I Don't Trust God as Much as I Thought I Did...

“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.”

Isaiah 49:16 (NIV)

Have you ever read a verse and thought to yourself: “Part of that applies to me, the other, not so much”.

Yeah, me either.  Except for this one.  Mainly, because I wasn’t wrapping my brain around the wall part, but something in my spirit pricked every time I read it.

Anyone that knows me at all, will tell you that I’m an independent-get-it-done-yourself kind of woman.  The women in my family are just known for their “I can do it myself” attitude.  We’re strong, self-reliant, and hard working- and proud.  Boy, are we ever proud.  We never show weakness and we most certainly do not ask for help.  Needing help is a shameful thing.  Showing weakness is a shameful thing.  Owning your mistakes, that’s right, it’s a shameful thing.

The fact that I can be transparent at all, is a freaking miracle.

I was brought up with the mentality that you should never, ever depend on someone else to do anything for you.  You should never depend on anyone to take care of you, because they will fail you every time.  Countless times have I heard the advice from my mother, ‘Pamela, you can’t depend on any man to take care of you because as soon as you do, he’ll leave and you’ll not be able to take care of yourself.  You just can’t depend on them.”

Add that on top of a tumultuous childhood of instability, an adolescence of verbal and emotional abuse from someone who was supposed to take care of me, and marrying a man who was just not capable of taking care of anyone but himself and here we are.

So let’s get back to these walls…

“Your walls are ever before me.”

To be quite honest with you, I didn’t even realize that I even had walls before the Lord.  I didn’t even realize that there was any part of my heart that I didn’t leave open to the Lord.  Turns out, that’s a lie.

There are wounded parts of my heart that I’ve made off limits to not only God, but to myself.  I locked them away and forgot about them.

However, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times at least- sooner or later, every truth comes to light.  There is nothing hidden in the dark that doesn’t eventually make it’s way into the light.

It did for this weekend, and this weekend was hard.  I am in the process of learning how to become financially stable- I’ve struggled all my life with not having enough – not having enough money, attention, love, affection, sex, nice things, whatever it may be, just not enough.  I’ve tried every which way I could to have ‘enough’.  I’ve spent money on worthless things to try and feel like I had enough junk in my home; I’ve stayed in unhealthy relationships for far too long so that I could have ‘enough’ affection and love; I’ve had more friends with benefits than I care to admit out loud to try and make myself feel like ‘enough’.  Here’s some revelation- until I let God heal those deep, dark, wounded parts of my heart, there will never be ‘enough’ of anything because I’m attempting to fill a bottomless void.

SO as I come to this gut-wrenching revelation at the help of a good friend who’s trying to help me get my finances in order- I recognized that I there are things that I need to forgive God for.

I needed to forgive God for not giving me parents that were able to provide for me when I really needed it.

I needed to forgive God for not protecting me in all the ways I felt like He should have.

I needed to forgive God for taking things and opportunities away from me that I thought I deserved and I needed.

I needed to forgive God for withholding from me all the promises He’d given me- a husband, a family for instance.  The truth is though- if the man that God created for me, the one He’s promised me, walked into my life right now, I wouldn’t trust him.  I’d always be waiting for him to let me down, to hurt me.

I needed to forgive myself for not trusting God to be my provider; for so arrogant and thinking that I could take care of everything on my own when that hasn't worked for me thus far.

Then, I had to let the Father come in and heal those deep, dark, hidden wounds of my heart.  That’s still a work in progress.

I believed the lie that God couldn’t be my provider for every area of my life and in doing that, denying that God can’t be God all the time, I’d robbed myself of so many great opportunities for God to show off in my life.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve said that I wanted God’s best, that I wouldn’t settle for anything mediocre or sub-par from God- I want everything that He has for me.  In order to receive that, I have to let Him be God.  I have to let Him be my everything and I have to trust Him to be that provider.

I have to stop being self-reliant.  I have to accept that in reality, I have no control, I have no say in how things go in my world.  I have to lay down my own will to have things my way.  I have to trust that whatever God wants to give me is His best, not mine because let’s be honest here, my best is filthy rags compared to His best.

I’m still processing and I’m still being submissive and several moments throughout the day, I have to stop myself from trying to figure it all out and trust that He’s at work and it’s for my good.  I’m a logical person so it’s hard for me to trust an illogical God. 

I have to trust Him.  In all things, in everything, in every minute detail of my life and of my heart, I have to trust Him.

Like I said, I’m still letting God reveal the hidden parts of my heart- the parts that are still tucked away behind those walls- the ones I thought were hidden from Him, but He states it so clearly- my walls are ever before Him.  He never stops thinking about them, He’s just waiting for me to give Him the permission to bring them down.

I don’t just want them to come down, I don’t just want Him to crush them, or tear them down, I want Him to obliterate them.  As painful as those wounds are, and as painful as I think it will be to let Him heal them, I don’t want any part of my heart guarded from Him.

The other great part of that verse, my name is engraved in the palm of His hand- because He loves me that much.

He is my healer, and He is my provider, and He is a good, good God- there is no one or no thing that has the capacity to love me the way He does.

I want my heart to be laid open before Him, because it is all that I have and I love Him so much that I want Him to be the God of my life, to be the King of my heart.

Besides, it’s not like anything or any part of me is hidden from Him anyway.  He sees the darkest and dirtiest parts of me and loves and delights in me anyway.

How could I not trust a God like that?

I’ll leave you with this- trust Him.  Forgive Him if you need to, forgiveness is not about feeling like it, or being in a place where you think you can, it’s a command, and it’s for your own good.  How much of the goodness of God are you missing because you’re holding on to something painful?

Embrace the healing.  He is for us.

Be blessed.

~Pamela

Christmas In Yankeeland...

“Joyful are those who obey his laws and

 search for him with all their heart.”

~Psalm 119:2~

Lots of big changes in the Hill household since I last posted.

First off, I got not one, but two new jobs!  Before, I was working in St. Paul which is about 40 miles (one way) in white-knuckling traffic to a job that was less than desirable for my personality type.  Now, I get to work way closer to home at jobs that are perfect for my personality type and skill set.

I am currently working 2 part-time jobs.  During the day, I work for the City of River Falls as the Assistant to the Director of EMS (Emergency Medical Services) and in the evenings/weekends, I work at The Home Depot.  Truthfully, I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about HD, but as it turns out, I love it.  By far, one of the funnest jobs I’ve had- the people are great to work with and definitely not your typical retail.

I love working for EMS – it’s so great to be back in a job that’s so involved in the community and really makes a difference in people’s lives.  I work with a really great group of folks there too.

Secondly, I am no longer dating the guy I was seeing before.  He had some family stuff come up that required his full attention and after seeking the Holy Spirit for wisdom, I decided to end things between us.  We ended on amicable terms, but for the record- I’m still available for Mr. Tall, Dark, Handsome, and Independently Wealthy.
I’m also eligible for adoption by someone who is wealthy.

Thirdly, I am beginning to make some friends.  I know my time in St. Paul was not in vain, there were people there I was destined to meet and I’m so grateful I did!

I’m starting to really see God’s favor in every area of my life.  One of my co-workers at HD mentioned to me tonight that he didn’t know of any other employee that had won the hearts of their coworkers as quickly as I have.  I’m grateful for the unmerited favor I’m walking in right now.

This has been a welcome change of scenery- I’m finally coming out of a season of just overall feeling beat-down and depressed and walking into one where I’m joyful.

I don’t really remember the last time, if ever, I was actually this joyful. 

As a single person, the holidays can be a little lonely, but this year, it’s a little extra hard.  This will be the first Christmas that I’ve ever spent really alone- I’ve never not been with my family and/or friends for the holiday.
Lisa and Charles are back in Texas to be with their families and while I have friends, I don’t have many.
Just to show that God is not surprised by this- He placed me in a job, with people who are required to work 24/7/365 (EMT’s, Paramedics, First Responders, etc) just in time for the holidays.  I’m developing a great relationship with my coworkers and now have somewhere to hang out should I get lonely.

I can finally say that I’m confident I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  I still get made fun of for my accent (that may never change) and I still can’t understand people up here half the time, but I’m doing really well.
I still love Texas with all my heart and I miss my people there, but life is getting really good here.

Obedience comes at a cost, but things worth doing are always worth the sacrifice.
I trust God- I don’t always understand His plan, but I trust it.

I know He’s doing a deep work in me- He’s healing some deep-seated wounds in my heart from my marriage and divorce, wounds from my childhood, and bringing restoration in areas of my life that I thought may never come.
He is just so good.

He is the keeper of promises and it’s so amazing to watch them come to fulfillment in my life.

Thank you to all those who love me, pray for me, and encourage me.

It takes a great deal of courage to press on when I start getting really homesick.  Some days, it’s more appealing to pack up and move back home, especially when there are so many that want me to come back.  I wish it was that easy. 

For those that encourage me to stay the course, keeping doing what God has called me to do (even when they don’t understand why I have to be so far away to do it!) – you are my life-savers.  I could not do this without your support.

I pray that God reveals a new part of Himself in a special way to you this Christmas.

Have a Merry Christmas and Be Blessed, Y’all!!

~Pamela, Chester, & Daisy Mae

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

Visit our website at www.ACreativeWord.com

7th Anniversary

“Then Job answered the LORD and said: ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.” Job 42:1-2

In scrolling through the old memories app in Facebook, I came across this gem and a different status that said, 'officially divorced'.

God has a way of taking tragedy and hopelessness and still making something so perfectly beautiful from it.

I just can't wrap my head around how He's able to take so much pain and make good come from it.

He's still writing my story and He's still making beauty from my ashes, but I am so, so grateful for His promise to bring it to fruition.

I may not always understand, but I can always trust that He will always work the bad for my good.

My Plan B is still His Plan A, no matter how much I think I've messed it up.

If you're struggling with pain today, as so many seem to do around the holidays, hold on to this truth.
Lean into His presence and let the Father comfort your heart and heal it as only He can.  He'll do it, He longs to do it, you just have to trust Him with your pain.

He's just so good at His job.

So good.

Be blessed and Happy Thanksgiving!

~Pamela~

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

www.ACreativeWord.com

Image can be found here

Back to Work!!

  Psalm 34:4-7 (NLT)

 

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.

He freed me from all my fears.

Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;

no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;

he saved me from all my troubles.

For the angel of the Lord is a guard;

he surrounds and defends all who fear him.

 



April 15th 8 days post surgery!

 

 

Wow.  I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last updated, and I apologize for that.

Where do I even begin?!

Let’s start off with the really, really, really important news: I AM HEALED!!!!!

God promised to heal me through brain surgery and He most definitely did.

I continue to shock and awe my surgeon and neurologist because of how amazing I’m doing.

I have no more headaches, definitely no more migraines and they can’t really explain it.

It’s opened amazing doors to share just how awesome my God is.

 

I’ve had multiple opportunities to share this miracle with others- including nursing staff, ICU staff, doctors, internist, and just the Average Joe at Wal-Mart.

God is so good and He is most definitely a man of His word.

 

Let’s talk about the scripture above- I go back to work on Tuesday and I’m a little anxious about it.  I had a neuro-cognitive test done about a week ago and did really well.  I’m having some minor short-term memory issues (more so than average people do) and some difficulty finding my words at times.  This is all normal and my brain will learn to‘re-route’ itself in due time.  It just may take 6 months.  Most of you know how patient I am, so you know I was ready for it to be back to ‘normal’ yesterday, well, last week.

 

I’ve been off work for the last almost 8 weeks so it’s a little intimidating to come back- full time.  If I attempted to do part time, I’d just wear myself out trying to cram an 8-hour day into 4 hours.  Also, I’ve been gone, stuff has happened that I haven’t been a part of and I’m sure that a little feeling of being ‘left out’ of the loop will happen.  I think I’m also nervous that I’ll get really tired, really fast and just not be able to keep up.  I also have this nightmare that my desk is covered with paper and the phone won’t stop ringing and I’m completely overwhelmed and have a meltdown at work.  Yeah, had that dream twice now.  Super fun.

I know that I work with the best people and I have a lot of support and understanding and I so appreciate that.

Truthfully, I don’t want to be babied or treated differently than I was before.

I will say this- it will be awesome to get through a workday with no pain!

 

I really can’t express how much I LOVE not being in the pain I was in before.  I get tension headaches from time to time because I haven’t quite gotten totally comfortable sleeping yet and I keep pinching a nerve in my neck- doc says that will eventually work itself out too and that it’s to be expected.

 

There are no words for how much better I feel, just all the time.  I get tired, but I’m not sick anymore and it’s amazing.  I don’t keep emergency meds on me anymore, I don’t take any kind of pain medicine anymore (except for the tension headaches occasionally) and I just overall feel better.

 

People keep telling me that I look different- not just the hair, but that my face just looks different.  I look relieved and relaxed, not like I’m masking how bad I really feel.  I say it’s because I got half a face-lift.  Seriously, when they stitched up the left side of my head, it felt like my braid was entirely too tight for about 3 weeks.  I can actually see a slight difference in the beginnings of crow’s feet around my eyes.  It’s less noticeable on the left side. Lol

 

During this time that I’ve had off, I’ve rested.  I’ve rested my body, my soul, and my mind.  It’s been great, but I’m so ready to get back into a regular routine with my job (I’ve really missed my job) and people.  I’ve spent time with my family, my dogs, and worked on my home some when I had the energy.  I’ve spent time with myself and a lot of time with God.  It’s been amazing.

I knew that this surgery would change a lot of things about my life, but I don’t think that I fully grasped what it would do for me until I began to heal.  I’ve watched God intervene and do incredible things in my world- even still.

I’ll save that for another blog post, but I wanted to update everyone.

 

To everyone that came by, sent cards, texted, brought meals, and just visited me- I’m overwhelmed with the amount of love that’s been poured out on me.  I wish I could give it back 1,000 fold because y’all surely deserve it.  I am so grateful to the people that God has placed in my life.  Know that you have been noticed and I’m thankful to have you part of my world.

 

Once I get back in the swing of things at work, I’ll start posting again on a more regular basis and let you in on some incredible things God is doing in my life.

 



May 23rd, 2014

There is no end to His good.  There’s just not.

 

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela

 

 

 

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

Please visit our website at www.ACreativeWord.com

 

Visit us on FaceBook at: https://www.facebook.com/#!/JennaLangHelpForRealLife

The Time Has Come!

John 14:27 (NLT)

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

John 16:33 (NLT)

^“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

There’s something powerful about the unquestionable peace that comes with knowing you are exactly where God wants you to be.

Well folks, we have a plan and a surgery date.

I will be having surgery on April 7^th at 7:30am at a hospital in Addison.

They will at the very least, place a titanium plate in my head (or use surgical cement if possible) to protect the area of my fracture.  My brain actually bulge’s from this fractured area and if they can safely separate my brain from my skull and repair that, they will do that, and then put the plate in.

This in no way guarantees that I will stop having migraines according to my surgeon, but I have always believed that God was going to heal me through this surgery.

I stand firm on that promise now.

This will most definitely take some pressure off of my brain which will in effect, hopefully stop trigging migraines. 

I believe that it will.

Some questions I’ve been asked over the last couple of days:

·        Will you have to shave your head?  Part of it, yes, the left side- mostly.  I am having a small head shaving party with some of my close friends- might as well have some fun with it!  There will be plenty of pictures (because my ‘friends’ won’t be able to resist, I’m sure!) and be looking for me to do something funky with my hair. J

·        How long will you be in the hospital?  That really depends on exactly what they’re able to do while they’re in there.  If they’re able to safely repair my brain (insert snicker here) I’ll be in the hospital for about 4 days, a couple in ICU.  If they’re not and they’re only able to put a plate in, I should be in ICU the first night and then a regular room and then home the next day!  Amazing!  I’m not accounting for any mishaps because there won’t be any.

·        How long will you be ‘down’? That’s going to be a little tricky.  It will most definitely depend on how detailed the surgery is and what they’re able to do.  Most definitely not full activity for 6 weeks once I come home; 2-3 weeks before I can return to work, light duty.  It will really depend on how I feel and well I’m doing.  I’m going to recover really well so I look forward to being back at work soon.

·        Will you need round the clock care?  When I get home, I will have someone with me the first week pretty much all the time (for someone as independent as I am, this will be fun, I’m sure!) just to help me out.  After that, for the next 2 weeks (or whenever I go back to work) I can have some time by myself.  Because I will be so tired from the surgery, I will need help with meals and general house cleaning, and it would be nice to have some company to just visit.

·        How can I help?  I am so humbled by this question to be honest.  I’ve never had a major surgery like this where I wasn’t able to take care of myself within a day or two so this part is a little overwhelming.  Fortunately, I have amazing friends that have just taken care of this for me. There are two websites that have been set up for me.  One for meals, the other for visitors (those who also want to help me keep my house clean, do laundry, dishes, etc. when I can’t do those things myself).

You can go online and sign up for whatever area you want to help me with.  It’s all appreciated.

Here’s the meal calendar:

http://www.takethemameal.com/meals.php?t=KRAQ9651

 Other needs calendar:

https://www.carecalendar.org/v2/calendar.php

Calendar ID: 177894C

Security Code: 1577

Click on ‘Show Calendar’ and choose what need you would like to fill.

 

As with any recovery, I’m sure that I will have great days and some not-so-good days, that’s only natural, so I’m asking that you please shoot me a text before you come over with meals or for anything else.  It would be easier on me and my caretakers if we didn’t have any ‘surprise’ visitors without some notification first.

I have an amazing friend, Alicia Hill (no relation) that is helping me with all of this.  She is actually going to act as my primary contact for my recovery.  If you have general questions about what I need or just want to know how I’m doing that day, she’s the person to contact.

Please email her at: AMHDANZ4JC@aol.com

One last question:

·        How are you doing?  I’m okay, at best some days.  I’m in a great deal of pain all of the time and because I can’t take anything before surgery, I’m struggling.  My neurologist is calling in something for pain for in the meantime but I won’t be able to take it during the day.  In this aspect, I’m grateful the surgery is just a few days away.  Sometimes the pain is just overwhelming so please pray that I will have relief as I wait.  Otherwise, I’m more than ready to do this and get better!

I am so pleasantly overwhelmed with the amount of people that want to help me through this.  Your help is welcomed and so appreciated.  Your prayers for a painless and quick recovery are most coveted.

I am so grateful for the tremendous peace that I’m experiencing.  I may be feeling a little overwhelmed with all the things that I think need to be done before I have surgery, but really, I have no anxiety.  I’m a planner at heart so my head is reeling with trying to get everything done so quickly.  I am also realistic in knowing that what gets done will be done and what doesn’t, well, it won’t stop the world from turning.

 

I look forward to watching the Father really show off during this time and I will do my best to keep you all updated on how I’m doing as I recover.

I know that God is going to really reveal Himself in new and powerful ways throughout this process, He’s already made it abundantly clear that He has this, He’s gone before me and prepared the way.

  

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela

Pamela can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

Please visit our website at www.ACreativeWord.com

Want to catch up on what’s going on with my head?  Here are the links to previous blog posts!  Thank you for reading!

I Like Big Brains & I Cannot Lie, Part I
I Like Big Brains & I Cannot Lie Part II
Here's the Latest on my Crack-ed Head
I'm Buckin' Up
 

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela