“Then Job answered the LORD and said: ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.” Job 42:1-2
In scrolling through the old memories app in Facebook, I came
across this gem and a different status that said, 'officially divorced'.
God has a way of taking tragedy and hopelessness and still making
something so perfectly beautiful from it.
I just can't wrap my head around how He's able to take so much pain
and make good come from it.
He's still writing my story and He's still making beauty from my
ashes, but I am so, so grateful for His promise to bring it to fruition.
I may not always understand, but I can always trust that He will
always work the bad for my good.
My Plan B is still His Plan A, no matter how much I think I've
messed it up.
If you're struggling with pain today, as so many seem to do around
the holidays, hold on to this truth.
Lean into His presence and let the Father comfort your heart and heal it as
only He can. He'll do it, He longs to do it, you just have to trust Him
with your pain.
I mean, sometimes, it feels like I did, but alas, my faithful 4
followers- I did not disappear completely.
Turns out, I was right- they do have The Facebook up here, they use The Internets,
and they do have cell phone coverage.
Where do I begin??
First off, the bed & breakfast thing did not happen, just
wasn’t God’s timing- however, that was not the purpose for why I was coming
here- I came here simply because God called me to minister to the people here.
The treacherous drive up here was soul-changing.
It took me and the dogs 2 days to get here. I was pulling an extremely full U-Haul trailer
with an exceptionally full truck. Twenty
(yes, 20) hours of driving and 3 pukey stops (poor Chester) and a constantly
peeing mommy (I have fantastic kidneys!) – we made it.
Before the vomiting ensued...
During that drive I experienced every emotion possible. I was in awe of how beautiful this country is
– shocked and irritated at how extremely WIDE Oklahoma is, and just how long the non-tollway highway in
Kansas is. (FYI- there is NOWHERE to stop
and pee in Kansas. No. Where. Not even a bush. Seriously, y’all; take the tollway, it’s
worth the ten bucks.) I was angry at the important people in my life that just couldn't accept that I had to be obedient to God's call, sorrowful for the best friends I was leaving behind, excited for a new start, and terrified for too many things to name here.
When I first got here, we lived in Rice Lake, Wisconsin- by ‘we’, I
mean, Lisa and Charles Jett. They have
been gracious enough to take me in and help me get on my feet.
I was there for 3 weeks – Charles and Lisa had purchased a home
about 2 hours away in River Falls so I stayed in their awesome RV until we
moved (again).
Secluded, homey, and so relaxing - except for the bears.
The night before we were to move to River Falls, tragedy struck. I was loading my truck, for the move –
getting all my junk out of the RV, when I missed the bottom step and broke my
ankle and foot in 2 places.
Could not have happened at a worse time.
I went from being a fully functioning adult to someone who wasn’t
able to go to the bathroom by myself.
For. Real. Y’all.
Talk about being taken down a notch or 10. I will never be able to thank Charles and
Lisa enough for how graciously they helped me.
They had to help me do everything all while moving (them and me) to a
new place. They took care of Daisy and
Chester, took me to doctor’s appointments, helped me get around, fed me,
entertained me… and loved and prayed for me.
Because of my injury, I was in bed a lot- less mobile than
usual. I wasn’t really supposed to get
up and do much so I had a lot of time to think.
This was my hardest time- besides, Charles and Lisa, I had no one. I had no job, no church, no friends, no
people at all. I could feel myself going
down emotionally. This is when I really
started the grieving process… I was mourning the life I had in Texas.
When I first moved here, it felt like I was on a perpetual vacation
– that wore off pretty quickly.
About 2
weeks before my final doctor’s appointment, I began
job-hunting. I got an interview for a
company in St. Paul.
The interview itself was really interesting- it was less about my
actual skills (my resume speaks for itself, I guess) and more about what my
purpose up here was. I was sort of
grilled about my ministry views and I began to realize that this wasn’t so much
about a job, it was more about what I was really doing up here. I know from an employer’s point of view, they
were concerned about me getting homesick and leaving, but I know from a
spiritual point of view, I was in some unknown territory. It was good though- it really helped me
define what I was doing here. Bringing
people to freedom in Christ.
Shockingly enough, they offered me the job and I started there on
July 1st, got my walking boot off on July 2nd, and moved into my new townhouse
July 3rd. Whew! Talk about going from sitting in my bedroom
catching up on Gilligan’s Island to being a grown up in a matter of a couple of
days!
For those of you that actually know geography (I do not so no judgement here),
I live in Wisconsin and work in Minnesota- it’s only about 40 minutes from
where I live.
Let me state something here… Dallas drivers are nothing compared to
Minnesota drivers.
Oh. My. Cow. Welcome to the
Passive/Aggressive capital of the Universe.
I got cut-off by a cop!! These
people don’t wave, don’t use blinkers, don’t even give you the finger, they
just cut you off and assume you’ll move out of the way.
I also went from driving 4 minutes to work one way, to over an hour (some days)
one way – white-knuckling it all the way to work. J
Needless to say, this has been an adjustment.
So far, since I moved here in May, I’ve been back to Texas twice-
both were short trips for ministry purposes and I’m about to come back in
October for a couple of days to serve at Tres Dias.
You can take the girl out of Texas, but you'll never take the Texas out of this girl!
I’m pretty positive this will be my last trip to Texas for a while. It’s expensive and I have to board my dogs
while I’m gone – which can get super pricey in a hurry.
I miss Texas. So much. I miss my life there- my job, my house, my
friends, my family and it’s been so much more difficult than I could have ever
imagined.
I feel like I’ve been in this constant state of grieving since I
moved here. I realized that part of my
problem is that so far, I’ve been living here but still trying to maintain a
life in Texas. The problem with that is,
I don’t live in Texas, I live here.
I must create a life here. Until I
manage to do that, it’s just going to be hard.
That is also part of the purpose of waiting so long to come back to
visit – I need some distance. I keep
finding myself counting down the days until I get to go back home and that is
no way to be present here.
This has to become my new home.
To be quite honest, that’s been a painful revelation.
I had a great life in Texas but I have to be obedient to what God is calling me
to- right now, that’s up here. I have no
idea what the future holds, and I have no idea where it might take me but I do
know that I have to trust Him.
I don’t fully understand what I’m doing up here, and some days, I really
question why I’m here and He always reassures me that He’s got it all under
control.
Starting a new life somewhere else might seem exciting, it might seem like a
great new adventure, but what most outsiders fail to see, is that it comes at a
cost. At least for me.
I’ve sacrificed a career that I loved, I’ve lost some friendships,
I’ve sacrificed some potential romantic relationships, and I’ve even lost a
relationship with an important family member because she just wouldn’t accept
my decision to move.
Some may even be shocked to learn that this has made me softer- more emotional
than I think I’ve ever been (or maybe it’s the hormones?! Lol). There hasn’t been one day since I left that I
haven’t cried at some point or another. (I’m now that lady at the airport that
cries at check-in, you’re welcome) Sometimes it’s sad, sometimes, I’m just dealing
with my life.
This has changed me- I hope for the better, but being brought to a place of
humility like I have, has taught me so many things about myself.
Not the least of which is this: it’s not about me, it’s about Him, and it’s about
what He wants.
I want His best for me and if this is what it takes to get to it, then so be it.
And don't even get me started on how they talk up here......
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on
earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have
overcome the world.”
Isaiah 61:3
“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for
ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise
instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that
the Lord has planted for his own glory.”
So here I sit with my glass of wine
and my coconut cake – with my heart aching a little.
I’m no stranger, I’ve been here
before, especially over this last year.
I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t cleared out many a wine bottle
and kept the Pepperidge Farm people fully employed with benefits.
It’s not the end of the world, not
by a longshot, but sometimes, life just seems a little hopeless and just a
little too hard.
We all get that way sometimes, I
think- surely I can’t be the only one that ever feels like my world is spinning
a little out of control and I’m weary and tired of trying to hang on.
Tonight I feel like certain things
will never work out for me:
I’ll be single forever
I’ll never be enough to please my wounded mother
There will never be full restoration in my family
I’ll never have enough- I’ll never be truly valued to the degree
that I should be
I’ll never have the discipline to be as healthy as I want to be
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me – bring on the worms!
And the list just goes on and on; in
other words, a pity party.
These are all things that I feel in
my heart. There was a time in my life
not that long ago where these feelings
would’ve buried me.
Fortunately, I know how to climb out
of this funk, but I also know there can be healing in the funk. Sometimes, your heart just needs to grieve. The safest place to do that? God’s presence. Not just His word, but His actual
presence. Become like Mary and just sit
at His feet, put your head in His lap and pour your aching heart out.
You might argue that He already knows
your heart; sure He does, but He wants that kind of relationship with you- the
one where you trust Him enough to actually talk with Him. He longs for that fellowship with you.
So do it- get alone with God and
pour your heart out, get it all out and sob, ugly cry, and just sit at His
feet. Be angry, be sad, be hurt, be
disappointed, be whatever emotion you’re feeling right then and tell Him what’s
on your heart- the good, the bad, and the ugly.
He’s a great big God- He can handle your words. What’s more, He wants to handle your heart- your
accusations, your disappointments, He wants all of your burden. He wants to comfort you in every way that you
need comforting.
I know from my own experience, it’s
in those heart-rendering times that He tends to speak the most profound things
to me.
See, usually, while I’m pouring out,
He’s pouring into me. Man, I
am so grateful for that. When I’m
emptying myself out, He’s filling me full of Him. So often, this is the place where new
revelation is born. He speaks to me, and
always, always reveals a new aspect of His love for me.
I started this evening out hurting,
just kind of beat down- but I remembered the game-changer: Just because I feel
something, doesn’t make it true (thank you Shawna for that wisdom).
Just because I don’t feel something, doesn’t make it true either. Just because I can’t feel God working in my
circumstances, doesn’t mean that He’s not- in fact, just about the opposite is
always true- He’s working overtime, and change is coming.
Just because I feel disappointed or
hopeless doesn’t make it true.
Jeremiah 17:7-9
“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord
their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that
reach deep into the water. Such
trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their
leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.
The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and
desperately wicked.
Who really knows how bad it is?”
Don’t believe the lie that you must
stay in the funk. Don’t buy into the
feelings (or facts, whatever the circumstances might be), wholeheartedly
believe the truth.
For me- it looks like this:
Feeling (Facts)
Truth
I’ll be single forever
God has promised to
provide a husband He created just for me; He also promised me a family of my
own
I’ll never be
enough to please my wounded mother
I am not supposed
to be enough; He is the only One who can heal her heart
There will never
be full restoration in my family
God is the God of
restoration; His word never returns void and He promised to restore it years
ago
I’ll never have
enough- I’ll never be truly valued to the degree that I should be
He is my provider;
He not only values me, He delights in me
I’ll never have
the discipline to be as healthy as I want to be
His grace is more
than sufficient for me; I can do all things with His strength
Nobody likes me,
everybody hates me – bring on the worms!
I am not to be conformed
to this world – His opinion of me is ALL that defines me- He calls me
righteous and beloved
Life is just hard and God knows it’s
hard. That popular saying that God doesn’t
give us more than we can bear is a lie- God wants to bear it for us.
If you’re struggling- He’ll meet you
right where you’re at, right now, just get before Him and let it all out. He longs for you…
This is probably the most raw, ugly, transparent post I've ever written and I'm only posting it because I'm being obedient to what the Holy Spirit wants me to do.
Quick Note: Tres Dias is an amazing ministry that I'm involved in that helps you grow in your intimacy and realize your identity in the Lord. I am passionate about this ministry and encourage all believers to go through it, it will only enhance your walk with the Lord.
Quick Update on my brain: I'm HEALED! No more headaches and I fully intend to post an update on my head very soon! :) God is so good and most definitely has healed my body! Thank you to all who have prayed, brought meals, and visited with me. I have more love for you than you'll ever know. I'm convinced that no has people as amazing as I do. :)
Now, prepare yourself...
The Unforgivable Ted Bundy**
Ugh, just typing his name makes me want to vomit.
He is nothing short of nightmare from my past that I have
pushed as far from my mind as I am humanly capable of doing.
Currently, he is preparing to go through Tres Dias.MY Tres Dias.Mine.A place that I never, ever
imagine he would even know about.
I, am currently throwing a temper tantrum with my Father
over this.I hate this person.Hate isn’t even a strong enough word for what
I feel about him.This is a person who
has brought so much fear and torment into not just my life but into my marriage
and every relationship since him.
Imagine having your worst nightmare show up in the safest
place you’ve ever been, not just showing up but being welcomed with open arms
and loved on by people that love you.
All I want to do is scream ‘NO! He’s a monster!He’s a predator of the worst kind!KILL HIM!’ but I can’t.
Hence, the temper tantrum.
An argument with God where I’m screaming, NO! Please
don’t make me forgive him!He deserves
to rot in hell.
I have never been in this place with God before.I have never begged God to let me hate
someone so much in my whole life and it’s overwhelming.This is by far the ugliest I have ever been
in His presence and by far the most broken and wounded.
Surely He won’t ask me to forgive someone who has brought
so much destruction to my life.
This ‘man’ beat me and probably raped me (I was
unconscious) and left me for dead just for breaking up with him because he was
abusive.
He attacked me at my most vulnerable and was beyond cruel
to me.Why do I have to forgive
him????Why?!
I have never wanted to hold on to hate so badly in my
whole life.I know for a fact that he is
still victimizing women in the same way – I know one, personally, she’s a
friend of mine.Why??????
He doesn’t deserve God, he exploits God, He doesn’t
deserve to know God’s heart for Him.
I didn’t either though.Right now, I don’t want to think about that, I don’t want to think about
the awful hurtful things I did before God rescued me, I don’t want to think
about how much I didn’t deserve God’s heart for me and how much those that beat
my Jesus and crucified my Jesus didn’t deserve it, but He gives it freely
anyway.
As I sit here and scream at God (I’m sure my neighbors
think I’m being murdered), in between sobs, I can hear that gentle voice say I
love you.Trust Me.
Unfortunately, forgiveness is not a feeling.It’s an obedience thing.I don’t have really too much of a choice
here.I want the fullness of God and
complete freedom, and I won’t be able to have that without forgiving Ted Bundy.
What do I want more?To hate Ted Bundy and live in bondage or do I want to trust the God who
rescued me, healed me completely through brain surgery, and who has NEVER
failed me and experience true freedom?
I asked for this.I really did.I asked to trust
without borders.I asked over and over
again for God to take me deeper than my feet would never wander on their
own.I told God that I wanted to never
be in a place where I didn’t trust Him.
See, when we sing the ever popular song, ‘Oceans’, we are
actually declaring something over ourselves.We are speaking that into our lives.
Here I am.
I am here for such a time as this and it’s miserable.
I promised that in the absolute worst pain and
destruction and chaos that I would continually turn my face to Him and praise
Him, even in sacrifice.
How many times must God prove Himself to me, that I can
whole-heartedly trust Him with everything in my world and in the darkest parts
of my heart?How many times???Until I do.
I’m getting ready to speak at a women’s conference about
faith and spending time with God.How am
I ever going to be able to do that if it’s not something that I’m willing to
practice with the darkest part of my heart?How am I ever going to look someone in the eyes and tell them that they
can recklessly trust God with the most tender and terrifying of wounds if I’m
not willing to let Him heal mine?
I can’t.I just
can’t.
So I must let Him in.I must let Him into the most broken pieces of my heart, the ugliest
parts of my wounds and let Him heal me in that incredible way that only He can.
I don’t want to.But
I have to if I want the freedom that God has for me.I’ve done enough sozo’s with myself and with
others to know that my Father is gentle, the enemy would have us believe that
it’s going to be too excruciating to endure and that we won’t be healed, but I
can hear my own words coming out.That’s
not the God that I serve.I serve an all-powerful
God who is a compassionate Father, who would never hurt His children in order
to heal them. Hurt does not come from God, it comes from the enemy.
I know His healing is safe and so worth it.I just have to give Him permission to do it.
So I will.
The enemy will not win.He will not keep me in bondage.
I will let my Father heal me, and I will stay in His
presence as long as it takes, because I want all of Him, I want His absolute
best and I will not settle for anything less.
I will not give the enemy permission to keep me in
bondage. I give my Daddy permission to rescue me once again and to fight this
battle for me.
I’ll just be still in His presence and let Him do what He
does best.I’ll let Him be God.
Yes, I was placed here for such a time as this.
I pray you’re encouraged and blessed and pushed even
further to trust the Father with those deepest hurts and that you seek only HIS
face and you reject the lies of the enemy.
Thank you for allowing me to be so transparent and so
raw.
As
I get ready for these huge, possibly life-changing tests on Wednesday, my
anxiety is at an all-time high.My trust
is where it should be, but my physical body just won’t get on board.
I'm
leaning so heavily on one of my favorite chapters in the whole Bible today. Psalm
18.
It’s
my favorite depiction of how God rescues us.I've posted it from the New Living Translation because it's just so vivid.
Sometimes
we like to keep God in this snuggly Father figure box (which He most definitely is)
where He just scoops us up and loves on us and kisses our boo boos; but
sometimes it's important to have Him really reveal Himself to us as the
powerful Almighty God of the Universe.
I
love the way that David describes Him in this chapter because He is my rescuer
and today, this is how I need to see Him.
The Almighty God of the
Universe.
I
Am.
My
Redeemer.
My Healer.
My
King.
My
God.
I
need Him come down on His angelic beast and fight for me.
All because He has heard my cry and He delights in me.
Not
because of who I am, but just because of who He is and because of how much
He loves me.
For the choir director: A
psalm of David, the servant of the Lord. He sang this song to the Lord on the
day the Lord rescued him from all his enemies and from Saul. He sang:
1 I love you, Lord; you
are my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock, my
fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power
that saves me, and my place of safety.
3 I called on the Lord,
who is worthy of praise, and he saved me from my enemies.
4 The ropes of death
entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me.
5 The grave wrapped its
ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path.
6 But in my distress I
cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his
sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.
7 Then the earth quaked
and trembled. The foundations of the mountains shook; they
quaked because of his anger.
8 Smoke poured from his
nostrils;fierce flames leaped from
his mouth.Glowing coals blazed forth
from him.
9 He opened the heavens
and came down; dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.
10 Mounted on a mighty
angelic being, he flew, soaring on the wings of the wind.
11 He shrouded himself in
darkness, veiling his approach with dark rain clouds.
12 Thick clouds shielded
the brightness around himand rained down hail and burning coals.
13 The Lord thundered from
heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded
amid the hail and burning coals.
14 He shot his arrows and
scattered his enemies; his lightning flashed, and they were
greatly confused.
15 Then at your command, O
Lord,at the blast of your breath, the bottom of the sea
could be seen, and the foundations of the earth were laid
bare.
16 He reached down from
heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my
powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong
for me.
18 They attacked me at a moment
when I was in distress, but the Lord supported me.
19 He led me to a place of
safety;he rescued me because he delights in me.
20 The Lord rewarded me
for doing right; he restored me because of my innocence.
21 For I have kept the
ways of the Lord; I have not turned from my God to follow
evil.
22 I have followed all his
regulations; I have never abandoned his decrees.
23 I am blameless before
God; I have kept myself from sin.
24 The Lord rewarded me
for doing right. He has seen my innocence.
25 To the faithful you
show yourself faithful; to those with integrity you show integrity.
26 To the pure you show
yourself pure, but to the wicked you show yourself hostile.
27 You rescue the humble, but
you humiliate the proud.
28 You light a lamp for
me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.
29 In your strength I can
crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall.
30 God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for
protection.
31 For who is God except
the Lord? Who but our God is a solid rock?
32 God arms me with
strength, and he makes my way perfect.
33 He makes me as
surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights.
34 He trains my hands for
battle; he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.
35 You have given me your
shield of victory.Your right hand
supports me;
your help has made me great.
36 You have made a wide
path for my feet to keep them from slipping.
37 I chased my enemies and
caught them; I did not stop until they were conquered.
38 I struck them down so
they could not get up; they fell beneath my feet.
39 You have armed me with
strength for the battle; you have subdued my enemies under my feet.
40 You placed my foot on
their necks. I have destroyed all who hated me.
41 They called for help,
but no one came to their rescue.They
even cried to the Lord, but he refused to answer.
42 I ground them as fine
as dust in the wind.I swept them into
the gutter like dirt.
43 You gave me victory
over my accusers.You appointed me ruler
over nations; people I don’t even know now serve me.
44 As soon as they hear of
me, they submit; foreign nations cringe before me.
45 They all lose their
courage and come trembling from their strongholds.
46 The Lord lives! Praise
to my Rock! May the God of my salvation be exalted!
47 He is the God who pays
back those who harm me; he subdues the nations under me
48 and rescues me from my
enemies. You hold me safe beyond
the reach of my enemies; you save me from violent opponents.
49 For this, O Lord, I
will praise you among the nations; I will sing praises to your name.
50 You give great
victories to your king; you show unfailing love to your anointed, to
David and all his descendants forever.
I am forever convinced that no matter what I do, what I go through, no matter how ugly it gets, and no matter how awesome it gets, there is absolutely, NO END TO HIS GOOD!
