I Like Big Brains and I Cannot Lie (Part II)

If you missed part one, click here.

I’ve been so amazed at how many people have reached out to me wanting to help me in some way and just how many people are praying for me.  There are no words to describe how incredibly blessed I am feeling right now.  Please know that even if my responses are short, you’re not going unnoticed and definitely not genuinely appreciated.

A lot of people have asked a ton of questions, I’ll do my best to try and answer them here.

When is your surgery?

I don’t have a date yet; I meet with my surgeon on Wednesday the 26^th in the morning.

So, how do you know you’re having surgery if you haven’t met with your surgeon yet?

Because I’m psychic, or psycho? No, it’s because I have a gap in my skull that can only be repaired with surgery and it must be repaired.  When I went to have it checked out before, I was informed that having a plate put in my head is the best and really the only option.  Nothing physically has changed (my skull didn’t magically close up because I can still feel the gap) except that my symptoms are much worse than they’ve ever been.

How do you feel about all of this?

I went into writing this blog with the understanding that I would be painfully transparent, so here goes.

Sometimes I deal with this realization really well and sometimes, not so much.  Sometimes I am so positive and strong I make myself want to puke, other times, I want to drink myself into oblivion and pretend it’s not happening to me.  How’s that for transparency?

My neurologist explained something very important to me about chronic pain, it automatically comes with depression, especially when you’ve dealt with it as long as I have.  Most of the time, I just want to sleep, partly because my body is so worn out and partly because I can’t dwell on it if I’m unconscious.

Most of the time, I’m completely overwhelmed.  Sometimes I feel like I’ve been on this part of my journey to healing for a year, other times, it just feels like 5 minutes.  Getting in to see my surgeon so quickly is a positive thing and an incredibly terrifying notion that I might have a surgery date as soon as Wednesday morning. 

I walk the thin line between relief and horror on a pretty constant basis.  I feel like I’m on the edge of just freaking out at just about any given moment.

However, those are just feelings- powerful ones, but still, just feelings.  They’re not a good representation of how I’m actually dealing with things.

In those times where I’m overwhelmed, like right now, this very minute, I get alone with God.  I have found myself at yet another place where I must be in His presence just to breathe, just to function, just to feel any peace at all.  It’s in His presence that we’re made whole. 

I get alone with Him, I pour my heart out to Him, I voice my fears, my worries, my joys, my hurts, my frustrations, my everything to Him…and then, I listen.  I wait for Him to speak to my overwhelmed and weak heart.  I wait for Him to meet me there and embrace me and just make it all okay.  And He does.  Never once have I not received what I really needed from Him.

I couldn’t do this without being in His presence and having an intimate relationship with Him.

No matter how I might feel, I completely, 100%, totally, recklessly trust God to take care of me.

You don’t seem like you’re in pain…

I was paid a tremendous compliment the other day (I think he meant it that way), “You don’t seem like you’re in pain, ever.”

I’ve worked very hard to not burden anyone with my physical pain, because honestly, it won’t do anyone any good.  I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about my injury much, for whatever reason, and it certainly was not an excuse to be lazy.  Now, if there were days where I was in debilitating pain, my parents were understanding and compassionate, but other than that, it just wasn’t discussed.  The theory in our house, was even if you don’t feel good, you still have to get up and work because no one else is going to do it for you.   That’s just how I’m wired.  I try not to complain a lot, and I always manage to just get up and do what needs to be done regardless of how I feel.

If you want to know the truth of the matter, most days, it takes more effort than you can imagine to just get out of bed and pretend to be a functioning adult. 

I’ll be glad to put those days behind me.  I’m ready to actually have the energy I pretend to have, I’m ready to not be exhausted all the time and dealing with a throbbing head 24/7.  I would love to know what that feels like because I honestly don’t have any idea.

My doctor put it to me like this: What takes a normal, healthy person 100% effort to do takes me at least 125% to just get accomplished.  That’s not even doing it well.
I’m excited to see how much better I am at my life when I don’t feel like this all the time.

How can I help you?

This is probably the most popular question I’ve gotten so far and I don’t have a great answer for it because honestly, I don’t know.

Pray.  Pray that I will have wisdom and discernment to make the right choices for all the responsibilities I have in my life; pray that I will not be overwhelmed all the time; pray against a spirit of anxiety- I war against it on a constant basis; pray that when I feel weak, I will not let the enemy come in a whisper lies to me, and when I fail and he does, I believe the exact opposite (he’s a liar, so the opposite is the truth).  Pray that the obstacles in my family will be worked out and that more and more stress will be taken off of me.

I will tell you how you can help me once I actually have surgery though- my moms (Debbie and Sadie Ann) will need rides to the hospital, wherever that might be, possibly every other day or so.  I might very well be in Dallas or Plano, or who knows, but that would take a HUGE load off my mind while I’m in the hospital.  It probably wouldn’t hurt to have a few meals brought for them while they’re with me in the hospital because we all know that hospital food blows.

I have a really good friend, Alicia that will be coordinating meals and probably visitation for when I’m home.

That’s plenty for now, thanks for hanging out with me and hearing my heart.  I still have lots more to share and will do my best to keep everyone updated as I know things.

Thank you for loving me, from the very bottom of my heart.  I have the best people; seriously, no one has better people than I do.

Be blessed, y’all!

Pamela

He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.

Psalm 18:16 (NIV)

I Like Big Brains and I Cannot Lie... (Part I)

Some of you may have noticed that lately I’ve been posting on Facebook more and more about dealing with migraines and even going to neurologist.

I think now is a good time for some information to come out.

When I was a baby, there was an accident involving a babysitter, a ceiling fan blade, and my head. Needless to say, I got a skull fracture and had brain surgery to repair it when I was 10 months old.

The surgeon believed that over time, the plates in my skull would come together and fuse over the wound and I’d have no further issues.

Until I hit about 17, I didn’t. At 17, I began having debilitating migraines and went to a neurosurgeon to have it checked out.

An MRI revealed that when the plates grew together, the thin membrane around my brain (the Dura) got caught between the plates and caused a gap in my skull which created a Cerebral Spinal Fluid (CSF) leak.

That all means this: I have a hole in my head and I leak spinal fluid (which we all produce daily) on a continual basis which causes low pressure headaches. These are very painful and I experience them every single day. These are different from migraines.

I went to a Neurologist yesterday and found out that it is quite possible I also have actual migraines from a separate (unknown) cause.

At 17, the magic cure was this: the surgeon could put a Formica (think counter tops) plate in my head to protect my brain, repair the fracture, and stop the leak, thus putting a stop to my ‘migraines’.

However, by this time, I had turned 18 and was able to make this decision for myself.

In all my infinite wisdom at 18, I opted not to have brain surgery (& shave my head) and just kind of put it out of my mind. Meanwhile, I’ve suffered with migraines for the last 15 years.

Over the last 6 months, the symptoms have become more frequent-going from once every couple of months to at least once a week, and I can’t remember the last time I had a day without pain. It was more than 15 years ago for sure.

I always have a headache. There is never a time that I am not in pain to some degree. Some days the degree of pain is more manageable than others. Most days, I can totally handle it, others, it’s completely debilitating. Unfortunately those days are becoming more and more frequent. The pain is now completely out of control. Up until now, I haven’t been on any migraine medication or steady pain medication to control the pain. If I’m being brutally really upfront and honest, I’ve probably self-medicated with alcohol and tons of Motrin™ for years.

I have made the decision to finally fix this problem.

I have decided to have brain surgery to repair the fracture and stop this madness.

I would also like to add that this is not just about the pain, I’m at an incredible risk for infection (meningitis), and it’s extremely dangerous to have my brain exposed like it is; currently there is a gap in my skull where my brain is only protected by a thin layer of membrane (Dura), a thin layer of tissue, skin, and hair.
It is truly an act of God that I have never had an infection or been hit in the head. If I were to be hit in the head in that spot, it would more than likely be fatal because of the location of the gap.

I went to my first neurologist appointment yesterday to start this process. I am now on migraine meds to take on a regular basis, and meds to use in case of emergency (out of control type of migraines). I had new MRI scans done today to take to my surgeon because my previous scans are 15 years old.

I am writing this blog not to gain sympathy, or to even get public opinion, but my hope is to encourage those that might be dealing with chronic pain that they are not alone.

If through this journey I can point others to the Father for a deeper relationship with Him and to gain their strength from Him and not themselves, then I want to do that. My goal has always been and will continue to be to inspire others to recklessly trust God with every facet of their lives.

I have a tremendous amount of support and encouragement helping me along this journey. I want to document my feelings, emotions, fears, joys, hopes, and just flat out miracles so that I can really express how much God is showing off throughout this process.

I can see more clearly than ever that His hand has been on my life literally from day one. An accident that should’ve killed me, at the very least disabled me, has had little impact on my life until now.

So many times, the enemy has literally tried to take my life and God’s hand has been right there, protecting me, guiding me, and bringing me to this place where I’m being stretched further than ever before and my faith is growing daily. I’m being taught to be compassionate and exercise more grace towards myself and towards others more than I ever have before.

This is a terrifying and exciting journey. I cannot wait to see how God uses this to add to my already amazing testimony. He will get all the glory for this!

Be looking for more posts because I will go into detail of just how God brought me to this point in my journey- this is just the tip of the iceberg…

He is so good. In every way, in every circumstance, He is constantly making my ashes beautiful.

Be blessed, y’all!

Pamela Hill

 

Isaiah 61:3 (NLT)

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.

In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

Isaiah 49:16 (NIV)

See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls

are ever before me.