2015, Bring It!

“For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

2014 has been a whirlwind year for me.  It’s been a year of big faith and great opportunities for God to show off.  For those who know me, saying I don’t like change is putting it mildly.  Even good change is a struggle for me.  In my experience, change usually meant turning my life upside down and while it’s inevitable and even healthy for change to take place, it’s taxing for me.

This last year has been big, probably one of the biggest in my life- with huge lifestyle changes that will affect me for the rest of my life.

The thought of shaving my head was terrifying.  Fortunately, I've got amazing people that celebrated with me and made it fun.

Ouch- not the most fun I've ever had!

What Brain Surgery?
4 Weeks Post-Op

I had brain surgery!!!!  I was completely healed from the constant migraines and pain I’d experience almost all of my life.  While the beginning of the year was pure hell, it challenged me both physically and spiritually, I can say that it increased my faith, stretched me and forced me to grow in ways I could’ve never imagined.  I went places mentally and spiritually that I couldn’t even fathom and I watched first-hand God reach into my life and pull me from the darkness.  I experience healing in my body that doctors never thought was possible and I watched my family come together in a way that I honestly believed would never happen.

I also experienced great loss.  All of my adult life, I’ve wanted children of my own.  Many know of the infertility struggles that John and I faced when we were married and know the pain that entails.  I’ve had endometriosis since I was 14 years old and have suffered with many surgeries to maintain it long enough to attempt pregnancy.  In September during a routine surgery to get ‘cleaned out’ my doctor of 10 years realized we had reached the end and informed me that I would need a complete and total abdominal hysterectomy.  Years of surgeries (both related to the disease and not) had riddled my body with scar tissue and the disease itself had destroyed a lot of healthy tissue.

We did a lot of lounging around this year...

So, on Veteran’s Day I had my complete hysterectomy.  For someone at the ripe old age of 33, that was a struggle.  Knowing that I would never bear children broke my heart and hurt my soul.

Much to my surprise though, there was a sense of relief that came when it was all over with.  I have no control anymore, no more pressure to hurry up and get married so I can produce a human, none of that anymore.  I’ve always been open to adoption and now, that is my option.  It’s a really good one and I trust that when the time is right, God will just take care of it.  Like He always does.

I am so blessed that I have two beautiful step-daughters that I claim as my own and that God is restoring those relationships as well.

It was said at church at the beginning of 2014 that this would be a year of double rest.  It certainly has been for me, I’ve had two major operations that required lengthy recovery times and I’ve been forced into seasons of rest twice.  I’ve had it prophesied over me that this next year will be a year of ministry and fulfillment of great promise.  To say the least, I’m READY for some good stuff! 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been full of really great stuff too.  I’ve learned who my friends are, and I always had people that helped me laugh when I so desperately needed.

I realized how much value there is in having people that will stop and intercede, not just pray, but really storm the gates of heaven on my behalf when I can’t pray for myself.

I’ve learned through the many meals brought to me over the year how many of my friends are master chefs and how many should bring good take-out.

I’ve seen so much grace and mercy and unending patience as my friends and coworkers deal with my issues of memory and word loss.  It’s humbling to lose your words and short term memories and instead of humiliating me, they encouraged me and praised my progress.

God has brought remarkable people into my life, I’ve watched God work through doctors and I’ve had surgeons pray over me.

I’ve had the chance to minister and watch God work through me and my scars to bring freedom to so many people that I wouldn’t have had the courage to minister to before.

Daisy and Chester loved having Mommy home so much!

It’s been a long, difficult year, but one of so much growth, some of it extremely painful, but definitely necessary.  I can honestly say that no matter where I’m struggling, no matter how much my heart is hurting and my head doesn’t understand, my Father is always eager to meet me right where I’m at.  I’ve been on my face before God pouring my heart out and I’ve stomped around my house shouting angrily at Him more than I have ever done in my life.  I’ve also experienced powerful moments of grace at times that I know I wouldn’t have survived without it.

He’s a great big God and He can handle my heart at its most raw and uncensored.  No matter what I throw at Him, He can take it and more importantly, He still delights in me.

The fact of the matter is that I know God’s heart for me and that revelation has carried me through the most difficult of time in my life.  I have been as raw and transparent before the Lord as I can be and I’ve felt His presence in my life in ways that blow my mind.  I’ve gone deeper into intimacy with Him than I ever thought possible.  I am more in love with the God of the universe than ever before.

Even still, change is difficult for me.

I do know this - with all of the challenges this past year, it has increased my capacity for God and it has stirred a fire inside of me that I never want to be satisfied- I never want to reach a place of complacency with God.

I want everything that God has for me and I won’t settle for less than His best for me.

Several years ago when I made the decision to walk with God again, I asked God to reveal Himself to me.  I had grown up listening to who others thought God was and who I thought He should be and that His thoughts towards me were only good if I behaved a certain way.  When I came back to the Lord, I wanted to know the truth.  I wanted to know God’s heart for me- whatever that might’ve looked like.  I desperately wanted a real relationship with God, not religion and that’s exactly what I got.

At that time, I chose not to read His word, I wanted it straight from the Holy Spirit, I wanted to hear God for Himself, and man, am I ever glad I did!  Over the years, the things that God has showed me and the way He has transformed my heart would blow your mind.

Let me encourage you, as you go into this New Year, declare blessing over yourself, over your family, and increase your capacity for God.  Ask Him to take you deeper into His presence than you ‘ve ever been.  Ask God for a new experience with Him.  Ask to know Him in a new way.

He wants to show you His heart for you and I know for sure, that it is good.

Don’t make resolutions for God this year, just love Him and let Him love you- to the fullest.

I can guarantee it will change your life, and maybe, just maybe, your heart too.

“For I am about to do something new.
    See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?”

Isaiah 43:19

Be blessed, y’all!

~Pamela

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I can be reached at: Pamela@ACreativeWord.com