I Don't Trust God as Much as I Thought I Did...

“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.”

Isaiah 49:16 (NIV)

Have you ever read a verse and thought to yourself: “Part of that applies to me, the other, not so much”.

Yeah, me either.  Except for this one.  Mainly, because I wasn’t wrapping my brain around the wall part, but something in my spirit pricked every time I read it.

Anyone that knows me at all, will tell you that I’m an independent-get-it-done-yourself kind of woman.  The women in my family are just known for their “I can do it myself” attitude.  We’re strong, self-reliant, and hard working- and proud.  Boy, are we ever proud.  We never show weakness and we most certainly do not ask for help.  Needing help is a shameful thing.  Showing weakness is a shameful thing.  Owning your mistakes, that’s right, it’s a shameful thing.

The fact that I can be transparent at all, is a freaking miracle.

I was brought up with the mentality that you should never, ever depend on someone else to do anything for you.  You should never depend on anyone to take care of you, because they will fail you every time.  Countless times have I heard the advice from my mother, ‘Pamela, you can’t depend on any man to take care of you because as soon as you do, he’ll leave and you’ll not be able to take care of yourself.  You just can’t depend on them.”

Add that on top of a tumultuous childhood of instability, an adolescence of verbal and emotional abuse from someone who was supposed to take care of me, and marrying a man who was just not capable of taking care of anyone but himself and here we are.

So let’s get back to these walls…

“Your walls are ever before me.”

To be quite honest with you, I didn’t even realize that I even had walls before the Lord.  I didn’t even realize that there was any part of my heart that I didn’t leave open to the Lord.  Turns out, that’s a lie.

There are wounded parts of my heart that I’ve made off limits to not only God, but to myself.  I locked them away and forgot about them.

However, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times at least- sooner or later, every truth comes to light.  There is nothing hidden in the dark that doesn’t eventually make it’s way into the light.

It did for this weekend, and this weekend was hard.  I am in the process of learning how to become financially stable- I’ve struggled all my life with not having enough – not having enough money, attention, love, affection, sex, nice things, whatever it may be, just not enough.  I’ve tried every which way I could to have ‘enough’.  I’ve spent money on worthless things to try and feel like I had enough junk in my home; I’ve stayed in unhealthy relationships for far too long so that I could have ‘enough’ affection and love; I’ve had more friends with benefits than I care to admit out loud to try and make myself feel like ‘enough’.  Here’s some revelation- until I let God heal those deep, dark, wounded parts of my heart, there will never be ‘enough’ of anything because I’m attempting to fill a bottomless void.

SO as I come to this gut-wrenching revelation at the help of a good friend who’s trying to help me get my finances in order- I recognized that I there are things that I need to forgive God for.

I needed to forgive God for not giving me parents that were able to provide for me when I really needed it.

I needed to forgive God for not protecting me in all the ways I felt like He should have.

I needed to forgive God for taking things and opportunities away from me that I thought I deserved and I needed.

I needed to forgive God for withholding from me all the promises He’d given me- a husband, a family for instance.  The truth is though- if the man that God created for me, the one He’s promised me, walked into my life right now, I wouldn’t trust him.  I’d always be waiting for him to let me down, to hurt me.

I needed to forgive myself for not trusting God to be my provider; for so arrogant and thinking that I could take care of everything on my own when that hasn't worked for me thus far.

Then, I had to let the Father come in and heal those deep, dark, hidden wounds of my heart.  That’s still a work in progress.

I believed the lie that God couldn’t be my provider for every area of my life and in doing that, denying that God can’t be God all the time, I’d robbed myself of so many great opportunities for God to show off in my life.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve said that I wanted God’s best, that I wouldn’t settle for anything mediocre or sub-par from God- I want everything that He has for me.  In order to receive that, I have to let Him be God.  I have to let Him be my everything and I have to trust Him to be that provider.

I have to stop being self-reliant.  I have to accept that in reality, I have no control, I have no say in how things go in my world.  I have to lay down my own will to have things my way.  I have to trust that whatever God wants to give me is His best, not mine because let’s be honest here, my best is filthy rags compared to His best.

I’m still processing and I’m still being submissive and several moments throughout the day, I have to stop myself from trying to figure it all out and trust that He’s at work and it’s for my good.  I’m a logical person so it’s hard for me to trust an illogical God. 

I have to trust Him.  In all things, in everything, in every minute detail of my life and of my heart, I have to trust Him.

Like I said, I’m still letting God reveal the hidden parts of my heart- the parts that are still tucked away behind those walls- the ones I thought were hidden from Him, but He states it so clearly- my walls are ever before Him.  He never stops thinking about them, He’s just waiting for me to give Him the permission to bring them down.

I don’t just want them to come down, I don’t just want Him to crush them, or tear them down, I want Him to obliterate them.  As painful as those wounds are, and as painful as I think it will be to let Him heal them, I don’t want any part of my heart guarded from Him.

The other great part of that verse, my name is engraved in the palm of His hand- because He loves me that much.

He is my healer, and He is my provider, and He is a good, good God- there is no one or no thing that has the capacity to love me the way He does.

I want my heart to be laid open before Him, because it is all that I have and I love Him so much that I want Him to be the God of my life, to be the King of my heart.

Besides, it’s not like anything or any part of me is hidden from Him anyway.  He sees the darkest and dirtiest parts of me and loves and delights in me anyway.

How could I not trust a God like that?

I’ll leave you with this- trust Him.  Forgive Him if you need to, forgiveness is not about feeling like it, or being in a place where you think you can, it’s a command, and it’s for your own good.  How much of the goodness of God are you missing because you’re holding on to something painful?

Embrace the healing.  He is for us.

Be blessed.

~Pamela

7th Anniversary

“Then Job answered the LORD and said: ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.” Job 42:1-2

In scrolling through the old memories app in Facebook, I came across this gem and a different status that said, 'officially divorced'.

God has a way of taking tragedy and hopelessness and still making something so perfectly beautiful from it.

I just can't wrap my head around how He's able to take so much pain and make good come from it.

He's still writing my story and He's still making beauty from my ashes, but I am so, so grateful for His promise to bring it to fruition.

I may not always understand, but I can always trust that He will always work the bad for my good.

My Plan B is still His Plan A, no matter how much I think I've messed it up.

If you're struggling with pain today, as so many seem to do around the holidays, hold on to this truth.
Lean into His presence and let the Father comfort your heart and heal it as only He can.  He'll do it, He longs to do it, you just have to trust Him with your pain.

He's just so good at His job.

So good.

Be blessed and Happy Thanksgiving!

~Pamela~

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

www.ACreativeWord.com

Image can be found here

Purging...

Purging…

Wow.

It’s getting more and more real with each passing day.  I’ve reached the stage in my move where I have to actually start doing stuff.  I’m cleaning out closets, the garage, rooms, and I’m wondering, ‘how in the world did I accumulate so much JUNK?!’

I mean, seriously- this is just sad.  No ONE person needs this much crap.

Today, I’ve actually started packing.  Well, if I’m being totally honest, I’M not packing, my mom offered her help so she’s doing it while I’m at work.

I’m starting to disconnect services, I’ve turned in my resignation at work, and I’m starting to let doctors’ offices, etc. know my forwarding address.

Meanwhile, I’ve started cleaning out the garage- which up until now, has been full of what I affectionately refer to as, mystery boxes.  You know the boxes that you never unpack, you just keep moving them from place to place?  Yeah, I have about 8 of them.

In the process of purging, I’ve come across a plethora of stuff from my marriage.  I’ve been divorced almost as long as I was married.  This means that there are tons of financial documents that are over 10 years old that need to be shredded.

As you might imagine, this has stirred up some emotions.  It has also brought to mind, areas where I still need to exercise forgiveness and finally let go of some grief.  I’ve run across countless pictures and cards, and just sentimental mementos from my past.  I even ran across a box of the silk flowers used in my wedding.
I won’t even try to pretend like that wasn’t hard to come across.
I spent the better part of that afternoon sobbing in the garage as I once again, mourned over the death of my marriage.

Seven years.  You’d think in all that time, all of that pain, the grief, and the heart wounds would be all healed.  They obviously weren't.

One of the greatest lies in the history of mankind:

TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS.

Huge lie.  In fact, if you think about it, time causes wounds to become infected and fester and can even lead to death if they are not treated properly enough to heal.

Time does not in fact, heal anything.  God is the ONLY One who can heal your heart wounds. 

Ever meet those people who have been divorced for decades and still talk about their ex like it just happened yesterday?  What about those who lost a loved one 40 years ago and still talk about them like they just saw them yesterday?
Yeah, they’re not healed.  Time won’t fix that, but God can.

We must let Him.

So, on that Sunday afternoon, I stood in my garage, and sobbed over the remnants of my broken marriage, the loss of my children, and the destruction that was born from our divorce.  I made a pile out of the papers that needed to be shredded and started sending out texts to different crafty people to see if anyone could use my flowers.

I also sent out a couple of texts to my people telling them I needed some healing for my broken heart.

Then, I brought my brokenness to the Lord.  I sobbed, I snotted, and I asked for answers.

“Why did my marriage have to be the one that failed?”
“Why did our dreams have to fall to dust?”
“Why is he allowed to move on and find love and make another marriage work, while it feels like he put no effort into ours?”
“Why does HE get to be happy with a companion and I’m here all alone?”

I would love to say that God answered all my questions with the perfect answers that put my heart at ease, but that’s not what happened.
Instead, He let sob, He let me ask, and He let me pour my heart out for as long as I needed to.

Then He showed me something – I had believed a lie.
I believed that my marriage to John was my only shot at having a good life with someone.

I had to realize that the truth is, God has someone out there who was made just for me.  He was going to take the pain and destruction and make it into something beautiful that glorified Him.
I had to let God heal my heart.
I have to trust in His promises to me.

It has been so evident that He is closing the door to this chapter in my life and opening a whole room of possibility for me in Wisconsin.

I honestly don’t know what will happen there – I don’t know who I will meet there – and I most certainly do not know what God’s plan is.  I do know that it is good and it is HIS best for me.

I go through a roller-coaster of emotions on a daily basis right now because this is all so overwhelming; but the one that is becoming more and more evident- EXCITEMENT!! I cannot wait to really start this adventure!

My last day at work is the 24^th and I leave town on the 30^th.  I’ll be breaking the trip up into 2 days because it’s just too far to make in one day pulling a trailer.

I will be posting to my blog much more regularly and keeping all my people updated that way.
Yes, I will be keeping The Facebook and my phone number for those that have it.  For those that buy from me, I will still be doing Scentsy- it will just be shipped to your house now instead of mine.

Your prayers and encouragement are more appreciated that you’ll ever know.  I have been overwhelmed by the amount of love that has been shown to me over the last couple of weeks.  I will always be a Texas girl (I will NOT be a Cheese-head) and I am actually looking forward to experiencing a Wisconsin winter (seriously, have you seen me sweat? It’s not pretty and definitely not sexy).

I seriously have the BEST people in the world and I am excited to be expanding my territory because I KNOW that Wisconsin needs more TEXAS goodness.  I mean, after all, God blessed Texas.

Be blessed y’all!
Pamela

I can be reached at:

Email: BeautifulChaos2010@hotmail.com

Website:www.ACreativeWord.com

The Monster I Thought I Couldn't Forgive...

This is probably the most raw, ugly, transparent post I've ever written and I'm only posting it because I'm being obedient to what the Holy Spirit wants me to do.

Quick Note: Tres Dias is an amazing ministry that I'm involved in that helps you grow in your intimacy and realize your identity in the Lord.  I am passionate about this ministry and encourage all believers to go through it, it will only enhance your walk with the Lord.

Quick Update on my brain: I'm HEALED!  No more headaches and I fully intend to post an update on my head very soon!  :)  God is so good and most definitely has healed my body!
Thank you to all who have prayed, brought meals, and visited with me.  I have more love for you than you'll ever know.  I'm convinced that no has people as amazing as I do. :)

Now, prepare yourself...

The Unforgivable Ted Bundy**

Ugh, just typing his name makes me want to vomit.

He is nothing short of nightmare from my past that I have pushed as far from my mind as I am humanly capable of doing.

Currently, he is preparing to go through Tres Dias.  MY Tres Dias.  Mine.  A place that I never, ever imagine he would even know about.

I, am currently throwing a temper tantrum with my Father over this.  I hate this person.  Hate isn’t even a strong enough word for what I feel about him.  This is a person who has brought so much fear and torment into not just my life but into my marriage and every relationship since him.

Imagine having your worst nightmare show up in the safest place you’ve ever been, not just showing up but being welcomed with open arms and loved on by people that love you.

All I want to do is scream ‘NO! He’s a monster!  He’s a predator of the worst kind!  KILL HIM!’ but I can’t.

Hence, the temper tantrum.

An argument with God where I’m screaming, NO! Please don’t make me forgive him!   He deserves to rot in hell.

I have never been in this place with God before.  I have never begged God to let me hate someone so much in my whole life and it’s overwhelming.  This is by far the ugliest I have ever been in His presence and by far the most broken and wounded.

Surely He won’t ask me to forgive someone who has brought so much destruction to my life.

This ‘man’ beat me and probably raped me (I was unconscious) and left me for dead just for breaking up with him because he was abusive.

He attacked me at my most vulnerable and was beyond cruel to me.  Why do I have to forgive him????  Why?!

I have never wanted to hold on to hate so badly in my whole life.  I know for a fact that he is still victimizing women in the same way – I know one, personally, she’s a friend of mine.  Why??????

He doesn’t deserve God, he exploits God, He doesn’t deserve to know God’s heart for Him.

I didn’t either though.  Right now, I don’t want to think about that, I don’t want to think about the awful hurtful things I did before God rescued me, I don’t want to think about how much I didn’t deserve God’s heart for me and how much those that beat my Jesus and crucified my Jesus didn’t deserve it, but He gives it freely anyway.

As I sit here and scream at God (I’m sure my neighbors think I’m being murdered), in between sobs, I can hear that gentle voice say I love you.  Trust Me.

Unfortunately, forgiveness is not a feeling.  It’s an obedience thing.  I don’t have really too much of a choice here.  I want the fullness of God and complete freedom, and I won’t be able to have that without forgiving Ted Bundy.

What do I want more?  To hate Ted Bundy and live in bondage or do I want to trust the God who rescued me, healed me completely through brain surgery, and who has NEVER failed me and experience true freedom?

I asked for this.  I really did.  I asked to trust without borders.  I asked over and over again for God to take me deeper than my feet would never wander on their own.  I told God that I wanted to never be in a place where I didn’t trust Him. 

See, when we sing the ever popular song, ‘Oceans’, we are actually declaring something over ourselves.  We are speaking that into our lives.

Here I am. 

I am here for such a time as this and it’s miserable.

I promised that in the absolute worst pain and destruction and chaos that I would continually turn my face to Him and praise Him, even in sacrifice.

How many times must God prove Himself to me, that I can whole-heartedly trust Him with everything in my world and in the darkest parts of my heart?  How many times???  Until I do.

I’m getting ready to speak at a women’s conference about faith and spending time with God.  How am I ever going to be able to do that if it’s not something that I’m willing to practice with the darkest part of my heart?  How am I ever going to look someone in the eyes and tell them that they can recklessly trust God with the most tender and terrifying of wounds if I’m not willing to let Him heal mine?

I can’t.  I just can’t. 

So I must let Him in.  I must let Him into the most broken pieces of my heart, the ugliest parts of my wounds and let Him heal me in that incredible way that only He can.

I don’t want to.  But I have to if I want the freedom that God has for me.  I’ve done enough sozo’s with myself and with others to know that my Father is gentle, the enemy would have us believe that it’s going to be too excruciating to endure and that we won’t be healed, but I can hear my own words coming out.  That’s not the God that I serve.  I serve an all-powerful God who is a compassionate Father, who would never hurt His children in order to heal them. Hurt does not come from God, it comes from the enemy.

I know His healing is safe and so worth it.  I just have to give Him permission to do it.

So I will.

The enemy will not win.  He will not keep me in bondage.

I will let my Father heal me, and I will stay in His presence as long as it takes, because I want all of Him, I want His absolute best and I will not settle for anything less.

I will not give the enemy permission to keep me in bondage. I give my Daddy permission to rescue me once again and to fight this battle for me.

I’ll just be still in His presence and let Him do what He does best.  I’ll let Him be God.

Yes, I was placed here for such a time as this.

I pray you’re encouraged and blessed and pushed even further to trust the Father with those deepest hurts and that you seek only HIS face and you reject the lies of the enemy.

Thank you for allowing me to be so transparent and so raw.

Be blessed.

Pamela

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com.

**His name has been changed for the protection of his victims.

This was my devotional after my temper tantrum...

 

Forgiveness - Ugh, Do I Have To?!

Ephesians 4:32 (NLT)

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

*Insert whiny voice here*

Forgiveness is not my favorite topic of discussion.  It is unpopular, it’s not fun, and it is usually painful. 

It’s also one that reminds me of where I am sure to fall short.  That being said, it's on my heart today.

Over my lifetime, I’ve had many unpleasant things happen to me, many people have hurt me, wounded me, and done things to me that most would agree are unreasonable to forgive.

There was a time in my walk with the Lord that I tried to rationalize with Him about forgiveness (haha, yeah, I’m going to ‘reason’ with the Creator of the Universe, right).  I’d say things like: “Well, Father, I’ve already forgiven these people that hurt me this way, so because I forgave them for such a big thing, I should be given a free pass on this one who just hurt me a little bit.”

Uh, God doesn’t work that way. 

Harboring unforgiveness is like holding onto a hot curling iron and not letting go.

Eventually, it will destroy that thing that holds it.

You can tell yourself all you want that it’s not as hot as it seems and it’s not as painful as it looks, but the truth is it’s destroying the tissues in your hand.  Once you’ve initially grabbed hold of that curling iron, whether intentionally or not, it’s surprisingly hot and it’s likely to leave a blister that may go away on its own. 

However, the longer you hold onto the hot iron, the deeper the burn will go and the more likely it is to leave a permanent scar.

Every time you look down, you’ll see that scar and be reminded of that particular wound.

It’s the same way when people wound us.  Usually, at first, we’re surprised that they hurt us and it may only take us a short time to realize that we must let go of that hurt and forgive them.  It will probably leave a small (if at all) trace of what happened.

On the other hand, if we choose to hold onto that hurt, the deeper the damage to our hearts, and sometimes our souls.  This leaves a permanent abrasion so that every time we face that abrasion, we remember those who wounded us and the hurt spreads like a infection, ultimately destroying us.

Unforgiveness does nothing but create additional pain, resentment, bitterness, and is the stealer of our joy, thus sapping our strength and health (Nehemiah 8:10).

Maybe you’re the person that needs forgiveness.  We’ve all been there, and as long we’re living and breathing on this earth, we’ll always be in a position where we’ll need forgiveness from others.

There have been things in my life that I’ve had to forgive myself of: adultery, not being good example of what a Godly woman is to my daughters, being deceitful, being prideful and entitled, and being malicious and spiteful when it suited me.

Sometimes the person that is the hardest to forgive is yourself. 

I heard someone remark today that they were going to seek peace about an individual that wronged them by going to church every Sunday. 

While going to church is a good, healthy way to enhance your Christian walk, it will not bring you lasting peace.

We live in a world that is craving true and saturating peace; a peace that this world cannot give them.  They are yearning for something that will heal those permanent wounds in their lives and are crying out.

Instead of just pointing people to ‘church’, we should be pointing them to Jesus.

I advised this acquaintance of mine that church is good, but if she wants real peace (& the ability to forgive this person), she’s only going to find that in an intimate relationship with the Father and quality time spent in His presence.

Asking for and giving out forgiveness is not something to be taken lightly.  God certainly doesn’t and He expects us to make it the top priority in our lives. 

Mark 11:25 (NLT)

 “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”

Matthew 6:15 (NLT)

“But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

As a Christian, we not simply asked to forgive, we’re commanded to do it, Peter asked Jesus how many times he had to forgive his neighbor, and Jesus’ reply was seventy-times-seven. (Matthew 18: 21-22)

Okay, that’s math I won’t do and I’m too lazy to keep track, so I’m just going to go with, I’m supposed to forgive them every time they wrong me.

Does that mean that I have to continue to have them in my life if they’re causing severe damage?  Does that mean that I have to continue having a relationship with them? 

If the Lord has released you to kick them to the curb, do it, but with Godly love.

I know that forgiveness is hard, and I know that there are most certainly things and people in our lives that we, in our own strength, simply cannot forgive.

That’s where our Father comes in.  It is with His strength and His ability that we’re able to do that.  It is only with His love that comes permanent healing and forgiveness is what paves the way to that permanent healing we're so desperate for.

We cannot be healed if we do not forgive.

Proverbs 17:9 (NLT)

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven,
but dwelling on it separates close friends.

Forgiveness and restoration go hand in hand, you cannot have one without the other. 

Unforgiveness creates a separation between you and someone else and prohibits true relationship.  No matter how miniscule the offense may be, for a time, there is separation and your love may become conditional.  Exercising true forgiveness creates restoration between you and the offending party and opens the door for unconditional love.

When you break a bone, it is said that when it heals, the bone is stronger that it was before it was broken.

I know that my God is more than capable of doing just that in relationships between His people.  I’ve seen it work in my own life.

Most importantly, forgiveness is not a feeling- it's not something we do when we 'feel that we are ready'; it's a commandment from God.  It's an act of sacrificial obedience.  We have to give up something - more often than not, control and stubbornness, in order to fulfill our obligation to God.

Is there someone in your life that you deem as unforgivable because of the hurt that they’ve caused you?  Maybe you feel that they are unworthy of your forgiveness? 
Despite the circumstances, when we sincerely forgive others who have wounded us, we are reinstated to freedom from that particular wound. We are no longer in agreement with what that hurt tells us to feel or how to act, we are able to choose our actions and not be ruled by that hurt any longer.  No matter what transpired or how deep that hurt goes, God promises to use it for our good.  He says that He uses everything, all things; not ‘some’ things, but all things for our good.

Romans 8:28 (NLT)

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

God’s a pretty smart guy like that, He knows what’s best for us and that harboring hurt and unforgiveness does nothing but poison us.  He says that He’s come so that we may have life and more abundantly- He wants us to be free and healthy, therefore, we must forgive those who hurt us.

I know that I fall short in this area but I am confident that I am a work in progress.

Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

 Let me encourage you today that if there is someone who you need to forgive, but you just can’t seem to do it in your strength, take refuge in the knowledge that you were never meant to do that on your own.  You have the power through your spoken word to exercise forgiveness through your Father.
Ask Him for help- ask Him to give you what you need in order to forgive.

He’s just waiting for you to cry out and ask for help. 

He’s anxiously waiting to hear from you. 

You are important to Him.

This is Matthew Wests' song and testimony about "Forgiveness" and can be found here.  It really blessed me.