Ashes From A Charred Soul...

 

I am Brave.  I am Holy.  I am Royal.  I am Beautiful.

I am a daughter of the Most High God.

My circumstances do not change how my Father sees me, who I am, nor the plans He has for my life.

Isaiah 61:3 (NLT)

³ To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

 

I’m a pretty blunt and straight forward person, and mostly, that’s a positive thing in my life. You generally know where you stand with me because of this trait; however, some things need to be delivered with a hair more tact. A little more gently one might suggest. This is where I struggle.

However, now is the time to be straight forward so please, brace yourself.

What I’m going to talk about is not a gentle thing. It’s not a tactful thing. And, it’s not something that can be said in a soft, sweet, precious way. Sure, you can use ‘professional’ terminology and make it sting a little less and it can cover a multitude of sins, but when you get right down to it, it is what it is.

George Carlin made a statement once (paraphrased)-Psychologists came up with the term, “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” when treating soldiers coming home from war. His suggestion was, (and I couldn’t agree with him more) that if we’d called it what it really was, “Shell Shock”, maybe our boys would’ve gotten the treatment they really needed.

I didn’t always agree with his point of view on various topics, but his views on words and how we use them, I did and still do. Sometimes, you just have to call things for what they are.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

Something else I’m going to do is be vague with the details. They’re not necessary. They’re between me and My Father. He was there and He knows exactly what happened.

So, here goes…

Several months ago, I was date raped.

I was raped by a person I was dating.

It took me a long time to be able to say that out loud. That word, rape. I used the phrase, ‘sexually assaulted’ for a long time. Then, I realized that in order to truly heal, I needed to call it what it was.

Rape.

Such an ugly word.

Such a painful word.

Such a world-changing word.

Rape.

Most people can’t even process what that word actually entails- it’s just too horrible to wrap your head around. Sexual Assault takes some of the sting out and like I said, covers a multitude of sins. Rape is pretty definitive and specific.

For some, I know this is shocking. I won’t lie, it still takes my breath away. Out of the handful of people that know, some have told me that they would’ve never known. Those who know me intimately saw the change right away.

New Year’s Eve of last year, I spent the evening with the Father, discussing the New Year and what that would bring. He made several promises to me last year (2011) for 2012. When this happened to me, I believed a lie. I believed that because something out of my control happened to me, that it forever changed God’s plan for me; that it changed the good things He has for me.

It didn’t. If anything, I am more grateful than ever for the promises that my Father has given me. There are times where I cling to what He’s promised me literally for the air to breathe.
I will forever stand up and proclaim that I KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that He has never left me. Never for one moment was I ever alone.

I know some of you are struggling with, “then why did He let this happen to you in the first place? Was this in His plan for you?”. I don’t have a great answer for that other than that since the dawn of time, free-will has existed and since Eve and Adam first sinned, there has been evil in the world. Unfortunately, it happens to good people.

I do know that no matter what has or will happen to me, His love for me is bigger. He will take every bad thing and turn it to my good. Why? Because that’s just how much HE loves Me.

My name is etched in the very palm of His hand and my name is continually on His lips. (Isaiah 49:16 & John 10:28) His thoughts toward me are as countless as the grains of sand. (Psalm 139:17-18)

I had moments, and continue to have moments where I am overwhelmed by the very thought of being raped. Sometimes, I still can’t wrap my brain around it. It’s still surreal sometimes. Others, it’s very, very real.

It’s taken a great deal of counseling, support, prayer, and healing to be where I am. I know where my help cometh, and it comes from the Lord. Every day, I am reminded of the brutal violation that took place in my life, so with the Holy Spirit’s guidance and persuasion, I had a tattoo of a promise placed on my arm. Every time I look at it, I’m reminded that no matter what happens in my life, my Father promises to bring beauty from my ashes. Especially when that’s all I have to offer Him. Just ashes from a charred soul. He heals it and makes it beautiful. Exquisitely beautiful.

I have learned far too much through this experience to share in this one post but now that it’s out in the open, I will speak more freely about it in posts to come.

I will share this though: Every woman who shares her story of survival with me, heals something inside me. I pray that it is the same for her.

I am so grateful for a Savior who loves the way mine does, who heals wounds that go so deep, they are beyond words, and casts out fear and leave peace and wholeness.

Please know that if you are a survivor, you are NOT alone. You’re welcome to share your story with me privately if you so desire. Like I mentioned, there’s healing in communication. 

For every victim out there, please know, there is healing...  There is a Father out there who desperately longs to heal your wounds and restore your heart. 

He longs to make beauty from your charred ashes.

Be blessed in Jesus’ name!

Today, I Am Thankful...

 

"I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving,

And will call upon the name of the Lord."

Psalm 116:17 (NKJV)

 

Today, as I sit going over my bills, I’m discouraged.  I work so hard and it just isn’t enough some days and for anyone that’s been there and done that, it can be really disheartening.

However, I realized that I have a choice here.  I can either be discouraged or I can be truly thankful for what I do have.  The word says to count our blessings so that’s exactly what today’s post is about.

I love this time of year and I hate the fact that the retail world has tried to completely bank on the Christmas holiday and overlook Thanksgiving altogether.  In my opinion, Thanksgiving should the most celebrated holiday of the year- yes, I love celebrating my savior’s birth, but think about it- I’m thankful for it.  I’m grateful for it. 

So, as therapy and a good reminder for myself, here’s my list…

·         I’m thankful that I have 2 jobs when there are some that have none.

·         I’m thankful that I can work more hours when I need to.

·         I’m thankful that while I might not be able to eat out as much as I want to, I still have plenty of food in my cabinets, even if it’s not what I really want to eat.  There are others that do not.

·         I’m thankful I have a bank account.

·         I’m thankful for direct deposit and bill collectors that are willing to work with you on due dates.

·         I’m thankful that I have clean clothes to wear and that some of them are too tight- means that I’ve had plenty to eat.

·         I’m thankful that I have my own little fan club of doxies that meets me at the door every time I walk in like they haven’t seen me in too long; even if I have just taken the trash out.

·         I’m thankful that Chest is anxious to be fed- it shows that he trusts me enough to know that I will take care of him.

·         I’m thankful that Daisy craves cuddle time with me on the couch and that she gets as close to me as she can. 

·         I’m thankful that their love for me is unconditional, even when I don’t have enough time to just be with them.

·         I’m thankful that I’m able to go to school, while one of my classes is a drag sometimes, I get to have dinner with a very special lady every week before that class and we can endure it together.

·         I’m thankful for student loans (ugh) without which, I wouldn’t be able to go to school.

·         I’m thankful for my grown up job- the benefits are amazing and I work with a good, albeit eclectic group of people.

·         I’m thankful for a boss that doesn’t breathe down my neck or belittle me on a daily basis; I know folks who work in hell every day and I’ve done it myself.  Not fun.

·         I’m thankful that I have heat and electricity and water in my house and that I can afford to keep them all turned on all the time.

·         I’m thankful that I don’t have any serious health issues.

·         I’m thankful that I have my family.

·         I’m thankful that I have two moms and while they can’t be together and it makes my life difficult sometimes, I’m grateful that I have two women that love me and want my time and attention.  So many don’t have their mothers anymore.

·         I’m thankful for the memories and good stories I have of my dad.

·         I’m thankful for friends that keep me on track and keep me encouraged.  I’m thankful that they’re more than understanding about school and work and my psychotic schedule and that they don’t forget about me when I don’t have time for them.

·         I’m thankful for spiritual influences that continually point me to the Father, even when I just want a simple answer to my questions.

·         I’m thankful shoes.  They make my heart happy.

·         I’m thankful for my Father.  I’m extremely grateful that I know who I am and just how important to my Father I am. 

·         I’m grateful that my name is written on the palm of His hand.

·         I’m grateful for salvation, grace, and mercy that never ends.

·         I’m grateful for freedom from religion and legalism.

·         I’m thankful for freedom of speech and the ability to express myself.

·         I’m grateful that there is no condemnation in them who serve the Lord.

·         I’m grateful to live in a free country where I still have the right to vote.

·         I’m thankful to have the knowledge that even if the leadership of my country is not doing what I think they should, my God is still bigger than anything that may come against me.

·         I’m thankful for the ability to ‘do’ my life.  It takes a great deal of stamina and patience to do what I do on a weekly basis.

·         I’m also thankful that by the end of the year, it won’t be so hectic.

·         I’m thankful for coffee.

·         I’m thankful for friends that keep me laughing every time I talk to them.

·         I’m thankful for random texts from people that I love.

·         I’m thankful for birthdays and the fact that I’m still 29. J

·         I’m thankful for wine and yes, a nice ice cold beer.

·         I’m totally thankful for pie and cookies.  And chocolate.  And fat.  So thankful for fatty foods.  Like Pizza.

·         Really thankful for pizza.

·         I’m thankful that I have so many people in my life that need and want my attention.  I know there are many who are lonely.

·         I’m thankful for music!

·         I’m thankful for movies that move your soul.

·         I’m thankful for puppies.

·         I’m thankful that my list is so long and continues to grow.

·         I’m thankful that I know that no matter how bad things look today- there’s always tomorrow.

·         I’m thankful for the healing of old wounds.

·         I’m thankful for a sense of humor that allows me to laugh at past mistakes.

·         I’m thankful for being able to trust.

·         I’m thankful that I was able to get the one thing I wanted on Black Friday and I didn’t even have to bite anyone to get it.

·         I’m thankful that at the end of the day I’m exhausted, because I know I’ve done something productive that day to warrant that exhaustion.

·         I’m thankful that on Thanksgiving I was so full I was miserable; it means that I had too much to eat.  Many did not.

·         I’m thankful for stretchy pants.

 

"This is the day the Lord has made;

We will rejoice and be glad in it."

Psalm 118:24 (NKJV)

 

Trust You? Seriously??

Proverbs 3:5 (NLT)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.

So explain something to me, Father.  Why would I trust you with something so delicate and close to my heart as this burden that I carry regarding financial struggle, when clearly You’ve always, always taken care of me?  Why would I trust you when You’ve never, not one time failed me?  Why would I listen to your still small voice telling me to trust You when I have my own wisdom and understanding to lean on?

Oh, that’s right… cause I don’t know jack. 

You, however, are full of infinite wisdom and understanding and you have knowledge of things I’ve yet to dream of.

See, I’m struggling today with trust.  And when I don’t trust my Father to take care of me when He promises that He’ll never forsake me, I rob myself.

I have to go to court to take care of something that is very personal to me.  No need to get into details here, but it’s a painful ordeal for me.  It’s unjust and unfair, and the odds are not in my favor as the world may see it.  That’s the attitude that I had this morning as I was gathering supporting evidence (which isn’t much) for my side of the case.  It was nothing less than discouraging and forced me to pour over angry and bitter emails duking it out between the two of us over who was right and who was not.  At lunchtime, I’d had enough and I went to my Father and poured my angry soul out to Him.  Then I had to shut up and listen.  This is what the Holy Spirit said to me…

Every time you don’t trust Me, your Father, you take away an opportunity for me to pleasantly surprise you.  By you not trusting Me, you show Me an attitude of ungratefulness for the times that you have trusted Me.  You believe that I am a liar when I say that I will take care of you.  When you don’t trust Me, you rob yourself of the precious gifts that I have only for you.  When you don’t trust Me, you show me that you believe that you know better than I do, that your judgment is more sound than My own.  You know more than I, the Creator, and Master of the Universe about the things that affect your past, present, and future.  I tell you My precious one, to NOT lean on your own understanding, that your thoughts are not my thoughts, and that My love and provisions for you are limitless.  See, while you only know what is happening right in front of your face right this very moment, I know the things that you do not. Nothing is hidden from Me.  What you fail to see is I have already gone before you and prepared a way for you.

One thing I know for sure is that He is right and I am not.  I don’t need to understand.  I don’t need to know what’s going to happen when this is all over with.  All I need to know is that I can trust my Father. 

Satan is the author of confusion, distress, and chaos.  He’s certainly been working on this for a while and creating havoc anywhere this is concerned.

I know that my Father has gone before me, I know that no matter what my outcome may be, He’s already taken care of it.  He’s already made provision where it is needed; He’s already given me favor where it is needed; and He’s already ministered in ways that I know nothing of.

I trust Him.  His infinite knowledge and wisdom and not to mention power, is far greater than my own. 

My prayer is simply this:  That He would change my heart to be a reflection of His.  Even when I have to face my enemies (and He says that I will), that He would give me the ability to love them the way that He does, even when they don’t deserve it.  I certainly didn’t.  We ALL fall short, but His love is wide enough, deep enough, and eager enough to cover it all.  We are His beloved, even when we don’t act like it.

I know that for some of you may feel like what the Holy Spirit said was a little harsh, but I believe it to be nothing more than the truth- and I felt so loved and cared for while He spoke to me.  Why?  Because He’s the best parent, and that’s what great parents do for their children.  They guide them, and sometimes, they point out the ugly in our attitudes, but they love us in spite of ourselves. 

Let me encourage you, if you’re struggling with trust- and I do on a constant basis, ask the Father to reveal His truth to you.

If you can’t trust Him to handle your life, then why follow Him at all?

A Little Condemnation (Ahem, I Mean, Awareness) Never Hurt Anybody, Right??

We’ve all seen and heard of a great deal of posts on facebook regarding Christians and the movie Magic Mike, and reading fictional erotica like the Fifty Shades of Grey series.  This is a very controversial topic of conversation, especially in the Christian world.

**Let me clarify here that I will not say one way or another that seeing movies like this or reading books of this nature is right or wrong.** 

I will say that I do have mixed emotions and views on this topic.  I’ve read a few articles and seen these posts and one word comes to mind every time I’m broached with this topic… condemnation.  Even from the several that started out their posts with “I’m not condemning anyone, however…”  To me, that’s a big, red flag that tells me there could be condemnation afoot.

I’ll be transparent enough to say that I’ve seen Magic Mike and I’ve read fictional erotica (gasp!). 

I have a strong belief that one person’s convictions may not be another’s and that it is not my place to tell you what you should or shouldn’t feel convicted of.  The Holy Spirit is the authority on that and He’s much more knowledgeable of your heart than I.  I’m also of the profound belief that not everything you do is my business.  Sometimes we just take on more responsibility for others’ actions than is necessary.

I will admit this, I did not feel convicted about seeing Magic Mike or reading any fictional erotica.  This is not my conviction where it might be someone else’s. However, I’m also not encouraging that others run out and buy the series and go see the movie.  I’m just being transparent here because I know there are other believers out there that can relate to me.

I know that many Christians have posted that we are letting pornography (sin) and lust (sin) into our lives by allowing such books and movies to be viewed, however, let’s take into considerations 3 questions: 

When we offer our Godly advice and warnings to other believers, are we pushing our own convictions onto them and therefore causing them to feel condemned?  

Are we offering yet another opportunity for the world see judgment and legalism rather than love and grace? 

Can we not pray for our brothers and sisters to hear from the Holy Spirit for themselves?

I can guarantee that the Holy Spirit is much more capable of speaking to their hearts and minds than we can.  See, when we allow the Holy Spirit to do His job, He will speak to us in a loving and accepting way, which will only deepen intimacy with the Father.  He jumps at the opportunity to encourage that!

I remember when Harry Potter hit the scene and there was a huge controversy in our church (as well as many others) as to whether or not it was promoting witchcraft (also sin) to our children.  The Word says that not one sin is greater than another.  I just don’t see how this is any different. 

I know in my own walk there have been times that I’ve pushed my convictions on others with such gusto that it produced condemnation when my intentions were really good.  I just wanted to keep others from falling into the same pitfalls and suffering the same consequences that I had.  It was for their own good to learn from my mistakes where they could, right?  The truth is our priority should always be to point others to the Father first.  We should always advise others to seek the Holy Spirit and His wisdom above our own.  If they still want our opinion after doing that, then by all means, after seeking the Holy Spirit first ourselves, give your opinion.  Too often, I’ve found myself speaking first and then asking the Holy Spirit for His ‘permission’.  I guess I tend to be backwards in that way.  I bet no one else has ever done that…

We must always go back to God’s Word.  I believe that seeking the Holy Spirit sincerely and diligently goes hand in hand with God’s Word.  Let me encourage Christians to do this before we post, comment, or advise others on these particular comments.  Then again, shouldn’t we be doing this on all advisement?

Christians who are intimate with the Father should automatically seek the Holy Spirit sincerely before participating in such activities like the books they read or the movies they see.

This is my plea: Believers, please seek wisdom and discernment before posting your advisement to other believers to be sure that you are really not condemning them, but aiding them in seeking the Holy Spirit for themselves. 

Giving Godly counsel, not our own opinions, is imperative so let’s be sure that we are encouraging each other to seek the Father’s heart for us.  That is what will make all the difference in our behaviors and actions.

Here's my scriptures...

Romans 5:16-17 (NLT)
And the result of God’s gracious gift is very different from the result of that one man’s sin. For Adam’s sin led to condemnation, but God’s free gift leads to our being made right with God, even though we are guilty of many sins.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+5:16&version=NLT

Romans 8:1 (NLT)
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8:1&version=NLT

Proverbs 18:21 (NLT)

²¹ The tongue can bring death or life;
those who love to talk will reap the consequences.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+18:21&version=NLT

Matthew 5:28 (NLT)

²⁸ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20cor%206:18;1%20thess%204:3-5;matt%205:28&version=NLT;NKJV

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 (NLT)

³ God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. ⁴ Then each of you will control his own body^[a] and live in holiness and honor— ⁵ not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20cor%206:18;1%20thess%204:3-5;matt%205:28&version=NLT;NKJV

1 Corinthians 6:18 (NLT)

¹⁸ Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20cor%206:18;1%20thess%204:3-5;matt%205:28&version=NLT;NKJV