The Monster I Thought I Couldn't Forgive...

This is probably the most raw, ugly, transparent post I've ever written and I'm only posting it because I'm being obedient to what the Holy Spirit wants me to do.

Quick Note: Tres Dias is an amazing ministry that I'm involved in that helps you grow in your intimacy and realize your identity in the Lord.  I am passionate about this ministry and encourage all believers to go through it, it will only enhance your walk with the Lord.

Quick Update on my brain: I'm HEALED!  No more headaches and I fully intend to post an update on my head very soon!  :)  God is so good and most definitely has healed my body!
Thank you to all who have prayed, brought meals, and visited with me.  I have more love for you than you'll ever know.  I'm convinced that no has people as amazing as I do. :)

Now, prepare yourself...

The Unforgivable Ted Bundy**

Ugh, just typing his name makes me want to vomit.

He is nothing short of nightmare from my past that I have pushed as far from my mind as I am humanly capable of doing.

Currently, he is preparing to go through Tres Dias.  MY Tres Dias.  Mine.  A place that I never, ever imagine he would even know about.

I, am currently throwing a temper tantrum with my Father over this.  I hate this person.  Hate isn’t even a strong enough word for what I feel about him.  This is a person who has brought so much fear and torment into not just my life but into my marriage and every relationship since him.

Imagine having your worst nightmare show up in the safest place you’ve ever been, not just showing up but being welcomed with open arms and loved on by people that love you.

All I want to do is scream ‘NO! He’s a monster!  He’s a predator of the worst kind!  KILL HIM!’ but I can’t.

Hence, the temper tantrum.

An argument with God where I’m screaming, NO! Please don’t make me forgive him!   He deserves to rot in hell.

I have never been in this place with God before.  I have never begged God to let me hate someone so much in my whole life and it’s overwhelming.  This is by far the ugliest I have ever been in His presence and by far the most broken and wounded.

Surely He won’t ask me to forgive someone who has brought so much destruction to my life.

This ‘man’ beat me and probably raped me (I was unconscious) and left me for dead just for breaking up with him because he was abusive.

He attacked me at my most vulnerable and was beyond cruel to me.  Why do I have to forgive him????  Why?!

I have never wanted to hold on to hate so badly in my whole life.  I know for a fact that he is still victimizing women in the same way – I know one, personally, she’s a friend of mine.  Why??????

He doesn’t deserve God, he exploits God, He doesn’t deserve to know God’s heart for Him.

I didn’t either though.  Right now, I don’t want to think about that, I don’t want to think about the awful hurtful things I did before God rescued me, I don’t want to think about how much I didn’t deserve God’s heart for me and how much those that beat my Jesus and crucified my Jesus didn’t deserve it, but He gives it freely anyway.

As I sit here and scream at God (I’m sure my neighbors think I’m being murdered), in between sobs, I can hear that gentle voice say I love you.  Trust Me.

Unfortunately, forgiveness is not a feeling.  It’s an obedience thing.  I don’t have really too much of a choice here.  I want the fullness of God and complete freedom, and I won’t be able to have that without forgiving Ted Bundy.

What do I want more?  To hate Ted Bundy and live in bondage or do I want to trust the God who rescued me, healed me completely through brain surgery, and who has NEVER failed me and experience true freedom?

I asked for this.  I really did.  I asked to trust without borders.  I asked over and over again for God to take me deeper than my feet would never wander on their own.  I told God that I wanted to never be in a place where I didn’t trust Him. 

See, when we sing the ever popular song, ‘Oceans’, we are actually declaring something over ourselves.  We are speaking that into our lives.

Here I am. 

I am here for such a time as this and it’s miserable.

I promised that in the absolute worst pain and destruction and chaos that I would continually turn my face to Him and praise Him, even in sacrifice.

How many times must God prove Himself to me, that I can whole-heartedly trust Him with everything in my world and in the darkest parts of my heart?  How many times???  Until I do.

I’m getting ready to speak at a women’s conference about faith and spending time with God.  How am I ever going to be able to do that if it’s not something that I’m willing to practice with the darkest part of my heart?  How am I ever going to look someone in the eyes and tell them that they can recklessly trust God with the most tender and terrifying of wounds if I’m not willing to let Him heal mine?

I can’t.  I just can’t. 

So I must let Him in.  I must let Him into the most broken pieces of my heart, the ugliest parts of my wounds and let Him heal me in that incredible way that only He can.

I don’t want to.  But I have to if I want the freedom that God has for me.  I’ve done enough sozo’s with myself and with others to know that my Father is gentle, the enemy would have us believe that it’s going to be too excruciating to endure and that we won’t be healed, but I can hear my own words coming out.  That’s not the God that I serve.  I serve an all-powerful God who is a compassionate Father, who would never hurt His children in order to heal them. Hurt does not come from God, it comes from the enemy.

I know His healing is safe and so worth it.  I just have to give Him permission to do it.

So I will.

The enemy will not win.  He will not keep me in bondage.

I will let my Father heal me, and I will stay in His presence as long as it takes, because I want all of Him, I want His absolute best and I will not settle for anything less.

I will not give the enemy permission to keep me in bondage. I give my Daddy permission to rescue me once again and to fight this battle for me.

I’ll just be still in His presence and let Him do what He does best.  I’ll let Him be God.

Yes, I was placed here for such a time as this.

I pray you’re encouraged and blessed and pushed even further to trust the Father with those deepest hurts and that you seek only HIS face and you reject the lies of the enemy.

Thank you for allowing me to be so transparent and so raw.

Be blessed.

Pamela

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com.

**His name has been changed for the protection of his victims.

This was my devotional after my temper tantrum...