Back to Work!!

  Psalm 34:4-7 (NLT)

 

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.

He freed me from all my fears.

Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;

no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;

he saved me from all my troubles.

For the angel of the Lord is a guard;

he surrounds and defends all who fear him.

 



April 15th 8 days post surgery!

 

 

Wow.  I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last updated, and I apologize for that.

Where do I even begin?!

Let’s start off with the really, really, really important news: I AM HEALED!!!!!

God promised to heal me through brain surgery and He most definitely did.

I continue to shock and awe my surgeon and neurologist because of how amazing I’m doing.

I have no more headaches, definitely no more migraines and they can’t really explain it.

It’s opened amazing doors to share just how awesome my God is.

 

I’ve had multiple opportunities to share this miracle with others- including nursing staff, ICU staff, doctors, internist, and just the Average Joe at Wal-Mart.

God is so good and He is most definitely a man of His word.

 

Let’s talk about the scripture above- I go back to work on Tuesday and I’m a little anxious about it.  I had a neuro-cognitive test done about a week ago and did really well.  I’m having some minor short-term memory issues (more so than average people do) and some difficulty finding my words at times.  This is all normal and my brain will learn to‘re-route’ itself in due time.  It just may take 6 months.  Most of you know how patient I am, so you know I was ready for it to be back to ‘normal’ yesterday, well, last week.

 

I’ve been off work for the last almost 8 weeks so it’s a little intimidating to come back- full time.  If I attempted to do part time, I’d just wear myself out trying to cram an 8-hour day into 4 hours.  Also, I’ve been gone, stuff has happened that I haven’t been a part of and I’m sure that a little feeling of being ‘left out’ of the loop will happen.  I think I’m also nervous that I’ll get really tired, really fast and just not be able to keep up.  I also have this nightmare that my desk is covered with paper and the phone won’t stop ringing and I’m completely overwhelmed and have a meltdown at work.  Yeah, had that dream twice now.  Super fun.

I know that I work with the best people and I have a lot of support and understanding and I so appreciate that.

Truthfully, I don’t want to be babied or treated differently than I was before.

I will say this- it will be awesome to get through a workday with no pain!

 

I really can’t express how much I LOVE not being in the pain I was in before.  I get tension headaches from time to time because I haven’t quite gotten totally comfortable sleeping yet and I keep pinching a nerve in my neck- doc says that will eventually work itself out too and that it’s to be expected.

 

There are no words for how much better I feel, just all the time.  I get tired, but I’m not sick anymore and it’s amazing.  I don’t keep emergency meds on me anymore, I don’t take any kind of pain medicine anymore (except for the tension headaches occasionally) and I just overall feel better.

 

People keep telling me that I look different- not just the hair, but that my face just looks different.  I look relieved and relaxed, not like I’m masking how bad I really feel.  I say it’s because I got half a face-lift.  Seriously, when they stitched up the left side of my head, it felt like my braid was entirely too tight for about 3 weeks.  I can actually see a slight difference in the beginnings of crow’s feet around my eyes.  It’s less noticeable on the left side. Lol

 

During this time that I’ve had off, I’ve rested.  I’ve rested my body, my soul, and my mind.  It’s been great, but I’m so ready to get back into a regular routine with my job (I’ve really missed my job) and people.  I’ve spent time with my family, my dogs, and worked on my home some when I had the energy.  I’ve spent time with myself and a lot of time with God.  It’s been amazing.

I knew that this surgery would change a lot of things about my life, but I don’t think that I fully grasped what it would do for me until I began to heal.  I’ve watched God intervene and do incredible things in my world- even still.

I’ll save that for another blog post, but I wanted to update everyone.

 

To everyone that came by, sent cards, texted, brought meals, and just visited me- I’m overwhelmed with the amount of love that’s been poured out on me.  I wish I could give it back 1,000 fold because y’all surely deserve it.  I am so grateful to the people that God has placed in my life.  Know that you have been noticed and I’m thankful to have you part of my world.

 

Once I get back in the swing of things at work, I’ll start posting again on a more regular basis and let you in on some incredible things God is doing in my life.

 



May 23rd, 2014

There is no end to His good.  There’s just not.

 

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela

 

 

 

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

Please visit our website at www.ACreativeWord.com

 

Visit us on FaceBook at: https://www.facebook.com/#!/JennaLangHelpForRealLife

The Monster I Thought I Couldn't Forgive...

This is probably the most raw, ugly, transparent post I've ever written and I'm only posting it because I'm being obedient to what the Holy Spirit wants me to do.

Quick Note: Tres Dias is an amazing ministry that I'm involved in that helps you grow in your intimacy and realize your identity in the Lord.  I am passionate about this ministry and encourage all believers to go through it, it will only enhance your walk with the Lord.

Quick Update on my brain: I'm HEALED!  No more headaches and I fully intend to post an update on my head very soon!  :)  God is so good and most definitely has healed my body!
Thank you to all who have prayed, brought meals, and visited with me.  I have more love for you than you'll ever know.  I'm convinced that no has people as amazing as I do. :)

Now, prepare yourself...

The Unforgivable Ted Bundy**

Ugh, just typing his name makes me want to vomit.

He is nothing short of nightmare from my past that I have pushed as far from my mind as I am humanly capable of doing.

Currently, he is preparing to go through Tres Dias.  MY Tres Dias.  Mine.  A place that I never, ever imagine he would even know about.

I, am currently throwing a temper tantrum with my Father over this.  I hate this person.  Hate isn’t even a strong enough word for what I feel about him.  This is a person who has brought so much fear and torment into not just my life but into my marriage and every relationship since him.

Imagine having your worst nightmare show up in the safest place you’ve ever been, not just showing up but being welcomed with open arms and loved on by people that love you.

All I want to do is scream ‘NO! He’s a monster!  He’s a predator of the worst kind!  KILL HIM!’ but I can’t.

Hence, the temper tantrum.

An argument with God where I’m screaming, NO! Please don’t make me forgive him!   He deserves to rot in hell.

I have never been in this place with God before.  I have never begged God to let me hate someone so much in my whole life and it’s overwhelming.  This is by far the ugliest I have ever been in His presence and by far the most broken and wounded.

Surely He won’t ask me to forgive someone who has brought so much destruction to my life.

This ‘man’ beat me and probably raped me (I was unconscious) and left me for dead just for breaking up with him because he was abusive.

He attacked me at my most vulnerable and was beyond cruel to me.  Why do I have to forgive him????  Why?!

I have never wanted to hold on to hate so badly in my whole life.  I know for a fact that he is still victimizing women in the same way – I know one, personally, she’s a friend of mine.  Why??????

He doesn’t deserve God, he exploits God, He doesn’t deserve to know God’s heart for Him.

I didn’t either though.  Right now, I don’t want to think about that, I don’t want to think about the awful hurtful things I did before God rescued me, I don’t want to think about how much I didn’t deserve God’s heart for me and how much those that beat my Jesus and crucified my Jesus didn’t deserve it, but He gives it freely anyway.

As I sit here and scream at God (I’m sure my neighbors think I’m being murdered), in between sobs, I can hear that gentle voice say I love you.  Trust Me.

Unfortunately, forgiveness is not a feeling.  It’s an obedience thing.  I don’t have really too much of a choice here.  I want the fullness of God and complete freedom, and I won’t be able to have that without forgiving Ted Bundy.

What do I want more?  To hate Ted Bundy and live in bondage or do I want to trust the God who rescued me, healed me completely through brain surgery, and who has NEVER failed me and experience true freedom?

I asked for this.  I really did.  I asked to trust without borders.  I asked over and over again for God to take me deeper than my feet would never wander on their own.  I told God that I wanted to never be in a place where I didn’t trust Him. 

See, when we sing the ever popular song, ‘Oceans’, we are actually declaring something over ourselves.  We are speaking that into our lives.

Here I am. 

I am here for such a time as this and it’s miserable.

I promised that in the absolute worst pain and destruction and chaos that I would continually turn my face to Him and praise Him, even in sacrifice.

How many times must God prove Himself to me, that I can whole-heartedly trust Him with everything in my world and in the darkest parts of my heart?  How many times???  Until I do.

I’m getting ready to speak at a women’s conference about faith and spending time with God.  How am I ever going to be able to do that if it’s not something that I’m willing to practice with the darkest part of my heart?  How am I ever going to look someone in the eyes and tell them that they can recklessly trust God with the most tender and terrifying of wounds if I’m not willing to let Him heal mine?

I can’t.  I just can’t. 

So I must let Him in.  I must let Him into the most broken pieces of my heart, the ugliest parts of my wounds and let Him heal me in that incredible way that only He can.

I don’t want to.  But I have to if I want the freedom that God has for me.  I’ve done enough sozo’s with myself and with others to know that my Father is gentle, the enemy would have us believe that it’s going to be too excruciating to endure and that we won’t be healed, but I can hear my own words coming out.  That’s not the God that I serve.  I serve an all-powerful God who is a compassionate Father, who would never hurt His children in order to heal them. Hurt does not come from God, it comes from the enemy.

I know His healing is safe and so worth it.  I just have to give Him permission to do it.

So I will.

The enemy will not win.  He will not keep me in bondage.

I will let my Father heal me, and I will stay in His presence as long as it takes, because I want all of Him, I want His absolute best and I will not settle for anything less.

I will not give the enemy permission to keep me in bondage. I give my Daddy permission to rescue me once again and to fight this battle for me.

I’ll just be still in His presence and let Him do what He does best.  I’ll let Him be God.

Yes, I was placed here for such a time as this.

I pray you’re encouraged and blessed and pushed even further to trust the Father with those deepest hurts and that you seek only HIS face and you reject the lies of the enemy.

Thank you for allowing me to be so transparent and so raw.

Be blessed.

Pamela

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com.

**His name has been changed for the protection of his victims.

This was my devotional after my temper tantrum...

 

The Time Has Come!

John 14:27 (NLT)

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

John 16:33 (NLT)

^“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

There’s something powerful about the unquestionable peace that comes with knowing you are exactly where God wants you to be.

Well folks, we have a plan and a surgery date.

I will be having surgery on April 7^th at 7:30am at a hospital in Addison.

They will at the very least, place a titanium plate in my head (or use surgical cement if possible) to protect the area of my fracture.  My brain actually bulge’s from this fractured area and if they can safely separate my brain from my skull and repair that, they will do that, and then put the plate in.

This in no way guarantees that I will stop having migraines according to my surgeon, but I have always believed that God was going to heal me through this surgery.

I stand firm on that promise now.

This will most definitely take some pressure off of my brain which will in effect, hopefully stop trigging migraines. 

I believe that it will.

Some questions I’ve been asked over the last couple of days:

·        Will you have to shave your head?  Part of it, yes, the left side- mostly.  I am having a small head shaving party with some of my close friends- might as well have some fun with it!  There will be plenty of pictures (because my ‘friends’ won’t be able to resist, I’m sure!) and be looking for me to do something funky with my hair. J

·        How long will you be in the hospital?  That really depends on exactly what they’re able to do while they’re in there.  If they’re able to safely repair my brain (insert snicker here) I’ll be in the hospital for about 4 days, a couple in ICU.  If they’re not and they’re only able to put a plate in, I should be in ICU the first night and then a regular room and then home the next day!  Amazing!  I’m not accounting for any mishaps because there won’t be any.

·        How long will you be ‘down’? That’s going to be a little tricky.  It will most definitely depend on how detailed the surgery is and what they’re able to do.  Most definitely not full activity for 6 weeks once I come home; 2-3 weeks before I can return to work, light duty.  It will really depend on how I feel and well I’m doing.  I’m going to recover really well so I look forward to being back at work soon.

·        Will you need round the clock care?  When I get home, I will have someone with me the first week pretty much all the time (for someone as independent as I am, this will be fun, I’m sure!) just to help me out.  After that, for the next 2 weeks (or whenever I go back to work) I can have some time by myself.  Because I will be so tired from the surgery, I will need help with meals and general house cleaning, and it would be nice to have some company to just visit.

·        How can I help?  I am so humbled by this question to be honest.  I’ve never had a major surgery like this where I wasn’t able to take care of myself within a day or two so this part is a little overwhelming.  Fortunately, I have amazing friends that have just taken care of this for me. There are two websites that have been set up for me.  One for meals, the other for visitors (those who also want to help me keep my house clean, do laundry, dishes, etc. when I can’t do those things myself).

You can go online and sign up for whatever area you want to help me with.  It’s all appreciated.

Here’s the meal calendar:

http://www.takethemameal.com/meals.php?t=KRAQ9651

 Other needs calendar:

https://www.carecalendar.org/v2/calendar.php

Calendar ID: 177894C

Security Code: 1577

Click on ‘Show Calendar’ and choose what need you would like to fill.

 

As with any recovery, I’m sure that I will have great days and some not-so-good days, that’s only natural, so I’m asking that you please shoot me a text before you come over with meals or for anything else.  It would be easier on me and my caretakers if we didn’t have any ‘surprise’ visitors without some notification first.

I have an amazing friend, Alicia Hill (no relation) that is helping me with all of this.  She is actually going to act as my primary contact for my recovery.  If you have general questions about what I need or just want to know how I’m doing that day, she’s the person to contact.

Please email her at: AMHDANZ4JC@aol.com

One last question:

·        How are you doing?  I’m okay, at best some days.  I’m in a great deal of pain all of the time and because I can’t take anything before surgery, I’m struggling.  My neurologist is calling in something for pain for in the meantime but I won’t be able to take it during the day.  In this aspect, I’m grateful the surgery is just a few days away.  Sometimes the pain is just overwhelming so please pray that I will have relief as I wait.  Otherwise, I’m more than ready to do this and get better!

I am so pleasantly overwhelmed with the amount of people that want to help me through this.  Your help is welcomed and so appreciated.  Your prayers for a painless and quick recovery are most coveted.

I am so grateful for the tremendous peace that I’m experiencing.  I may be feeling a little overwhelmed with all the things that I think need to be done before I have surgery, but really, I have no anxiety.  I’m a planner at heart so my head is reeling with trying to get everything done so quickly.  I am also realistic in knowing that what gets done will be done and what doesn’t, well, it won’t stop the world from turning.

 

I look forward to watching the Father really show off during this time and I will do my best to keep you all updated on how I’m doing as I recover.

I know that God is going to really reveal Himself in new and powerful ways throughout this process, He’s already made it abundantly clear that He has this, He’s gone before me and prepared the way.

  

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela

Pamela can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

Please visit our website at www.ACreativeWord.com

Want to catch up on what’s going on with my head?  Here are the links to previous blog posts!  Thank you for reading!

I Like Big Brains & I Cannot Lie, Part I
I Like Big Brains & I Cannot Lie Part II
Here's the Latest on my Crack-ed Head
I'm Buckin' Up
 

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela

I'm Bucklin' Up and Gettin' Ready, and It's Already Bumpy...

 

As I get ready for these huge, possibly life-changing tests on Wednesday, my anxiety is at an all-time high.  My trust is where it should be, but my physical body just won’t get on board.

 

I'm leaning so heavily on one of my favorite chapters in the whole Bible today.  Psalm 18.

 

It’s my favorite depiction of how God rescues us.  I've posted it from the New Living Translation because it's just so vivid.

 

Sometimes we like to keep God in this snuggly Father figure box (which He most definitely is) where He just scoops us up and loves on us and kisses our boo boos; but sometimes it's important to have Him really reveal Himself to us as the powerful Almighty God of the Universe.

 

I love the way that David describes Him in this chapter because He is my rescuer and today, this is how I need to see Him.

 

The Almighty God of the Universe. 

I Am.

My Redeemer.

My Healer.

My King.

My God.

 

I need Him come down on His angelic beast and fight for me. 

 

All because He has heard my cry and He delights in me.

 

Not because of who I am, but just because of who He is and because of how much He loves me.

 

Yeah, I need Him to be that God today.

 

Psalm 18

For the choir director: A psalm of David, the servant of the Lord. He sang this song to the Lord on the day the Lord rescued him from all his enemies and from Saul. He sang:

1 I love you, Lord; you are my strength.

2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.

He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.

3 I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and he saved me from my enemies.

4 The ropes of death entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me.

5 The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path.

6 But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help.

He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.

7 Then the earth quaked and trembled.  The foundations of the mountains shook; they quaked because of his anger.

8 Smoke poured from his nostrils; fierce flames leaped from his mouth.    Glowing coals blazed forth from him.

9 He opened the heavens and came down; dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.

10 Mounted on a mighty angelic being, he flew, soaring on the wings of the wind.

11 He shrouded himself in darkness, veiling his approach with dark rain clouds.

12 Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him and rained down hail and burning coals.

13 The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded

    amid the hail and burning coals.

14 He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies;  his lightning flashed, and they were greatly confused.

15 Then at your command, O Lord, at the blast of your breath, the bottom of the sea could be seen, and the foundations of the earth were laid bare.  

16 He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me.

18 They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord  supported me.

19 He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.

20 The Lord rewarded me for doing right; he restored me because of my innocence.

21 For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I have not turned from my God to follow evil.

22 I have followed all his regulations; I have never abandoned his decrees.

23 I am blameless before God; I have kept myself from sin.

24 The Lord rewarded me for doing right. He has seen my innocence.

25 To the faithful you show yourself faithful; to those with integrity you show integrity.

26 To the pure you show yourself pure, but to the wicked you show yourself hostile.

27 You rescue the humble, but you humiliate the proud.

28 You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.

29 In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall.

30 God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true.  He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.

31 For who is God except the Lord?  Who but our God is a solid rock?

32 God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect.

33 He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights.

34 He trains my hands for battle; he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.

35 You have given me your shield of victory.  Your right hand supports me;

    your help has made me great.

36 You have made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping. 

37 I chased my enemies and caught them; I did not stop until they were conquered.

38 I struck them down so they could not get up; they fell beneath my feet.

39 You have armed me with strength for the battle; you have subdued my enemies under my feet.

40 You placed my foot on their necks.  I have destroyed all who hated me.

41 They called for help, but no one came to their rescue.  They even cried to the Lord, but he refused to answer.

42 I ground them as fine as dust in the wind.  I swept them into the gutter like dirt.

43 You gave me victory over my accusers.  You appointed me ruler over nations; people I don’t even know now serve me.

44 As soon as they hear of me, they submit; foreign nations cringe before me.

45 They all lose their courage and come trembling from their strongholds. 

46 The Lord lives! Praise to my Rock!  May the God of my salvation be exalted!

47 He is the God who pays back those who harm me; he subdues the nations under me

48 and rescues me from my enemies.  You hold me safe beyond the reach of my enemies; you save me from violent opponents.

49 For this, O Lord, I will praise you among the nations; I will sing praises to your name.

50 You give great victories to your king; you show unfailing love to your anointed, to David and all his descendants forever.

 



 

 

 

 

I am forever convinced that no matter what I do, what I go through, no matter how ugly it gets, and no matter how awesome it gets, there is absolutely, NO END TO HIS GOOD!

 

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela 

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

www.ACreativeWord.com