

Anyone that knows me at all, will tell you that I’m an independent-get-it-done-yourself kind of woman.  The women in my family are just known for their “I can do it myself” attitude.  We’re strong, self-reliant, and hard working- and proud.  Boy, are we ever proud.  We never show weakness and we most certainly do not ask for help.  Needing help is a shameful thing.  Showing weakness is a shameful thing.  Owning your mistakes, that’s right, it’s a shameful thing.

The fact that I can be transparent at all, is a freaking miracle.

I was brought up with the mentality that you should never, ever depend on someone else to do anything for you.  You should never depend on anyone to take care of you, because they will fail you every time.  Countless times have I heard the advice from my mother, ‘Pamela, you can’t depend on any man to take care of you because as soon as you do, he’ll leave and you’ll not be able to take care of yourself.  You just can’t depend on them.”

Add that on top of a tumultuous childhood of instability, an adolescence of verbal and emotional abuse from someone who was supposed to take care of me, and marrying a man who was just not capable of taking care of anyone but himself and here we are.

So let’s get back to these walls…

“Your walls are ever before me.”

To be quite honest with you, I didn’t even realize that I even had walls before the Lord.  I didn’t even realize that there was any part of my heart that I didn’t leave open to the Lord.  Turns out, that’s a lie.

There are wounded parts of my heart that I’ve made off limits to not only God, but to myself.  I locked them away and forgot about them.

However, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times at least- sooner or later, every truth comes to light.  There is nothing hidden in the dark that doesn’t eventually make it’s way into the light.

It did for this weekend, and this weekend was hard.  I am in the process of learning how to become financially stable- I’ve struggled all my life with not having enough – not having enough money, attention, love, affection, sex, nice things, whatever it may be, just not enough.  I’ve tried every which way I could to have ‘enough’.  I’ve spent money on worthless things to try and feel like I had enough junk in my home; I’ve stayed in unhealthy relationships for far too long so that I could have ‘enough’ affection and love; I’ve had more friends with benefits than I care to admit out loud to try and make myself feel like ‘enough’.  Here’s some revelation- until I let God heal those deep, dark, wounded parts of my heart, there will never be ‘enough’ of anything because I’m attempting to fill a bottomless void.

SO as I come to this gut-wrenching revelation at the help of a good friend who’s trying to help me get my finances in order- I recognized that I there are things that I need to forgive God for.

I needed to forgive God for not giving me parents that were able to provide for me when I really needed it.

I needed to forgive God for not protecting me in all the ways I felt like He should have.

I needed to forgive God for taking things and opportunities away from me that I thought I deserved and I needed.

I needed to forgive God for withholding from me all the promises He’d given me- a husband, a family for instance.  The truth is though- if the man that God created for me, the one He’s promised me, walked into my life right now, I wouldn’t trust him.  I’d always be waiting for him to let me down, to hurt me.

I needed to forgive myself for not trusting God to be my provider; for so arrogant and thinking that I could take care of everything on my own when that hasn't worked for me thus far.

Then, I had to let the Father come in and heal those deep, dark, hidden wounds of my heart.  That’s still a work in progress.

I believed the lie that God couldn’t be my provider for every area of my life and in doing that, denying that God can’t be God all the time, I’d robbed myself of so many great opportunities for God to show off in my life.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve said that I wanted God’s best, that I wouldn’t settle for anything mediocre or sub-par from God- I want everything that He has for me.  In order to receive that, I have to let Him be God.  I have to let Him be my everything and I have to trust Him to be that provider.

I have to stop being self-reliant.  I have to accept that in reality, I have no control, I have no say in how things go in my world.  I have to lay down my own will to have things my way.  I have to trust that whatever God wants to give me is His best, not mine because let’s be honest here, my best is filthy rags compared to His best.

I’m still processing and I’m still being submissive and several moments throughout the day, I have to stop myself from trying to figure it all out and trust that He’s at work and it’s for my good.  I’m a logical person so it’s hard for me to trust an illogical God. 

I have to trust Him.  In all things, in everything, in every minute detail of my life and of my heart, I have to trust Him.

Like I said, I’m still letting God reveal the hidden parts of my heart- the parts that are still tucked away behind those walls- the ones I thought were hidden from Him, but He states it so clearly- my walls are ever before Him.  He never stops thinking about them, He’s just waiting for me to give Him the permission to bring them down.

I don’t just want them to come down, I don’t just want Him to crush them, or tear them down, I want Him to obliterate them.  As painful as those wounds are, and as painful as I think it will be to let Him heal them, I don’t want any part of my heart guarded from Him.

The other great part of that verse, my name is engraved in the palm of His hand- because He loves me that much.

He is my healer, and He is my provider, and He is a good, good God- there is no one or no thing that has the capacity to love me the way He does.

I want my heart to be laid open before Him, because it is all that I have and I love Him so much that I want Him to be the God of my life, to be the King of my heart.

Besides, it’s not like anything or any part of me is hidden from Him anyway.  He sees the darkest and dirtiest parts of me and loves and delights in me anyway.

How could I not trust a God like that?

I’ll leave you with this- trust Him.  Forgive Him if you need to, forgiveness is not about feeling like it, or being in a place where you think you can, it’s a command, and it’s for your own good.  How much of the goodness of God are you missing because you’re holding on to something painful?

Embrace the healing.  He is for us.

Be blessed.

~Pamela

Christmas In Yankeeland...

“Joyful are those who obey his laws and

 search for him with all their heart.”

~Psalm 119:2~

Lots of big changes in the Hill household since I last posted.

First off, I got not one, but two new jobs!  Before, I was working in St. Paul which is about 40 miles (one way) in white-knuckling traffic to a job that was less than desirable for my personality type.  Now, I get to work way closer to home at jobs that are perfect for my personality type and skill set.

I am currently working 2 part-time jobs.  During the day, I work for the City of River Falls as the Assistant to the Director of EMS (Emergency Medical Services) and in the evenings/weekends, I work at The Home Depot.  Truthfully, I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about HD, but as it turns out, I love it.  By far, one of the funnest jobs I’ve had- the people are great to work with and definitely not your typical retail.

I love working for EMS – it’s so great to be back in a job that’s so involved in the community and really makes a difference in people’s lives.  I work with a really great group of folks there too.

Secondly, I am no longer dating the guy I was seeing before.  He had some family stuff come up that required his full attention and after seeking the Holy Spirit for wisdom, I decided to end things between us.  We ended on amicable terms, but for the record- I’m still available for Mr. Tall, Dark, Handsome, and Independently Wealthy.
I’m also eligible for adoption by someone who is wealthy.

Thirdly, I am beginning to make some friends.  I know my time in St. Paul was not in vain, there were people there I was destined to meet and I’m so grateful I did!

I’m starting to really see God’s favor in every area of my life.  One of my co-workers at HD mentioned to me tonight that he didn’t know of any other employee that had won the hearts of their coworkers as quickly as I have.  I’m grateful for the unmerited favor I’m walking in right now.

This has been a welcome change of scenery- I’m finally coming out of a season of just overall feeling beat-down and depressed and walking into one where I’m joyful.

I don’t really remember the last time, if ever, I was actually this joyful. 

As a single person, the holidays can be a little lonely, but this year, it’s a little extra hard.  This will be the first Christmas that I’ve ever spent really alone- I’ve never not been with my family and/or friends for the holiday.
Lisa and Charles are back in Texas to be with their families and while I have friends, I don’t have many.
Just to show that God is not surprised by this- He placed me in a job, with people who are required to work 24/7/365 (EMT’s, Paramedics, First Responders, etc) just in time for the holidays.  I’m developing a great relationship with my coworkers and now have somewhere to hang out should I get lonely.

I can finally say that I’m confident I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  I still get made fun of for my accent (that may never change) and I still can’t understand people up here half the time, but I’m doing really well.
I still love Texas with all my heart and I miss my people there, but life is getting really good here.

Obedience comes at a cost, but things worth doing are always worth the sacrifice.
I trust God- I don’t always understand His plan, but I trust it.

I know He’s doing a deep work in me- He’s healing some deep-seated wounds in my heart from my marriage and divorce, wounds from my childhood, and bringing restoration in areas of my life that I thought may never come.
He is just so good.

He is the keeper of promises and it’s so amazing to watch them come to fulfillment in my life.

Thank you to all those who love me, pray for me, and encourage me.

It takes a great deal of courage to press on when I start getting really homesick.  Some days, it’s more appealing to pack up and move back home, especially when there are so many that want me to come back.  I wish it was that easy. 

For those that encourage me to stay the course, keeping doing what God has called me to do (even when they don’t understand why I have to be so far away to do it!) – you are my life-savers.  I could not do this without your support.

I pray that God reveals a new part of Himself in a special way to you this Christmas.

Have a Merry Christmas and Be Blessed, Y’all!!

~Pamela, Chester, & Daisy Mae

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

Visit our website at www.ACreativeWord.com

7th Anniversary

“Then Job answered the LORD and said: ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.” Job 42:1-2

In scrolling through the old memories app in Facebook, I came across this gem and a different status that said, 'officially divorced'.

God has a way of taking tragedy and hopelessness and still making something so perfectly beautiful from it.

I just can't wrap my head around how He's able to take so much pain and make good come from it.

He's still writing my story and He's still making beauty from my ashes, but I am so, so grateful for His promise to bring it to fruition.

I may not always understand, but I can always trust that He will always work the bad for my good.

My Plan B is still His Plan A, no matter how much I think I've messed it up.

If you're struggling with pain today, as so many seem to do around the holidays, hold on to this truth.
Lean into His presence and let the Father comfort your heart and heal it as only He can.  He'll do it, He longs to do it, you just have to trust Him with your pain.

He's just so good at His job.

So good.

Be blessed and Happy Thanksgiving!

~Pamela~

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

www.ACreativeWord.com

Image can be found here

Howdy Y'all (part 2)

“Blessed is she who believed the Lord would fulfill His promises to her!”
Luke 1:45

 

I eat lunch here everyday... for now. 

Hi Y’all!

This is LONG overdue and I apologize for failing at being a good blogger.

Trust me, you’ll be alright.

For the 4 people that still read this- thank you for your undying loyalty, or at the very least, your ignorance on how to unsubscribe.

I finally feel like I can confidently say, I’m starting to establish a life here.  I have a good job, a great little townhouse (which are UBER popular up here!), a sassy new car, my dogs are happy and content, and I’m slowly starting to make friends.

I also, do not cry every single day like I did before, although, I will say that this whole change in my life, has softened me.

I’m dating now!! J  I know the world was wondering if I became a monk- I did not, nor did I ever make the conscious decision to stop dating.  Men just stopped asking me out for whatever reason.  I’m not going to go into details, but he’s a super great guy and I’m excited to see where God takes this.

So, some funny things I’ve noticed up here…

·        I’m worried that if I hear the question, ‘So will this be your first winter?  Probably your first time to ever see snow or cooler temps… Man- that's going to be a shock to your system!  I can't wait to see how you handle it!’ I might be on the news.
Yes, this is my first winter, no, it’s not my first time to ever see snow, nor is it my first time to ever see a lot of snow.  The people are so highly amused by the fact that I’ve never experience subzero temperatures- I’m also pretty sure there’s a pool going on at work at what point I’ll just pack up and move back to Texas.
I’m also pretty sure, they think it’s a thousand degrees in Texas year-round.
Everyone is just hoping I’ll fail at winter here.

·        Oh Lordy, my accent!!! This brings hours of amusement to my coworkers and just about anybody that I have to talk to around here. 
There’s a little grocery store right next to my house that I go in all the time, as I was checking out the other day this cashier said, ‘OH! You’re that lady from Texas!! We were talking about you the other day.  We just love your accent and your hair.’
My coworkers now send me emails with the subject line: “Y’all” or “Fixin’ To”.
I get told on a really regular basis that I have a sweet accent and yes, people still keep me talking just so they can hear it.
I’m not kidding.
FYI- Yankees talk FAST and then get annoyed when you don’t understand them.  If you want to sound like a dumb hick, just spend a whole day trying to communicate with yankees.
So far, I’ve been asked if I was from Tennessee, Kentucky, and another country.  Bless her heart…

·        I’m also fairly confident I won’t lose my accent- I mean, have you heard me talk?

·        Catholics and Lutherans have taken over the Midwest- not hardly a Baptist to be found, let alone a Bapticostal. ;)

·        If you ain’t passive aggressive, you ain’t from Minnesota

·        Texans just ‘think’ we love our football

·        Everyone here drinks.  It’s practically a religion up here

·        I was with some folks last night where in about 20 minutes, we talked about how Bob’s Bar closed down in some little town I’d never heard of, THE Llama Races and Drunk Fest, and how the baby llama races are really just Alpacas, but no one’s supposed to notice.

·        Yes, I live in Wisconsin and work in Saint Paul- it’s like Gainesville and Ardmore, people- not opposites sides of the country.

·        I live nowhere near Green Bay.

·        I should’ve paid a lot more attention in Geography class.

·        Every town up here is not pronounced the way it’s spelled with the exception of River Falls and Saint Paul.  My boss finds great pleasure in having me pronounce last names and town names

·        Yankees are really socially awkward towards new-comers and by socially awkward, I mean, they pretend you’re not there.

·        I have never seen leaves turn they way they do up here for fall.  Absolutely breath-taking…

Things are actually pretty good here.  I’ve found a church and they’re going to love me whether they like it or not.
I’m starting to get more involved with the Tres Dias community up here and that’s opening doors for me to meet people and minister.

We’ve had a couple of days where we’ve had some snow flurries and I’ll be honest- I love it, even if I still have to work.

I don't know that my walk with God has ever been this deep- He's been a Father to me for a long time, but now, I see Him as friend.

I can see the good that God has promised me starting to come to fruition and I’m so grateful.
I miss home- and Texas will always be home for me.

That being said, I’d like to address something:
Me being here was not my decision.  I made the decision to obey God and do whatever He asks of me, and go wherever He says go- therefore, it is HIS will that I am up here.
Moving up here has been one of the biggest challenges of my life- the biggest step of faith I’ve ever taken and it’s been a struggle.  God never said that if I’d move, He’d make it easy- He just promised it would be for my good.

Lately, I’ve had people with good intentions, make comments that I need to move back home.
I know their heart is good but when I'm really struggling and when I’m discouraged, those comments are hurtful.  Christians need to support their brothers and sisters when they’re being obedient to what God has called them to- even when they don’t understand it.

This has been a struggle for some of my people back home.  In some cases, I’m being ‘punished’ emotionally because I’m not doing what they think I should be doing.  All I can say to that is, you’re just going to have to take that up with the Lord.

If you can’t support me, then please, just be silent.  It’s hard enough to walk this road of obedience and hear what God wants me to hear without all the negativity.
I miss Texas and I miss my friends and family but I know I’m right where God wants me to be.
I have no idea what the future holds, but I know Who holds it and He has yet to let me down.
I love y’all and I appreciate the prayers and all the encouragement and I promise to start writing more.
I’m coming out of this season of grieving and finding my voice again and it feels good.
Y’all get ready!
Now, who’s going to set up a GoFundMe page to send some BlueBell up here to the frozen tundra?!

Be blessed!!

~Pamela

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

www.ACreativeWord.com

Blue Bell pic can be found here.

Purging...

Purging…

Wow.

It’s getting more and more real with each passing day.  I’ve reached the stage in my move where I have to actually start doing stuff.  I’m cleaning out closets, the garage, rooms, and I’m wondering, ‘how in the world did I accumulate so much JUNK?!’

I mean, seriously- this is just sad.  No ONE person needs this much crap.

Today, I’ve actually started packing.  Well, if I’m being totally honest, I’M not packing, my mom offered her help so she’s doing it while I’m at work.

I’m starting to disconnect services, I’ve turned in my resignation at work, and I’m starting to let doctors’ offices, etc. know my forwarding address.

Meanwhile, I’ve started cleaning out the garage- which up until now, has been full of what I affectionately refer to as, mystery boxes.  You know the boxes that you never unpack, you just keep moving them from place to place?  Yeah, I have about 8 of them.

In the process of purging, I’ve come across a plethora of stuff from my marriage.  I’ve been divorced almost as long as I was married.  This means that there are tons of financial documents that are over 10 years old that need to be shredded.

As you might imagine, this has stirred up some emotions.  It has also brought to mind, areas where I still need to exercise forgiveness and finally let go of some grief.  I’ve run across countless pictures and cards, and just sentimental mementos from my past.  I even ran across a box of the silk flowers used in my wedding.
I won’t even try to pretend like that wasn’t hard to come across.
I spent the better part of that afternoon sobbing in the garage as I once again, mourned over the death of my marriage.

Seven years.  You’d think in all that time, all of that pain, the grief, and the heart wounds would be all healed.  They obviously weren't.

One of the greatest lies in the history of mankind:

TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS.

Huge lie.  In fact, if you think about it, time causes wounds to become infected and fester and can even lead to death if they are not treated properly enough to heal.

Time does not in fact, heal anything.  God is the ONLY One who can heal your heart wounds. 

Ever meet those people who have been divorced for decades and still talk about their ex like it just happened yesterday?  What about those who lost a loved one 40 years ago and still talk about them like they just saw them yesterday?
Yeah, they’re not healed.  Time won’t fix that, but God can.

We must let Him.

So, on that Sunday afternoon, I stood in my garage, and sobbed over the remnants of my broken marriage, the loss of my children, and the destruction that was born from our divorce.  I made a pile out of the papers that needed to be shredded and started sending out texts to different crafty people to see if anyone could use my flowers.

I also sent out a couple of texts to my people telling them I needed some healing for my broken heart.

Then, I brought my brokenness to the Lord.  I sobbed, I snotted, and I asked for answers.

“Why did my marriage have to be the one that failed?”
“Why did our dreams have to fall to dust?”
“Why is he allowed to move on and find love and make another marriage work, while it feels like he put no effort into ours?”
“Why does HE get to be happy with a companion and I’m here all alone?”

I would love to say that God answered all my questions with the perfect answers that put my heart at ease, but that’s not what happened.
Instead, He let sob, He let me ask, and He let me pour my heart out for as long as I needed to.

Then He showed me something – I had believed a lie.
I believed that my marriage to John was my only shot at having a good life with someone.

I had to realize that the truth is, God has someone out there who was made just for me.  He was going to take the pain and destruction and make it into something beautiful that glorified Him.
I had to let God heal my heart.
I have to trust in His promises to me.

It has been so evident that He is closing the door to this chapter in my life and opening a whole room of possibility for me in Wisconsin.

I honestly don’t know what will happen there – I don’t know who I will meet there – and I most certainly do not know what God’s plan is.  I do know that it is good and it is HIS best for me.

I go through a roller-coaster of emotions on a daily basis right now because this is all so overwhelming; but the one that is becoming more and more evident- EXCITEMENT!! I cannot wait to really start this adventure!

My last day at work is the 24^th and I leave town on the 30^th.  I’ll be breaking the trip up into 2 days because it’s just too far to make in one day pulling a trailer.

I will be posting to my blog much more regularly and keeping all my people updated that way.
Yes, I will be keeping The Facebook and my phone number for those that have it.  For those that buy from me, I will still be doing Scentsy- it will just be shipped to your house now instead of mine.

Your prayers and encouragement are more appreciated that you’ll ever know.  I have been overwhelmed by the amount of love that has been shown to me over the last couple of weeks.  I will always be a Texas girl (I will NOT be a Cheese-head) and I am actually looking forward to experiencing a Wisconsin winter (seriously, have you seen me sweat? It’s not pretty and definitely not sexy).

I seriously have the BEST people in the world and I am excited to be expanding my territory because I KNOW that Wisconsin needs more TEXAS goodness.  I mean, after all, God blessed Texas.

Be blessed y’all!
Pamela

I can be reached at:

Email: BeautifulChaos2010@hotmail.com

Website:www.ACreativeWord.com