If you missed part one, click here.
I’ve
been so amazed at how many people have reached out to me wanting to help me in
some way and just how many people are praying for me. There are no words to describe how incredibly
blessed I am feeling right now. Please
know that even if my responses are short, you’re not going unnoticed and
definitely not genuinely appreciated.
A
lot of people have asked a ton of questions, I’ll do my best to try and answer
them here.
When is your surgery?
I
don’t have a date yet; I meet with my surgeon on Wednesday the 26th
in the morning.
So, how do you know you’re
having surgery if you haven’t met with your surgeon yet?
Because
I’m psychic, or psycho? No, it’s because I have a gap in my skull that can only
be repaired with surgery and it must be repaired. When I went to have it checked out before, I
was informed that having a plate put in my head is the best and really the only
option. Nothing physically has changed
(my skull didn’t magically close up because I can still feel the gap) except
that my symptoms are much worse than they’ve ever been.
How do you feel about all of
this?
I
went into writing this blog with the understanding that I would be painfully
transparent, so here goes.
Sometimes
I deal with this realization really well and sometimes, not so much. Sometimes I am so positive and strong I make
myself want to puke, other times, I want to drink myself into oblivion and
pretend it’s not happening to me. How’s
that for transparency?
My
neurologist explained something very important to me about chronic pain, it
automatically comes with depression, especially when you’ve dealt with it as
long as I have. Most of the time, I just
want to sleep, partly because my body is so worn out and partly because I can’t
dwell on it if I’m unconscious.
Most
of the time, I’m completely overwhelmed.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve been on this part of my journey to healing
for a year, other times, it just feels like 5 minutes. Getting in to see my surgeon so quickly is a
positive thing and an incredibly terrifying notion that I might have a surgery
date as soon as Wednesday morning.
I
walk the thin line between relief and horror on a pretty constant basis. I feel like I’m on the edge of just freaking
out at just about any given moment.
However,
those are just feelings- powerful ones, but still, just feelings. They’re not a good representation of how I’m
actually dealing with things.
In
those times where I’m overwhelmed, like right now, this very minute, I get
alone with God. I have found myself at
yet another place where I must be in His presence just to breathe, just to
function, just to feel any peace at all.
It’s in His presence that we’re made whole.
I
get alone with Him, I pour my heart out to Him, I voice my fears, my worries,
my joys, my hurts, my frustrations, my everything to Him…and then, I
listen. I wait for Him to speak to my
overwhelmed and weak heart. I wait for
Him to meet me there and embrace me and just make it all okay. And He does.
Never once have I not received what I really needed from Him.
I
couldn’t do this without being in His presence and having an intimate
relationship with Him.
No
matter how I might feel, I completely, 100%, totally, recklessly trust God to take
care of me.
You don’t seem like you’re
in pain…
I
was paid a tremendous compliment the other day (I think he meant it that way),
“You don’t seem like you’re in pain, ever.”
I’ve
worked very hard to not burden anyone with my physical pain, because honestly,
it won’t do anyone any good. I grew up
in a family where we didn’t talk about my injury much, for whatever reason, and
it certainly was not an excuse to be lazy.
Now, if there were days where I was in debilitating pain, my parents
were understanding and compassionate, but other than that, it just wasn’t
discussed. The theory in our house, was
even if you don’t feel good, you still have to get up and work because no one
else is going to do it for you. That’s
just how I’m wired. I try not to
complain a lot, and I always manage to just get up and do what needs to be done
regardless of how I feel.
If
you want to know the truth of the matter, most days, it takes more effort than
you can imagine to just get out of bed and pretend to be a functioning
adult.
I’ll
be glad to put those days behind me. I’m
ready to actually have the energy I pretend to have, I’m ready to not be
exhausted all the time and dealing with a throbbing head 24/7. I would love to know what that feels like because I honestly don’t
have any idea.
My
doctor put it to me like this: What takes a normal, healthy person 100% effort
to do takes me at least 125% to just get accomplished. That’s not even doing it well.
I’m excited to see how much better I am at my life when I don’t feel like this all the time.
I’m excited to see how much better I am at my life when I don’t feel like this all the time.
How can I help you?
This
is probably the most popular question I’ve gotten so far and I don’t have a
great answer for it because honestly, I don’t know.
Pray. Pray that I will have wisdom and discernment
to make the right choices for all the responsibilities I have in my life; pray
that I will not be overwhelmed all the time; pray against a spirit of anxiety-
I war against it on a constant basis; pray that when I feel weak, I will not
let the enemy come in a whisper lies to me, and when I fail and he does, I
believe the exact opposite (he’s a liar, so the opposite is the truth). Pray that the obstacles in my family will be
worked out and that more and more stress will be taken off of me.
I
will tell you how you can help me once I actually have surgery though- my moms
(Debbie and Sadie Ann) will need rides to the hospital, wherever that might be,
possibly every other day or so. I might
very well be in Dallas or Plano, or who knows, but that would take a HUGE load
off my mind while I’m in the hospital.
It probably wouldn’t hurt to have a few meals brought for them while
they’re with me in the hospital because we all know that hospital food blows.
I
have a really good friend, Alicia that will be coordinating meals and probably
visitation for when I’m home.
That’s
plenty for now, thanks for hanging out with me and hearing my heart. I still have lots more to share and will do
my best to keep everyone updated as I know things.
Thank
you for loving me, from the very bottom of my heart. I have the best people; seriously, no one has
better people than I do.
Be
blessed, y’all!
Pamela
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.
Psalm 18:16 (NIV)
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