The Time Has Come!

John 14:27 (NLT)

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

John 16:33 (NLT)

^“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

There’s something powerful about the unquestionable peace that comes with knowing you are exactly where God wants you to be.

Well folks, we have a plan and a surgery date.

I will be having surgery on April 7^th at 7:30am at a hospital in Addison.

They will at the very least, place a titanium plate in my head (or use surgical cement if possible) to protect the area of my fracture.  My brain actually bulge’s from this fractured area and if they can safely separate my brain from my skull and repair that, they will do that, and then put the plate in.

This in no way guarantees that I will stop having migraines according to my surgeon, but I have always believed that God was going to heal me through this surgery.

I stand firm on that promise now.

This will most definitely take some pressure off of my brain which will in effect, hopefully stop trigging migraines. 

I believe that it will.

Some questions I’ve been asked over the last couple of days:

·        Will you have to shave your head?  Part of it, yes, the left side- mostly.  I am having a small head shaving party with some of my close friends- might as well have some fun with it!  There will be plenty of pictures (because my ‘friends’ won’t be able to resist, I’m sure!) and be looking for me to do something funky with my hair. J

·        How long will you be in the hospital?  That really depends on exactly what they’re able to do while they’re in there.  If they’re able to safely repair my brain (insert snicker here) I’ll be in the hospital for about 4 days, a couple in ICU.  If they’re not and they’re only able to put a plate in, I should be in ICU the first night and then a regular room and then home the next day!  Amazing!  I’m not accounting for any mishaps because there won’t be any.

·        How long will you be ‘down’? That’s going to be a little tricky.  It will most definitely depend on how detailed the surgery is and what they’re able to do.  Most definitely not full activity for 6 weeks once I come home; 2-3 weeks before I can return to work, light duty.  It will really depend on how I feel and well I’m doing.  I’m going to recover really well so I look forward to being back at work soon.

·        Will you need round the clock care?  When I get home, I will have someone with me the first week pretty much all the time (for someone as independent as I am, this will be fun, I’m sure!) just to help me out.  After that, for the next 2 weeks (or whenever I go back to work) I can have some time by myself.  Because I will be so tired from the surgery, I will need help with meals and general house cleaning, and it would be nice to have some company to just visit.

·        How can I help?  I am so humbled by this question to be honest.  I’ve never had a major surgery like this where I wasn’t able to take care of myself within a day or two so this part is a little overwhelming.  Fortunately, I have amazing friends that have just taken care of this for me. There are two websites that have been set up for me.  One for meals, the other for visitors (those who also want to help me keep my house clean, do laundry, dishes, etc. when I can’t do those things myself).

You can go online and sign up for whatever area you want to help me with.  It’s all appreciated.

Here’s the meal calendar:

http://www.takethemameal.com/meals.php?t=KRAQ9651

 Other needs calendar:

https://www.carecalendar.org/v2/calendar.php

Calendar ID: 177894C

Security Code: 1577

Click on ‘Show Calendar’ and choose what need you would like to fill.

 

As with any recovery, I’m sure that I will have great days and some not-so-good days, that’s only natural, so I’m asking that you please shoot me a text before you come over with meals or for anything else.  It would be easier on me and my caretakers if we didn’t have any ‘surprise’ visitors without some notification first.

I have an amazing friend, Alicia Hill (no relation) that is helping me with all of this.  She is actually going to act as my primary contact for my recovery.  If you have general questions about what I need or just want to know how I’m doing that day, she’s the person to contact.

Please email her at: AMHDANZ4JC@aol.com

One last question:

·        How are you doing?  I’m okay, at best some days.  I’m in a great deal of pain all of the time and because I can’t take anything before surgery, I’m struggling.  My neurologist is calling in something for pain for in the meantime but I won’t be able to take it during the day.  In this aspect, I’m grateful the surgery is just a few days away.  Sometimes the pain is just overwhelming so please pray that I will have relief as I wait.  Otherwise, I’m more than ready to do this and get better!

I am so pleasantly overwhelmed with the amount of people that want to help me through this.  Your help is welcomed and so appreciated.  Your prayers for a painless and quick recovery are most coveted.

I am so grateful for the tremendous peace that I’m experiencing.  I may be feeling a little overwhelmed with all the things that I think need to be done before I have surgery, but really, I have no anxiety.  I’m a planner at heart so my head is reeling with trying to get everything done so quickly.  I am also realistic in knowing that what gets done will be done and what doesn’t, well, it won’t stop the world from turning.

 

I look forward to watching the Father really show off during this time and I will do my best to keep you all updated on how I’m doing as I recover.

I know that God is going to really reveal Himself in new and powerful ways throughout this process, He’s already made it abundantly clear that He has this, He’s gone before me and prepared the way.

  

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela

Pamela can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

Please visit our website at www.ACreativeWord.com

Want to catch up on what’s going on with my head?  Here are the links to previous blog posts!  Thank you for reading!

I Like Big Brains & I Cannot Lie, Part I
I Like Big Brains & I Cannot Lie Part II
Here's the Latest on my Crack-ed Head
I'm Buckin' Up
 

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela

I'm Bucklin' Up and Gettin' Ready, and It's Already Bumpy...

 

As I get ready for these huge, possibly life-changing tests on Wednesday, my anxiety is at an all-time high.  My trust is where it should be, but my physical body just won’t get on board.

 

I'm leaning so heavily on one of my favorite chapters in the whole Bible today.  Psalm 18.

 

It’s my favorite depiction of how God rescues us.  I've posted it from the New Living Translation because it's just so vivid.

 

Sometimes we like to keep God in this snuggly Father figure box (which He most definitely is) where He just scoops us up and loves on us and kisses our boo boos; but sometimes it's important to have Him really reveal Himself to us as the powerful Almighty God of the Universe.

 

I love the way that David describes Him in this chapter because He is my rescuer and today, this is how I need to see Him.

 

The Almighty God of the Universe. 

I Am.

My Redeemer.

My Healer.

My King.

My God.

 

I need Him come down on His angelic beast and fight for me. 

 

All because He has heard my cry and He delights in me.

 

Not because of who I am, but just because of who He is and because of how much He loves me.

 

Yeah, I need Him to be that God today.

 

Psalm 18

For the choir director: A psalm of David, the servant of the Lord. He sang this song to the Lord on the day the Lord rescued him from all his enemies and from Saul. He sang:

1 I love you, Lord; you are my strength.

2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.

He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety.

3 I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and he saved me from my enemies.

4 The ropes of death entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me.

5 The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path.

6 But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help.

He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears.

7 Then the earth quaked and trembled.  The foundations of the mountains shook; they quaked because of his anger.

8 Smoke poured from his nostrils; fierce flames leaped from his mouth.    Glowing coals blazed forth from him.

9 He opened the heavens and came down; dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.

10 Mounted on a mighty angelic being, he flew, soaring on the wings of the wind.

11 He shrouded himself in darkness, veiling his approach with dark rain clouds.

12 Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him and rained down hail and burning coals.

13 The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded

    amid the hail and burning coals.

14 He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies;  his lightning flashed, and they were greatly confused.

15 Then at your command, O Lord, at the blast of your breath, the bottom of the sea could be seen, and the foundations of the earth were laid bare.  

16 He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me.

18 They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress, but the Lord  supported me.

19 He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.

20 The Lord rewarded me for doing right; he restored me because of my innocence.

21 For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I have not turned from my God to follow evil.

22 I have followed all his regulations; I have never abandoned his decrees.

23 I am blameless before God; I have kept myself from sin.

24 The Lord rewarded me for doing right. He has seen my innocence.

25 To the faithful you show yourself faithful; to those with integrity you show integrity.

26 To the pure you show yourself pure, but to the wicked you show yourself hostile.

27 You rescue the humble, but you humiliate the proud.

28 You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.

29 In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall.

30 God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true.  He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.

31 For who is God except the Lord?  Who but our God is a solid rock?

32 God arms me with strength, and he makes my way perfect.

33 He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain heights.

34 He trains my hands for battle; he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.

35 You have given me your shield of victory.  Your right hand supports me;

    your help has made me great.

36 You have made a wide path for my feet to keep them from slipping. 

37 I chased my enemies and caught them; I did not stop until they were conquered.

38 I struck them down so they could not get up; they fell beneath my feet.

39 You have armed me with strength for the battle; you have subdued my enemies under my feet.

40 You placed my foot on their necks.  I have destroyed all who hated me.

41 They called for help, but no one came to their rescue.  They even cried to the Lord, but he refused to answer.

42 I ground them as fine as dust in the wind.  I swept them into the gutter like dirt.

43 You gave me victory over my accusers.  You appointed me ruler over nations; people I don’t even know now serve me.

44 As soon as they hear of me, they submit; foreign nations cringe before me.

45 They all lose their courage and come trembling from their strongholds. 

46 The Lord lives! Praise to my Rock!  May the God of my salvation be exalted!

47 He is the God who pays back those who harm me; he subdues the nations under me

48 and rescues me from my enemies.  You hold me safe beyond the reach of my enemies; you save me from violent opponents.

49 For this, O Lord, I will praise you among the nations; I will sing praises to your name.

50 You give great victories to your king; you show unfailing love to your anointed, to David and all his descendants forever.

 



 

 

 

 

I am forever convinced that no matter what I do, what I go through, no matter how ugly it gets, and no matter how awesome it gets, there is absolutely, NO END TO HIS GOOD!

 

Blessin’s Y’all!

Pamela 

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

www.ACreativeWord.com

 

Here's the Latest on My Crack-ed Head...

See what I did there?  Hahaha, *snort*, you’re welcome.

If you're looking for part one click here
If you're looking for part II click here
 

So here is the long awaited update.

Let me start off by saying that I am so humbled by the amount of people that genuinely just care about me and have gone out of their way to ask how I’m doing.  You’ll never know how much I appreciate that.  Please know that your prayers are not going unnoticed, know that they’re highly valued, they’re felt, and still so needed.

I want to get the medical junk out of the way so we can talk about how I’m really doing.

Medically, I’m about the same.  My appointment with my surgeon did not go as I had planned.  I had higher expectations for that appointment than maybe I should have.  I fully expected to walk out of there with a surgery date, a recovery plan, and an expected date back to work.  What I walked out of there with was a plan for more painful test, absolutely no answers, confusion, disappointment, and a little bit of a broken heart to be honest.

I know that sounds crazy to be a little broken hearted over not hearing that I’ll have to have brain surgery, but that’s what happened.

Turns out, I need to have another MRI (there are no words for how overjoyed my highly claustrophobic heart truly is at this knowledge) with highly dense contrast (read: pukey) of the brain and a mylogram.

Let me explain what they’re going to do with this mylogram {click here to see what it is} they’re basically going to inject dye into my brain stem and into my brain so they can see all the teeny, tiny, little crevices…They will then take pictures – super thin cuts of my brain.  My surgeon is looking a CSF (cerebrospinal fluid aka brain fluid) leak and/or an additional fracture in my skull. 

Please, please, PLEASE be in agreement that they will be able to identify the cause of my pain from these tests!!!

Okay, now on to the stuff I really want to talk about.  People are constantly asking how I’m doing- how I’m handling all of this.

Honestly, I’m handling this about as you’d expect.  I have good days and miserable days.  The day of my disappointing appointment with the surgeon when I left with more questions than answers, I fell off the planet for the day.

I’ll be transparent enough to admit that I do not handle disappointment well at all.  I really don’t.  I walked in with a list of questions for the doctor regarding surgery and walked out even wondering if I would have surgery at all.  It was awful.  I can see now, and honestly, I could see then, that he’s being extra thorough- which, come on, you want in a surgeon, but I really thought this was a cut and dry deal.  Probably because the surgeon I saw 15 years ago lead me to believe it was so.

I will say this- the MRI I had 15 years ago had contrast and showed a leak, the one I had a couple of weeks ago did not and did not show a CSF leak; contrast is sometimes really important.  I hate contrast but felt it was important for this MRI- first of all, it makes me really nauseated and I’m a really hard stick for even the most practiced nurses; secondly, I didn’t want to have to do this again.  My neurologist didn’t feel it was necessary.  He also didn’t feel it was necessary to give me valium for this first MRI.  Lesson learned.  I freaked out and turns out, I need contrast for you to see my brain really well. Hopefully we won’t go down this road again.

So back to the huge disappointment.  I crawled into a hole, I’ll call this my ‘what the hell happened to my plan’ hole.  I was not happy and I told God I was not happy.  He’s a big boy, He can handle my disappointment, I was scared, and I was angry because now I have to go through a battery of really awful tests.  So I got alone with God and cried out.  I yelled.  I threw my disappointment at Him.  I threw my ugly at Him.  In return, He gave me a question.

Do you trust Me through your pain?

That’s really the bottom line for me.  Do I really trust that His plan is better for me than the one I have for myself?

Do I trust that He has my absolute best interest at heart?  Do I trust that He does not get glory from my suffering?  Do I trust Him completely in the midst of my worst pain and during the least of my understanding?

Yes.  Absolutely.

This is the God who rescued me {Psalm 18 - Good Stuff!!}, who continues to amaze me, and who in the pit of my pain and despair hears my cry, and meets me exactly where I’m at.

I realize that this is actually not about me.  I want to be healed, I don’t want to live this way.  If I truly honest, it’s driving out of my mind some days; the pain, the medication, the fatigue and weakness, the anxiety of all these procedures and new doctors, and just the uncertainty of what the futures holds is overwhelming most of the time.

It’s so funny, I have more people comment on how incredibly strong I am.  I’m not.  I’m so not.  Rest assured, it is not my strength that you’re looking at.  John says it best: I must decrease so that He can increase. {John 3:30}

What you might see is someone who is smiling, who is crackin’ snarky jokes, and laughing, what you don’t see, is all the time that I spend on my face crying out in my Daddy’s presence begging for this to be over.  You don’t all the mornings that I stand in the shower and just pray for the strength and the energy to finish getting ready and to have the ability to go to work and effectively do my job that day.  You don’t see all the evenings I go home and eat cereal and lay on the couch because that’s all the energy I have left for the day.  You don’t see all the tears I cry because I don’t have a husband to help share this burden. I have an amazing support system, but it can’t take the place of a spouse.  You don’t see all the times that I debate on whether or not I go to the hospital for an injection because I just can’t handle the pain anymore or not. All of this, and I still trust that my Father is a man of His word and I will be healed.

I share all of this with you not because I want sympathy, that’s the last I want or need from anyone.  I want you to experience my faith.  

I do my best to be transparent before you all because I know that there is someone out there who maybe is on the fence on whether or not it’s safe to trust God with their circumstances and I want to always encourage people that it is safe.

He is always safe.  He hasn’t disappointed me yet.  It may not always be comfortable, but He didn’t promise me comfort, He promised to never leave me, and He hasn’t.  He has taken me deeper than I’ve ever imagined, I’ve experienced new depths of His love and comfort than I even imagined existed.  I trust Him with my whole heart, with everything that I can see and more importantly, with everything I can't.  I trust Him whether I feel like it or not.

Faith is like exercising, the more you do it, the easier it gets.  Well, I assume it’s like exercising, I don’t do it very often, but I’ve heard it gets easier with practice.

God is good, and I absolutely trust Him.  He goes before me.   He has made the crooked places straight and it is all in His timing.

If you remember me in prayer, please be in agreement that the answer will be clear on these images.

Thank you and be blessed!

Pamela

I can be reached at Pamela@ACreativeWord.com

Check out our website: www.ACreativeWord.com

 

 

 

I Like Big Brains and I Cannot Lie (Part II)

If you missed part one, click here.

I’ve been so amazed at how many people have reached out to me wanting to help me in some way and just how many people are praying for me.  There are no words to describe how incredibly blessed I am feeling right now.  Please know that even if my responses are short, you’re not going unnoticed and definitely not genuinely appreciated.

A lot of people have asked a ton of questions, I’ll do my best to try and answer them here.

When is your surgery?

I don’t have a date yet; I meet with my surgeon on Wednesday the 26^th in the morning.

So, how do you know you’re having surgery if you haven’t met with your surgeon yet?

Because I’m psychic, or psycho? No, it’s because I have a gap in my skull that can only be repaired with surgery and it must be repaired.  When I went to have it checked out before, I was informed that having a plate put in my head is the best and really the only option.  Nothing physically has changed (my skull didn’t magically close up because I can still feel the gap) except that my symptoms are much worse than they’ve ever been.

How do you feel about all of this?

I went into writing this blog with the understanding that I would be painfully transparent, so here goes.

Sometimes I deal with this realization really well and sometimes, not so much.  Sometimes I am so positive and strong I make myself want to puke, other times, I want to drink myself into oblivion and pretend it’s not happening to me.  How’s that for transparency?

My neurologist explained something very important to me about chronic pain, it automatically comes with depression, especially when you’ve dealt with it as long as I have.  Most of the time, I just want to sleep, partly because my body is so worn out and partly because I can’t dwell on it if I’m unconscious.

Most of the time, I’m completely overwhelmed.  Sometimes I feel like I’ve been on this part of my journey to healing for a year, other times, it just feels like 5 minutes.  Getting in to see my surgeon so quickly is a positive thing and an incredibly terrifying notion that I might have a surgery date as soon as Wednesday morning. 

I walk the thin line between relief and horror on a pretty constant basis.  I feel like I’m on the edge of just freaking out at just about any given moment.

However, those are just feelings- powerful ones, but still, just feelings.  They’re not a good representation of how I’m actually dealing with things.

In those times where I’m overwhelmed, like right now, this very minute, I get alone with God.  I have found myself at yet another place where I must be in His presence just to breathe, just to function, just to feel any peace at all.  It’s in His presence that we’re made whole. 

I get alone with Him, I pour my heart out to Him, I voice my fears, my worries, my joys, my hurts, my frustrations, my everything to Him…and then, I listen.  I wait for Him to speak to my overwhelmed and weak heart.  I wait for Him to meet me there and embrace me and just make it all okay.  And He does.  Never once have I not received what I really needed from Him.

I couldn’t do this without being in His presence and having an intimate relationship with Him.

No matter how I might feel, I completely, 100%, totally, recklessly trust God to take care of me.

You don’t seem like you’re in pain…

I was paid a tremendous compliment the other day (I think he meant it that way), “You don’t seem like you’re in pain, ever.”

I’ve worked very hard to not burden anyone with my physical pain, because honestly, it won’t do anyone any good.  I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about my injury much, for whatever reason, and it certainly was not an excuse to be lazy.  Now, if there were days where I was in debilitating pain, my parents were understanding and compassionate, but other than that, it just wasn’t discussed.  The theory in our house, was even if you don’t feel good, you still have to get up and work because no one else is going to do it for you.   That’s just how I’m wired.  I try not to complain a lot, and I always manage to just get up and do what needs to be done regardless of how I feel.

If you want to know the truth of the matter, most days, it takes more effort than you can imagine to just get out of bed and pretend to be a functioning adult. 

I’ll be glad to put those days behind me.  I’m ready to actually have the energy I pretend to have, I’m ready to not be exhausted all the time and dealing with a throbbing head 24/7.  I would love to know what that feels like because I honestly don’t have any idea.

My doctor put it to me like this: What takes a normal, healthy person 100% effort to do takes me at least 125% to just get accomplished.  That’s not even doing it well.
I’m excited to see how much better I am at my life when I don’t feel like this all the time.

How can I help you?

This is probably the most popular question I’ve gotten so far and I don’t have a great answer for it because honestly, I don’t know.

Pray.  Pray that I will have wisdom and discernment to make the right choices for all the responsibilities I have in my life; pray that I will not be overwhelmed all the time; pray against a spirit of anxiety- I war against it on a constant basis; pray that when I feel weak, I will not let the enemy come in a whisper lies to me, and when I fail and he does, I believe the exact opposite (he’s a liar, so the opposite is the truth).  Pray that the obstacles in my family will be worked out and that more and more stress will be taken off of me.

I will tell you how you can help me once I actually have surgery though- my moms (Debbie and Sadie Ann) will need rides to the hospital, wherever that might be, possibly every other day or so.  I might very well be in Dallas or Plano, or who knows, but that would take a HUGE load off my mind while I’m in the hospital.  It probably wouldn’t hurt to have a few meals brought for them while they’re with me in the hospital because we all know that hospital food blows.

I have a really good friend, Alicia that will be coordinating meals and probably visitation for when I’m home.

That’s plenty for now, thanks for hanging out with me and hearing my heart.  I still have lots more to share and will do my best to keep everyone updated as I know things.

Thank you for loving me, from the very bottom of my heart.  I have the best people; seriously, no one has better people than I do.

Be blessed, y’all!

Pamela

He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.

Psalm 18:16 (NIV)