I Don't Trust God as Much as I Thought I Did...

“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.”

Isaiah 49:16 (NIV)

Have you ever read a verse and thought to yourself: “Part of that applies to me, the other, not so much”.

Yeah, me either.  Except for this one.  Mainly, because I wasn’t wrapping my brain around the wall part, but something in my spirit pricked every time I read it.

Anyone that knows me at all, will tell you that I’m an independent-get-it-done-yourself kind of woman.  The women in my family are just known for their “I can do it myself” attitude.  We’re strong, self-reliant, and hard working- and proud.  Boy, are we ever proud.  We never show weakness and we most certainly do not ask for help.  Needing help is a shameful thing.  Showing weakness is a shameful thing.  Owning your mistakes, that’s right, it’s a shameful thing.

The fact that I can be transparent at all, is a freaking miracle.

I was brought up with the mentality that you should never, ever depend on someone else to do anything for you.  You should never depend on anyone to take care of you, because they will fail you every time.  Countless times have I heard the advice from my mother, ‘Pamela, you can’t depend on any man to take care of you because as soon as you do, he’ll leave and you’ll not be able to take care of yourself.  You just can’t depend on them.”

Add that on top of a tumultuous childhood of instability, an adolescence of verbal and emotional abuse from someone who was supposed to take care of me, and marrying a man who was just not capable of taking care of anyone but himself and here we are.

So let’s get back to these walls…

“Your walls are ever before me.”

To be quite honest with you, I didn’t even realize that I even had walls before the Lord.  I didn’t even realize that there was any part of my heart that I didn’t leave open to the Lord.  Turns out, that’s a lie.

There are wounded parts of my heart that I’ve made off limits to not only God, but to myself.  I locked them away and forgot about them.

However, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times at least- sooner or later, every truth comes to light.  There is nothing hidden in the dark that doesn’t eventually make it’s way into the light.

It did for this weekend, and this weekend was hard.  I am in the process of learning how to become financially stable- I’ve struggled all my life with not having enough – not having enough money, attention, love, affection, sex, nice things, whatever it may be, just not enough.  I’ve tried every which way I could to have ‘enough’.  I’ve spent money on worthless things to try and feel like I had enough junk in my home; I’ve stayed in unhealthy relationships for far too long so that I could have ‘enough’ affection and love; I’ve had more friends with benefits than I care to admit out loud to try and make myself feel like ‘enough’.  Here’s some revelation- until I let God heal those deep, dark, wounded parts of my heart, there will never be ‘enough’ of anything because I’m attempting to fill a bottomless void.

SO as I come to this gut-wrenching revelation at the help of a good friend who’s trying to help me get my finances in order- I recognized that I there are things that I need to forgive God for.

I needed to forgive God for not giving me parents that were able to provide for me when I really needed it.

I needed to forgive God for not protecting me in all the ways I felt like He should have.

I needed to forgive God for taking things and opportunities away from me that I thought I deserved and I needed.

I needed to forgive God for withholding from me all the promises He’d given me- a husband, a family for instance.  The truth is though- if the man that God created for me, the one He’s promised me, walked into my life right now, I wouldn’t trust him.  I’d always be waiting for him to let me down, to hurt me.

I needed to forgive myself for not trusting God to be my provider; for so arrogant and thinking that I could take care of everything on my own when that hasn't worked for me thus far.

Then, I had to let the Father come in and heal those deep, dark, hidden wounds of my heart.  That’s still a work in progress.

I believed the lie that God couldn’t be my provider for every area of my life and in doing that, denying that God can’t be God all the time, I’d robbed myself of so many great opportunities for God to show off in my life.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve said that I wanted God’s best, that I wouldn’t settle for anything mediocre or sub-par from God- I want everything that He has for me.  In order to receive that, I have to let Him be God.  I have to let Him be my everything and I have to trust Him to be that provider.

I have to stop being self-reliant.  I have to accept that in reality, I have no control, I have no say in how things go in my world.  I have to lay down my own will to have things my way.  I have to trust that whatever God wants to give me is His best, not mine because let’s be honest here, my best is filthy rags compared to His best.

I’m still processing and I’m still being submissive and several moments throughout the day, I have to stop myself from trying to figure it all out and trust that He’s at work and it’s for my good.  I’m a logical person so it’s hard for me to trust an illogical God. 

I have to trust Him.  In all things, in everything, in every minute detail of my life and of my heart, I have to trust Him.

Like I said, I’m still letting God reveal the hidden parts of my heart- the parts that are still tucked away behind those walls- the ones I thought were hidden from Him, but He states it so clearly- my walls are ever before Him.  He never stops thinking about them, He’s just waiting for me to give Him the permission to bring them down.

I don’t just want them to come down, I don’t just want Him to crush them, or tear them down, I want Him to obliterate them.  As painful as those wounds are, and as painful as I think it will be to let Him heal them, I don’t want any part of my heart guarded from Him.

The other great part of that verse, my name is engraved in the palm of His hand- because He loves me that much.

He is my healer, and He is my provider, and He is a good, good God- there is no one or no thing that has the capacity to love me the way He does.

I want my heart to be laid open before Him, because it is all that I have and I love Him so much that I want Him to be the God of my life, to be the King of my heart.

Besides, it’s not like anything or any part of me is hidden from Him anyway.  He sees the darkest and dirtiest parts of me and loves and delights in me anyway.

How could I not trust a God like that?

I’ll leave you with this- trust Him.  Forgive Him if you need to, forgiveness is not about feeling like it, or being in a place where you think you can, it’s a command, and it’s for your own good.  How much of the goodness of God are you missing because you’re holding on to something painful?

Embrace the healing.  He is for us.

Be blessed.

~Pamela

I Need To Be Rescued...Like, Yesterday.

There are just some days where I need to be rescued.
Today is one of those days.

I'm leaning so heavily on one of my favorite chapters in the whole Bible today.  Psalm 18.  It’s my favorite depiction of how God rescues us.  

Sometimes we like to keep God in this snuggly Father figure box (which He most definitely is) where He just scoops us up and loves on us and kisses our boo boos; but sometimes it's important to have Him really reveal Himself to us as the powerful Almighty God of the Universe.

I love the way that David describes Him in this chapter because He is my rescuer and today, this is how I need to see Him.

The Almighty God of the Universe. 

I Am.

My Redeemer.

My Healer.

My King.

My God.

I need Him come down on His angelic beast and fight for me. 

All because He has heard my cry and He delights in me.

Not because of who I am, but just because of who He is and because of how much He loves me.

Yeah, I need Him to be that God today.

Psalm 18

For the choir director: A psalm of David, the servant of the Lord. He sang this song to the Lord on the day the Lord rescued him from all his enemies and from Saul. He sang:

I love you, Lord; you are my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.

He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.

I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and he saved me from
my enemies.

The ropes of death entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me.

The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path.

But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help.

He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.

Then the earth quaked and trembled.  The foundations of the mountains shook; they quaked because of his anger.

Smoke poured from his nostrils; fierce flames leaped from his mouth.  Glowing coals blazed forth from him.

He opened the heavens and came down; dark storm clouds were
beneath his feet.

Mounted on a mighty angelic being, he flew, soaring on the
wings of the wind.

He shrouded himself in darkness, veiling his approach
with dark rain clouds.

Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him and
rained down hail and burning coals.

The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High
resounded amid the hail and burning coals.

He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies;  his lightning
flashed, and they were greatly confused.

Then at your command, O Lord, at the blast of your breath, the bottom of the sea could be seen, and the foundations
of the earth were laid bare.  

He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.

He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who
hated me and were too strong for me.

They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me.

He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.

The Lord rewarded me for doing right; he restored me
because of my innocence.

For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I have not turned
from my God to follow evil.

I have followed all his regulations; I have never abandoned
his decrees.

I am blameless before God; I have kept myself
from sin.

The Lord rewarded me for doing right.
He has seen my innocence.

To the faithful you show yourself faithful; to those with
integrity you show integrity.

To the pure you show yourself pure, but to the wicked you
show yourself hostile.

You rescue the humble, but you humiliate the proud.

You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God,
lights up my darkness.

In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall.

God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true.  He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.

For who is God except the Lord?  Who but our God is a solid rock?

God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect.

He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to
stand on mountain heights.

He trains my hands for battle; he strengthens my arm to
draw a bronze bow.

You have given me your shield of victory.
Your right hand supports me; your help has
made me great.

You have made a wide path for my feet to keep
them from slipping. 

I chased my enemies and caught them; I did not stop
until they were conquered.

I struck them down so they could not get up; they
fell beneath my feet.

You have armed me with strength for the battle;
you have subdued my enemies under my feet.

You placed my foot on their necks.  I have destroyed all who hated me.

They called for help, but no one came to their rescue.
They even cried to the Lord, but he refused to answer.

I ground them as fine as dust in the wind.
I swept them into the gutter like dirt.

You gave me victory over my accusers.
You appointed me ruler over nations; people I don’t even
know now serve me.

As soon as they hear of me, they submit; foreign nations
cringe before me.

They all lose their courage and come trembling
from their strongholds. 

The Lord lives! Praise to my Rock!  May the God of my salvation be exalted! 

He is the God who pays back those who harm me;
he subdues the nations under me and rescues me
from my enemies.  You hold me safe beyond the reach of
my enemies; you save me from violent opponents.

For this, O Lord, I will praise you among the nations;
I will sing praises to your name.

You give great victories to your king; you show unfailing love to your anointed, to David and all his descendants forever.



I want what God wants for me- no matter what that looks like.  I want what He has for me because I know it is far better than anything I could ever want for myself.
It's just hard to understand sometimes and that desire doesn't always make our heart hurt less.

However, I am forever convinced that no matter what I do, what I go through, no matter how ugly it gets, and no matter how awesome it gets, there is absolutely, NO END TO HIS GOOD!

Now, how can I pray for YOU today?

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela 

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

www.ACreativeWord.com

Where's Your Focus?

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise—dwell on these things.

 Philippians 4:8 (HCSB)

What takes your focus away from the Father?
I'll be honest, I really believed that my whole focus was on God- I mean, I adore Him and love Him with my whole being and I truly only want to go where He takes me.  I only want to hear His voice and I only want to do His will for me.
However...
There are still things that pull my focus away from Him and back onto myself.  They're subtle and we all do it at some point or another.
Here's some things that I personally allow to deter my focus:

• The way I look at my own body.  Ugh, this is a tough one and I believe that many women struggle with this.  There are days that I flat out hate my body and the way I look.  I end up pouring all my attention into self-loathing rather than focusing on His purpose for my body.
• My own thoughts- like anyone else, my thoughts race, constantly.  I always dream because my brain never just shuts down.  I have more thoughts in a day than I feel like I can control.  The truth is, I can control them, and I don't have to let them walk all over me.  I need to practice 'capturing' my thoughts more often. 
• Money. This is another tough one- when an unexpected bill shows up, or even when I have a little extra money coming my way, I still tend to obsess and worry about it. 

What are some things that pull your focus? 

• Maybe you have a sick child (I have several friends that are dealing with this right now) that you're more focused on than the Father.
• Maybe you and your spouse aren't getting along lately
• Maybe you're in a rut
• Maybe you're lonely
• Maybe you're stressed out at work
• Maybe your kids are demanding your attention
• Maybe you're working so hard to control every little detail of your life and everyone in it just to keep it from 'spinning out of control'
• Maybe you're wondering how much more you can handle

My point is that we shouldn't allow anything to pull our focus from God.  After all, He's everything and everywhere, in every situation, in every circumstance and He holds you and your circumstances in the palm of His hand.
He knows all the balls you have in the air, kids, work, finances, and He's already got it worked out, He's just waiting for you to just trust Him.

In my distress I prayed to the Lord,
and the Lord answered me and set me free.

Psalm 118:5

A pretty common lie from the enemy is that God won't put more on us than we can handle.  Folks, that's a HUGE lie- no where in the Word does God tell us to carry all the burden we can and then cast the 'rest' of our cares on Him.  No, it says to cast ALL your cares on Him and HE will give us rest.  (1 Peter 5:7)
God doesn't want to test you and see how much you can deal with; He doesn't continue to give you more junk to handle- that's not His goal. 
In fact, He wants you to stop trying to handle it all and trust Him to take care of it.  He wants to release you from the responsibility of trying to take care of everything and the hurtful feeling of failure when you just can't. 
See, when we put our trust in Him and focus our thoughts towards Him, He takes care of everything, even when we don't see anything happening. 
We're completely off the hook.
So, the next time you're bombarded with things that are demanding your attention and pulling your focus away from God, stop, and take that moment to just say, "I trust you, Father." 
It helps keep your focus where it should be.  You're re-directing your thoughts from what you can't control to someone who can. 
The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10) - if he can steal your joy and your kill your ability to trust God, he will destroy you.  Jesus came so that we'd have life more abundantly.
Put your attention and trust where it belongs- on the only One who can handle and change your life.
Sit back, trust Him and just watch and see what He does.  He only wants good things for you- no matter what your circumstances may look like.

For the Lord delights in his people;
he crowns the humble with victory.

Psalm 149:4

Be blessed!!!
~Pamela

www.ACreativeWord.com
Pamela@acreativeword.com



 

 



Worry Much?

Did you realize that worry and trust actually go hand in hand? You can't have one without the lack of the other.

If you worry a lot, then you have little or no trust; if you trust a lot, then you have little or no worry.

Some would like to fool themselves and say that they're the 'middle of the road-ers'; well, the Word states that you are either one or the other.

Psalm 62:8 tells us to put all of our trust in God- if we do that, then we can't worry.

I think that worry is simply our fighting with our own lack of control.

I like control, but I've also learned that I don't really have control over anything in my life or my environment except myself.

There was a phase in my life where I fought to control everything in my life, everything in my environment and everyone in it. Needless to say, I failed miserably.

When you live a life of being controlling, you will constant battle a feeling of failure and frustration.

I'll be honest, I'm great at worrying. I can work myself up with the best of 'em!

Currently, I'm dealing with this in my life.

I mean, right this second, I'm battling worry and the stress of having little control.

Being a survivor of rape, I have this intense need to control my environment- in this case, I'm talking about my home.

My current landlord, is a jerk. He's inconsiderate, cheap, and kind of a bully. Did I mention he's a tad chauvinist in that he thinks he can intimidate young women using their own ignorance against them?

See, just this week, the Father blessed me with an opportunity that I hadn't even really been praying for but secretly really wanted. I currently live in an old duplex that is in bad condition (I do the best I can to make it nice) with a slummy landlord that quite frankly, doesn't give a damn. I wanted to live in my own house- I didn't care of it was a rent house, as long as the landlord was good to me. I'm an impeccable renter so I felt that I deserve to be respected and treated fairly by my landlord.

I was blessed with a house this week! I get to move in June 29th (because I walk in the Favor of my Father) and it just so happens to be right across the street from my current establishment. It's bigger, more up-to-date and I've known the landlord literally, all my life. God's pretty amazing that way.

I gave my notice on June 1st along with my last month's rent check. Man, it felt good! Unfortunately, that feeling was short-lived. Two days later, he starts texting me that he wants to show my house to potential renters. Uh, huh?

I knew that he had done that to my neighbors and he was pretty obnoxious about it and most of the time, he didn't give them notice, just showed up. That does not fly well with me at all, I don't like surprises and to be frank, I don't like surprise visitors at my house.

Well, he texted me about one appointment this morning- I reluctantly agreed and forced Daisy and Chester outside for the morning. I came home at lunch (like I always do) and let them back in and sat down with the remote with my lunch and some down time.

All of the sudden, there's a knock on the door- there he is with another potential renter. The dogs are going nuts and I end up putting them back outside while they peruse through my home.

I hate this.

Then, about 3pm, he texts me with: "I have someone that needs to see your house at 4pm".

This time, I was all, 'No. I can't get home to put the dogs up, I can be available at 6pm tonight.'

Nada.

No. Response. Whatsoever.

This stresses me out more than one can imagine. My co-worker has dogs that are her children and insisted that I go drive by my home and see if he ignored me (like he has in the past). Luckily, he didn't.

Still, this has kept me in knots all day long. Now, I'm concerned every time I leave my house that he's going to text me (or not) and just show up anyway.

To make matters worse, I have neighbors that are meth-addicts. I'm so not making this up- I live in a desirable, almost non-existent neighborhood and these new people move in.

Needless to say, they're having issues- domestic issues a couple of days ago, where I was tempted to call the police, and then last night- banging on the walls in the middle of the night, ripping me and the dogs from a dead sleep wondering what in the world was going on.

Between my neighbors, my landlord, and just the general stress of moving- my stomach is in knots and my hair is wearing thin.

Then, in the midst of my turmoil, I hear that still, small, voice say: "Do you trust Me?"...

Hhhhmmm, "Yes, but, You don't realize...." I can't even finish the statement because there's this resounding "Do you trust Me?" bouncing around in my spirit.

Ugh... If I ignore it, it will go away. Right? No. At least, not yet. I go on Pinterest to distract myself, what do I run across?? A picture with 5 "Trust Him" quotes on it.

Okay- fine, I'll stop trying to control my world and I'll, ugh, trust You.

What specifically do I need to trust Him with right in this moment?

· Wisdom (on responding to my neighbors and my landlord)

· Favor (that he'll realize this is huge invasion of my privacy and unacceptable; I'll get my deposit back with no worries, and just generally respect me and my space that I'm paying for and stop trying to show it beforehand)

· Instruction (What I should do if he doesn't do the above)

· Discernment (This applies mostly to mine and the dogs safety and general dealings with my neighbors)

· Peace (because, I need it. Badly. Right now.)

· Just that He's going to do what He said He'd do, which is HANDLE THIS SO I DON'T HAVE TO.

When am I ever going to really grab a hold of that knowledge?!

I find myself asking God to help me trust Him. I want to. I know it's in MY best interest to do so. I know that just getting alone in His presence is what will give me the peace that I am in desperate need of. So why do I fight it?

I hate the lack of control. Thankfully, that's an area that the Father is healing me in every day. I'm learning to let go and just let Him handle it. I'm not totally there yet, but I'm getting closer and closer every day.

If you're still with me- and I wouldn't blame you for jumping ship a few paragraphs ago; I pray that you find comfort and reassurance in what the Father says about worrying and trusting Him.

Here are 5 things the Bible says about worry:

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 6:26-27 (NLT)

Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)

Give all your worries and cares to God, for
he cares about you.

Matthew 11:28-30 (NLT)

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Psalm 62:8 (NLT)
O my people, trust in him at all times.

Pour out your heart to him,

for God is our refuge.
 

I pray that you are encouraged and that you learn to really trust Him; that you really learn that He really does have it all under control. He hasn't forgotten you. He knows how dire your situation or desires might be. Give Him a chance to show you something really beautiful.

Please join us over at A Creative Word and get the HELP that you need to you know, just do your life!

Blessings!!

Pamela

I can be reached at Pamela@aCreativeWord.com.